Posting here because I don't want a load of replies about girls having different brains, being biologically programmed to love pink, etc...!
A female very close to me, I will call her Jane, has DD8 while I have DD4. We always exchange birthday and Christmas presents for our children (and always will - this is non-negotiable).
Jane has a very successful career and is a feminist in the sense that she does not believe a woman's place is in the home etc and supports equal rights for women in theory, but she is very adherent to sex stereotypes when it comes to children. I am, as she knows (or really ought to by now!), a campaigning feminist and support eg the work of Let Toys be Toys. I hate it when adults foist stereotypes on children.
I am also realistic that sadly growing up in this world children absorb the expectations around them and like to fit in. Accordingly, whereas I will never push my daughter to like stereotypically "girly" things, I am conscious that in all likelihood she will grow to like princesses and pink and dolls and sparkles once she starts school. I will always be guided by her likes and dislikes - if she truly wants a sparkly princess doll for her birthday I will get her one. However I will not encourage her being fed the message that she should want one because she is a girl.
Currently DD4 is still in that space where she has no idea what she is "supposed" to like. Her particular interests are books, animals, Lego, imaginative role play and puzzles.
For every occasion without fail, Jane sends a generous present that is a collection of the pinkest, most stereotypically "girly" things she can find. There will nearly always be a doll dressed in pink that doesn't do anything more than the doll dressed in pink she sent last time. DD4 will play briefly with the new toys for novelty value then revert to her preferred toys.
I worry about the message that the gifts received are sending DD4. I don't want to give the details in case it is outing but the last gift received was so hideously sexist (and a giant pink plastic monstrosity) that DH and I both agreed it should not be given to DD4 at all. We managed to bring it back and exchange it for a pile of books which she loved. However this is rarely possible and I worry that as DD4 gets older she is more likely to be in direct contact with Jane who will ask her whether she liked specific presents (Jane lives on a different continent and visits rarely).
Do you think there is any way to approach this without offending Jane, who is a lovely person? Subtle hints about DD4's preferred toys don't seem to work (eg "She really loves books" = best case scenario, the next present will be another doll plus a book called "How to Be a Princess (extra sparkles edition)"). I suppose as a matter of politeness I do say to Jane that DD4 loved her gifts so perhaps she thinks this is a sign she is on the right track... but anything else would feel rude!
Jane never asks what DD4 might like before buying and seems to think that doing so is bad etiquette. In contrast, I always ask what her DD8's interests are. She has always responded that DD8 is into pink, sparkles, dolls, princesses or other "girly" stuff. DD8 was always guided that way from birth - clothes saying "Little Princess" etc. I always buy in accordance with what I'm told she likes. However I think Jane takes from this that I am on board with the idea that this is the sort of stuff all female children like or should like. It adds the complication that if I told Jane straight out and in clear terms what my thoughts are on society's princessification of little girls, she would likely interpret it as a criticism of her own parenting.
I know it seems so ungrateful but I would genuinely rather Jane sent my daughter a second-hand classic book costing £1 than a giant pink plastic role play beauty salon... is there a way to navigate this sensitively? Help!