WWYD? Stereotyped gifts for my young daughter

[Thegeesearegettingfat2020]

Posting here because I don't want a load of replies about girls having different brains, being biologically programmed to love pink, etc...!

A female very close to me, I will call her Jane, has DD8 while I have DD4. We always exchange birthday and Christmas presents for our children (and always will - this is non-negotiable).

Jane has a very successful career and is a feminist in the sense that she does not believe a woman's place is in the home etc and supports equal rights for women in theory, but she is very adherent to sex stereotypes when it comes to children. I am, as she knows (or really ought to by now!), a campaigning feminist and support eg the work of Let Toys be Toys. I hate it when adults foist stereotypes on children.

I am also realistic that sadly growing up in this world children absorb the expectations around them and like to fit in. Accordingly, whereas I will never push my daughter to like stereotypically "girly" things, I am conscious that in all likelihood she will grow to like princesses and pink and dolls and sparkles once she starts school. I will always be guided by her likes and dislikes - if she truly wants a sparkly princess doll for her birthday I will get her one. However I will not encourage her being fed the message that she should want one because she is a girl.

Currently DD4 is still in that space where she has no idea what she is "supposed" to like. Her particular interests are books, animals, Lego, imaginative role play and puzzles.

For every occasion without fail, Jane sends a generous present that is a collection of the pinkest, most stereotypically "girly" things she can find. There will nearly always be a doll dressed in pink that doesn't do anything more than the doll dressed in pink she sent last time. DD4 will play briefly with the new toys for novelty value then revert to her preferred toys.

I worry about the message that the gifts received are sending DD4. I don't want to give the details in case it is outing but the last gift received was so hideously sexist (and a giant pink plastic monstrosity) that DH and I both agreed it should not be given to DD4 at all. We managed to bring it back and exchange it for a pile of books which she loved. However this is rarely possible and I worry that as DD4 gets older she is more likely to be in direct contact with Jane who will ask her whether she liked specific presents (Jane lives on a different continent and visits rarely).

Do you think there is any way to approach this without offending Jane, who is a lovely person? Subtle hints about DD4's preferred toys don't seem to work (eg "She really loves books" = best case scenario, the next present will be another doll plus a book called "How to Be a Princess (extra sparkles edition)"). I suppose as a matter of politeness I do say to Jane that DD4 loved her gifts so perhaps she thinks this is a sign she is on the right track... but anything else would feel rude!

Jane never asks what DD4 might like before buying and seems to think that doing so is bad etiquette. In contrast, I always ask what her DD8's interests are. She has always responded that DD8 is into pink, sparkles, dolls, princesses or other "girly" stuff. DD8 was always guided that way from birth - clothes saying "Little Princess" etc. I always buy in accordance with what I'm told she likes. However I think Jane takes from this that I am on board with the idea that this is the sort of stuff all female children like or should like. It adds the complication that if I told Jane straight out and in clear terms what my thoughts are on society's princessification of little girls, she would likely interpret it as a criticism of her own parenting.

I know it seems so ungrateful but I would genuinely rather Jane sent my daughter a second-hand classic book costing £1 than a giant pink plastic role play beauty salon... is there a way to navigate this sensitively? Help!

3 months before the next event, contact Jane and say how much you appreciate her sending gifts, she isn't obliged etc etc. However your DD has changed her tastes recently and no longer really likes dolls, pink, sparkles etc, so if Jane wants her presents to continue to be a hit she may like to move to .

Or ask for something specific - like Lego dinosaur or play mobile farm? It’s hard when people are trying to do something so nice...

I actually think you’re overthinking this and creating an issue where there isn’t one. I’m also a feminist and agree with you 100% about stereotypes but 1 gift among many that is traditionally feminine will do no harm. Surely children should be presented with a range of toys, with both ‘boy’ toys and ‘girl’ toys included within that range. Is the pink monstrosity bad in and of itself? Surely not. If it sits alongside a range of toys there’s surely no overpowering message? Unless you think Jane’s influence from another continent is so overwhelming that it out balances yours I really don’t see an issue.

My daughter and nieces went through a pink and sparkle phase and loved dressing up as Disney princesses. My son and nephews also loved dressing up as Disney princesses about the same age. All of them grew out of it within a year or so. I didn’t see any issue with having pink princess stuff alongside other toys. If we want to just let toys be toys then are not pink princess toys also just toys?

Your friend is buying a gift she thinks your DD will like.
Either intercept and suggest something else, but accept the gift with grace if it's pink and sparkly. Your DD might like it anyway.
Maybe your friends DD could do with something a bit less stereotyped next time?

@TeenPlusTwenties This is really clever, thank you! My concern is exactly how to word this so it excludes literally everything stereotyped as I feel like if I say "She no longer likes dolls or princesses" she'll get pink unicorns, etc...!

Also I think it might be a bit hard to shoe horn it into conversation without looking rude... especially as she seems to be of the view that presents are very much something to be decided by the person gifting and not the recipient...

Also I worry that she would be offended if I say that my DD has gone off things that Jane bought her as gifts relatively recently... Hmm... !

@ThatIsNotMyUsername The trouble is she seems to think that it's rude to ask for specific things. I really struggle to get anything out of her re DD8, she will tell me her interests/likes when pushed but never a specific gift, and she never asks me what DD4 might like. So I think if I mentioned a specific thing she would think it was rude. And if I said eg "Lego" she would buy the pinkest Lego Friends set she could find...

I think she thinks presents should be thoughtful, and that it is not thoughtful to buy something a person directly asked for or even hinted about. Whereas I think it is thoughtful to buy what someone wants or at least to buy in accordance with likes/dislikes. She doesn't even think about DD4's likes/dislikes but just substitutes sex stereotypes and buys in accordance with those...

@TeenPlusTwenties

3 months before the next event, contact Jane and say how much you appreciate her sending gifts, she isn't obliged etc etc. However your DD has changed her tastes recently and no longer really likes dolls, pink, sparkles etc, so if Jane wants her presents to continue to be a hit she may like to move to .

I think this is good, tactful advice.

Nothing wrong with pink and sparkly, but I wouldn't want my daughter to play with a "beauty salon".

However, both boys and girls can play with pink and sparkly things. They are not gendered in themselves, we have made them gendered.

I had, and still have, this problem with my DD who is 5, and now beginning to see it with my DS who is 2. DS wouldn't understand atm so for now I just follow his taste- sometimes he likes cars, sometimes dolls, right now he has a huge love for Sylvanian families. As long as there is a range of choice at home I don't tend to make a fuss if someone buys him something stereotypically "boy toy".
With DD when she got to around 4 we had a chat about toys and what she enjoys playing with, and I explained to her that she could play with whatever she liked, as could DS, because all toys are for both boys and girls. This was off the back of her coming home saying she couldn't wear trousers anymore because they were just for boys! She chooses a mixture of both now so the odd present such as you've mentioned doesn't have much effect.

@DorotheaHomeAlone

I was genuinely happy for the first doll to arrive. I would want a boy to have a doll too. I just strongly doubt that Jane, or anyone else, would send a boy a new doll every few months (and not even a doll that does anything differently to the previous dolls - just a doll for the sake of it if you get me!). Or any of the awful pink plastic which if it continues at this rate will take over her playroom...!

@Aesopfable Exactly - as I've written in my OP I'm quite conscious she is likely to have this sort of phase and I will personally buy the princess sparkly dolls if she does want them. But there is a difference between her developing this phase and being constantly fed the message that this is what she should be playing with, regardless of her actual interests. It bothers me.

@Beamur I was thinking this... It feels a bit petty/passive aggressive but I may just get her DD the sort of present I would like my own DD to receive and take a diversion from the well-beaten pink sparkly path...!

I really want to know what was so bad it couldn't even be gazed upon by your DD!

I completely agree with you fwiw but i thought research has found its important to exposed to a range of different toys regularly, and that's what helps children develop non gendered interests, and that one off pink sparkly things once a year won't make much difference.

My SIL sends all kinds of pink and fluffy madness. I think its a shame she so clearly doesn't know us or her niece particularly well, and isn't interested in doing so, but other than that i don't give it much thought.

‘Jane lives on another continent and rarely visits.’

For this reason, wouldn’t say anything to Jane. If the gifts arrive unwrapped would exchange for something else if possible or if not just give the gifts to DD and, if she doesn’t play with them, donate to charity.

People who don't want proper instructions on what your DC would be into are indeed a giant PITA. But in this case, I think you need to go with the flow. Just ... don't sweat it. Accept the gifts, pass them on if need be.

She thinks presents are thoughtful expressions of love from her to your family. Her pleasure is in the choosing. That's valid.

You think presents should reflect the receiver's wishes and tastes - also very valid.

But you can't change her, so I wouldn't bother trying. At some point the law of natural consequences will apply if your DD really doesn't like something and therefore isn't suitably effusive about it. Until then, don't worry about it. If your DD plays with the pink monstrosity or not is up to her unless it's something truly awful. It won't undo your parenting choices and equality.

@TeenPlusTwenties suggestions are good. I would also guide with special request (she is pining for that dinasaur lego set, or whatever you think she would like).
Or mention casually her favourite colour / sport / character, etc.

I think you're over thinking it.

Part of having access to all toys includes the pink and sparkly ones. If it's presented as a 'toy' then how does she know she's supposed to like it because she's a girl and it's pink?

I get the sense you're going to be super disappointed if your daughter does start to like pink fluffy sparkly things.

My daughter is exposed to all toys and one of her favourites is a teenage mutant ninja turtle figure. She likes to put it to bed, cuddle it and feed it 🤷🏼‍♀️ just because some thing isn't 'girly' doesn't mean they will play with it how it was intended

Maybe Janes daughter IS into pink sparkles so Jane sends stuff she assumes your DD will like too?

I am, as she knows (or really ought to by now!), a campaigning feminist and support eg the work of Let Toys be Toys. I hate it when adults foist stereotypes on children.

If you want to live your principles, and feel strongly enough that your DD shouldn't have multiple dolls and pink sparkly stuff, then you should feel OK about saying so to her.

But you are socialised to be polite, especially as you recognise this is an expression of love.

There are lots of polite ways to try to alter the exchange more in favour of things you'd prefer to receive, but if you think it's likely to be ignored, it's wasted effort.

Two ways of approaching this.

1. Be direct and honest. DD doesn't like (or no longer likes) obviously "girly" things that are pink and sparkly, doesn't need any more dolls as she has plenty already, but absolutely loves (gives two or three examples of things that you think this person would enjoy choosing and buying for her. Probably not books!)

1. Don't say anything. When you receive the gifts, if you don't want to give them to DD, sell or donate them, and give DD a replacement gift instead. Do not send her DD pink/sparkly/"girly" presents - she clearly has plenty of that stuff already! Instead send her things that you think she'll enjoy, ideally something that's more likely to be acceptable to her parents (perhaps unisex rather than obviously marketed as being "for boys") but prioritise what you think she'll like - or what she would like if her mother wasn't watching.

It sounds as if more polite/subtle attempts at 1 haven't worked so I'd just go with 2 tbh.

and is a feminist in the sense that she does not believe a woman's place is in the home

It absolutely is if that is what the woman choses to do and is happy with that choice and that choice is able to be supported.

If it makes you feel any better my daughter’s grandpa bought her a set of espresso cups when she was 2. Not toy ones.

Perhaps she thinks she's providing a bit of variety and/or avoiding the risk of buying something she already has? (A common problem with e.g. lego sets!)
I hate princessy crap too, but I remember when I was little I had this purple twirly skirt and I loved it, loved twirling in it.
Nothing wrong with suggesting things she might like, and saying outright you don't want giant plastic things that take up the whole room (shudder), but I'd perhaps take an annual sparkly gift as just part of the mix.

Your 4 year old DD receiving one big pink plastic sparkly gift is not going to single handedly influence her tastes. Not if every other present she receives is something you have chosen or that you approve of.

I wouldn't bother saying anything. Presents at this age, from people who don't spend time with the child/don't know them, are by nature pretty hit and miss. We've had all sorts of presents over the years, some of which have been totally gender stereotyped, and others which have been actively challenging the strereotype. Some have been played with, others haven't.

What was the item you didn't give to her?

OP said she didn't want to specify but later mentioned a big pink plastic role play beauty salon.

I wouldn't give that to my DD (or DS) either.

Last year someone bought my 5yo DD a make up set (real makeup!) - due to family politics it couldn't be returned, so it got "accidentally" tidied into the bin bag with all the wrapping paper.

I'm not allowed to outright tell this particular person that we'd rather no presents than that type of crap. Even if I phrase it far more diplomatically, it will still cause offence. So my plan from now on is to try and intercept presents beforehand, and/or make sure they are opened first so that it's overshadowed and forgotten about, giving me a chance to dispose of whatever other sexist junk appears.

Thank you so much to you all for your replies. You have helped me keep some perspective here. I feel much better about the whole thing just for having got it off my chest with people who get it... in real life there are very few people I could say this to without them thinking that I am being utterly ridiculous (and not because of the reasons you have given but because of course pink plastic and dolls are the ideal present for a little girl).

Re the present we intercepted and exchanged, I don't want to say exactly what it was for fear of Jane seeing a Mail Online headline along the lines of "Ungrateful feminist shrew says gift of X was inappropriate for young girl - but what do YOU think?". It wasn't a giant pink plastic beauty salon but it was something along those lines. My DH was the one who said we should exchange it for books. I was so relieved.