10yo son accused of being transphobic, help me write to school

[flowery]

I am trying not to be too angry, but my 10yo came home yesterday saying I'd be pleased to know what he said about transgender at school. It was a discussion amongst his friends, not with the teacher present and not as part of a lesson, and he'd said it was not possible to change sex.

Apparently one of his friends said he was transphobic for saying so. He doesn't seem worried and doesn't want me to make a fuss, and it doesn't sound like it was said to him in a nasty way. But I'm not happy.

I've got no reason to think the school is teaching any gender woo stuff, I don't think they're particularly 'woke', but I want to check. I'm also not sure what to do about the accusation. I don't want my son to feel he can't express a view or say biological sex is real without someone else accusing him of any kind of 'phobia'.

He's not shy and is popular and quite a strong character, but that's not the point.

I have the new government guidance so I am planning to write to his teacher, probably in a 'not making a fuss don't want to get anyone into trouble' kind of way, just asking how they teach this subject and reiterating that I would like to be sure that it is clear to children that someone disagreeing with them isn't a phobia, that it is is not literally possible to change sex, and that differing opinions are perfectly fine.

I seem to remember someone somewhere linking to some kind of table done by the NHS where it says it's not possible to change biological sex. I can't find it, does anyone know what it was and perhaps have a link?

Plus any thoughts on how best to handle it would also be appreciated.

It's the op kicking off because she doesn't agree with another child's opinion
The other child was factually incorrect.

@Mischance

Put away your pen.

He made a point, someone else disagreed with him. That is life.

Do not blow this out of proportion. They are children experimenting with having their own ideas and views. He needs to hear views that are not prevalent at home. It is how he will learn what he himself thinks. He has no problem with that and does not want you to make a fuss. Does that carry any weight with you, or are you prepared to ride roughshod over his views?

Jump down off your soapbox and leave it be.

@Mischance hear hear. 100% agree

That all sounds perfectly reasonable, but you do realise there are many who would consider your views (as expressed to your son) to be transphobic?

There's a lot of people consider covid to be made up, they're wrong too.

We do not have to pander to people who are wrong.

chickenyhead

Sadly, I know the research that my daughter has done is limited to what is being channeled to her by her friends- 4/7 of the group are now trans.

Luckily, she agrees on many aspects such as can’t change biology, lesbians are not transphobic for rejecting penises etc. but we disagree on some issues (that I consider minor and she considers Major).

Either way, as long as she understands views should change if relevant information becomes available, I feel she is on good ground.

However, I don’t think it is a bad idea for OP to check what is being taught at her Child’s school. We have come across some very odd false facts being taught by teachers which then start muddying the beginning of that critical thinking process.

@Winesalot

Yes, I disagree with my daughter on pro sport, but we can debate it sensibly.

They do teach it in PHSE at my daughters school. We have had months of it.

They do teach it in PHSE at my daughters school. We have had months of it.

What are they teaching, sorry? About gender stereotypes or about gender identity?

@Winesalot

Yes gender identity, trans rights etc.

It wasn’t part of any lesson.

I know, and have acknowledged that. She's still entitled to find out how the school teaches this issue if she has general concerns about it.

chickenyhead

That is actually quite concerning depending on how they approach this.

The other child was factually incorrect.

Ops son expressed an opinion. The other other child then expressed theirs.

There is literally no need for op to get involved at all.

It's not an opinion that you can't change sex, it's factual. Just like it's not an opinion that the world came into being longer than 6000 years ago.

Whether it's appropriate for the OP to be involved or not is another issue.

@Winesalot

Tell me about it!!!

It is an all girls school, hugely made up of girls from the Muslim community.

They should be teaching feminist principles, but they do the opposite.

So we have an agreement, she comes out with something that's been said and we critically evaluate it. She is quite woke, but not yet appreciative of boundaries she is unwittingly letting go.

It is a learning process and she is moving further centre through reading from various sources.

I trust she will get there.

In a world where women can lose their jobs etc after an accusation of transphobia, we should certainly not do nothing...

12:35DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Calling another child transphobic isnt just an opinion is it in the current climate. People who have been accused of transphobia have lost work / employment.

The kid saying ops son is being transphobic is perfectly entitled to that opinion though, regardless of where you stand on the trans debate.

Just as people are entitled to their opinions about things being sexist, racist or anything else, sometimes people have differing opinions on what consitutes those things, but they are still allowed their opinion.

chickenyhead

My daughter’s all girl school treads very very carefully. They teach the girls about pushing stereotypes and about consent and about ‘inclusion at school’. Ie. Teach about respecting beliefs and making others feel accepted regardless of identity. Because there is a quickly growing group of girls (including my daughters friends) all identifying out of being young women and girls.

But they are very clear about biology and the sex education is female focused and largely about consent.

Have you asked about how they are adapting their education in light of the new Ed guidelines?

@Winesalot

They are teaching it under the assumption that it doesn't apply. They teach in a misogynistic manner, with the expectation that they will ALL get married to men etc.

I have raised the issue multiple times, they simply state that they are teaching what is required, but they have to do so in a manner that meets the expectations of the majority of parents.

So along with consent, these topics are for her to fully evaluate, with guidance. Thank god for information being freely available nowadays. Because relying upon the school in this instance is unacceptable.

She has already had to accept that her first girlfriend has now changed gender. It is a confusing time for them.

@IwishNothingButTheBestForYou2

Ten year old kids call other ten year old kids " transphobic"?

Really?

Christ.

Yep. Happened to my 12 y/o recently too. Almost exactly the same scenario

@JenniferSantoro

I wonder what message you give him at home for him to come home and say you’d be pleased with him saying a person couldn’t change sex. It sounds very much like the narrative you’re feeding him at home is transphobic, rather that neutral. A ten year old doesn’t just develop these views without input from someone.

But you can't change your biological sex. How is that transphobic?

Irregular verbs don't follow the usual conjugation rules of a language, sometimes so much so that entirely different words are used for different conjugations and one has to know the language to know those words are all the same verb.

For example To Run is a regular verb: "I run, you run, he/she/it runs" . Run and Runs are pretty much the same word with different conjugations. To Be is an irregular verb : "I am, you are, he/she/it is" - Am, Are and Is are completely different words so you have to know English to know they are the same.

So it's an old joke to use the concept of an irregular verb to highlight the human tendency to ascribe more flattering motives to oneself than to others. The format of the joke is "I" do something entirely understandable, "You" do the same thing but in a not quite so laudable way, and "he/she/it" (who is not present and can therefore be spoken about very bluntly) does that same thing but it's absolutely awful. There's also an implication that what is said about "He/She/It" is what "I" would really like to say about "You" but am too polite to say.

www.englishforums.com/English/IrregularDeclensionsHumorous/nzhkg/post.htm

So, that's the background. Now on to the joke.

Your comment "I don't use my children to spread my views, i let them form their own and discuss with them where they might go wrong." struck me as a classic example of describing the same behaviour differently depending on who is doing it. In both cases the children are being given the parent's view/guidance but it's expressed very differently for "I" vs the implied "You".

Of course I could have just said "haha, that's the same thing" but I chose to use the classic "irregular verb" joke because it's funnier and nicer to invite someone into a joke than just have a dig by, oh I don't know, implying they must be drunk or something.

Hope this helps.

(I'm not drinking yet but after typing all that I sure wish I was )

The kid saying ops son is being transphobic is perfectly entitled to that opinion though, regardless of where you stand on the trans debate.

Yes, if you read my post you'll see that I didn't say he wasn't entitled to any opinion. You called a fact an opinion. Which was the point I was responding to. You might not think these things matter, but I do.

@Blibbyblobby

Thank you.

My English education was appalling. So I wasn't being obtuse, I genuinely didn't get the joke, because I am thick

I get your point now. Still wrong, but I get it.

Yes, if you read my post you'll see that I didn't say he wasn't entitled to any opinion. You called a fact an opinion. Which was the point I was responding to. You might not think these things matter, but I do.

I can call it an opinion if I want to. Which is what I want to do. My calling it an opinion makes no difference to you.

Ops son expressed an opinion which someone found transohobic, they said as much, now op wants to wade in.

Op is doing no favours to their child. Language, opinions, and the world is changing.

Op would do well to teach their child that theres a time and place for expressing opinions that could upset some, and that there may well be consequences for that in years to come. This time the consequence was being called transphobic, next time it could be suspension from school.

when we were younger we threw the word homophones around like there was no tomorrow.

I sat next to a lad at school who was a homonym

Different times, nobody said owt