Pronouns at work - where do I stand? Advice

[Slurpy]

I was all in tizz yesterday, but I've woken up furious this morning.

A couple of weeks ago, an email came round saying a sub-group was inviting us to add pronouns to our display name (not even signature) but that it was supported by management, but not mandated. A few people did it, fine.

Yesterday I sat through two meeting where we were asked to have a real think about it, that it would be great if we all chose to do it... support trans colleagues, make it easier for people unfamiliar with our names to refer to us properly.

It's being presented as a neutral thing to do, the kind thing to do, a supportive thing to do. There seems to be no recognition that there might be another viewpoint on this.

I don't want to do it. But the strong (but not mandated) position is going to mark me out as pRoBLemAtic and I'm not happy about that either.

The timing was super insensitive, with Self ID on the table and certain hashtags trending.

Has anyone fought this off?

I would ask what steps they are taking to address the issue about the impact of increased likelihood of sex discrimination as people have said above.

I genuinely believe that this bullying people into using pronouns has actually become a way to trying to work out who is GC.

If it is its being done by people who really don't care about co-workers who are struggling with their gender identity. It's as tone deaf as forcing people to talk about their sexuality.

Tell them you are a post gender individualist and as such you don’t use any pronouns. Demand they refer to you by name, e.g. Sarah got into Sarah’s car and went to the shop by Sarah’s self.

Your Majesty/His Majesty/Her Majesty are my personal favourites.

Following that I prefer to pointing out that I could never be involved in a policy that forces someone out of the trans closet.

On the Ms/Miss/Mrs issue, which really is outdated nonsense, a NB person on a podcast said they selected options like "brigadier" if available. It's bloody minded and I rather like it.

I have actually told woke people that I'm agender. Besides the fact that it's technically true because I don't identify with any gender, it's rather fun watching their (suppressed, confused) reactions.

I'm not being facetious when I say this is outing and they could be in trouble for insisting on it. Of course it's great for people who want to have the chance to declare their pronouns.

For others, it's akin to announcing your transgender status, which is something that the law sees as so private, there are separate DBS check processes to avoid anyone knowing, Girl Guide leaders are not allowed to tell other parents that people attending sleepover events have transgender status (have a biological sex different to their female gender), etc.

You would be in breach of the law if you 'outed' someone as transgender, which it seems like they're intent on doing if they insist.

I genuinely believe that this bullying people into using pronouns has actually become a way to trying to work out who is GC.

Even if it's not the intended effect - and I suspect it isn't - it is the practical effect. I imagine many see it as a happy by-product.

The primary purpose is really your HR people signalling how woke your HR apartment is to other HR people at whatever HR conferences they go to. And possibly fishing for Stonewall awards.

But the bullying effect is real.

It's like being asked the name of your husband/wife, in the days when homosexuality was beyond the pale.

Or being asked which church you go to in some extremely anti-atheist of America.

@merrymouse

I genuinely believe that this bullying people into using pronouns has actually become a way to trying to work out who is GC.

If it is its being done by people who really don't care about co-workers who are struggling with their gender identity. It's as tone deaf as forcing people to talk about their sexuality.

Let’s face it, most of this woke brigade don’t actually give a shit about those that truly feel uncomfortable in their own body and identify as trans as an attempt to alleviate that distress. They’re just jumping on anything that marks them out as being special and kind to others, sticking ‘be kind’ on their Facebook while not giving a shit about any distress caused to other people by their very public declarations of support to those who identify as trans or any other fashionable ‘cause.’

I’m not saying those who feel genuinely trans are a fashionable cause, before the twitching watchers start screaming transphobic, merely that I don’t trust the sincerity of many of the supporters of these beliefs, any more than I trust those who bleat on about other causes. The last few years and months have shown the aggressive and bullying side to many ‘supporters’ of these causes. They don’t actually care that that truly have ‘skin in the game’ are suffering as a result of their bullying and aggression. Once they get bored, they’ll move on and treat these people with contempt because they’re no longer ‘relevant’ and their fore not woke enough. I’m in my fifties, I’ve seen this behaviour acted out over the decades, though rarely with as much bullying or venom.

Tldr. I don’t agree with bullying people into accepting pronouns or any other form of labelling.

I think if you want a certain pronoun that is not the most commonly used or assumed pronoun, then put it on your signature. If not. Then I wouldn’t bother. There’s been a few threads on this here.... I personally don’t care either way, but I wouldn’t be adding to/ changing or amending my email signature as I think it’s unnecessary and divisive. What if you’re not ready to be ‘ outed’? That will cause you stress. What if you disagree and will be made out to be a monster??? The whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth tbh....

Some great answers here.

If I worked somewhere this was happening I'd be torn between resisting or takings male pronouns and getting rid of my female name. It would be interesting to see how far up the ladder you could go and how much money you could make doing it.

I feel like it’s the same as them asking you to state your religion but without the option of saying “none”.

I'd change mine every single fucking morning and ask for compensation every time they got it wrong. And I'd make up a new one every now and again. Belinda Jekins (cro/crod). Belinda Jenkins (fuh/fih). If anything was said, I'd sue. I'm an angel-bi-binary-flexi-transhuman-mono-crod, so fuck off.

@Siameasy we could do with a GC equivalent of atheist. Maybe just "n/a" as in "not applicable"

 FrenchtoEnglish

We received an email some time ago saying we can add pronouns to our signature if we wished to. I'm yet to see a signature with pronouns on!

I would make a point of outing their passive aggression as bullying.

And I would actually want to highlight that not only do I want to opt out, but that I find it offensive myself when people who are not trans or nb add pronouns to their sig. It's gaslighting. A woman for example who is clearly a she and there has never been a problem with that. So why is she pretending I need to be told her pronouns? She is already likely to be facing sexism from people who have never met her if she has an obviously female name. She was chosen for that without having to declare she's female. Why does everyone need to theatrically pretend to be confused just because a tiny minority of others are? Humans are incredibly adept at identifying sex from infancy. This is just an exercise in overwriting sex with gender by stealth, telling everyone it's just being kind and the next thing you know you aren't allowed single sex spaces.

I volunteer at a domestic violence charity and my new manager has pronouns in her sig. I am very close to writing to her explaining how the ideology she has espoused is in direct contravention to advocating against male violence against women and girls.

Also, I think a valid response which is just a watered down extension of "sex based like my oppression" is:

Personally I like my pronouns to indicate my sex not my gender. My name indicates this already and I have never had any issues so I'm comfortable without stating pronouns. Also, I'm not concerned by how people refer to me in my absence. I can show solidarity with people who do want to state their pronouns by using their preferred pronouns, I don't think stating my own adds anything.

@FrenchtoEnglish

I'd change mine every single fucking morning and ask for compensation every time they got it wrong. And I'd make up a new one every now and again. Belinda Jekins (cro/crod). Belinda Jenkins (fuh/fih). If anything was said, I'd sue. I'm an angel-bi-binary-flexi-transhuman-mono-crod, so fuck off.

That’s not so outlandish. There have been people that use both and I’m not certain if it’s set days of the week or decided in a day by day basis.

Personally I’d steer away from the Yogyakarta principles as they are nonsense and I wouldn’t give them any creedence.

That’s not so outlandish. There have been people that use both and I’m not certain if it’s set days of the week or decided in a day by day basis.

Philip Bruce is an example of that. He is Philip on some days, then identifies as Pips on other days. Just in case I’m reported by the wokes, I’m not ‘misgendering’ because I used the correct pronouns when referring to Philip, as he also recognises his maleness on some days.

There is/was a police officer with two warrant cards (just 2 genders, funny I thought there was supposed to be more)?

Me / Myself / I

Call me what you like, I don't care.

And yes, I'd enquire about impact assessment, GDPR, confidentiality issues, and liken it to being forced to publicly state my sexual preferences, religion etc.

Failing that level of bravery (how sad is that?) I'd just ignore it, change nothing, say nothing.

As others have said, this whole trend is extremely pernicious and the absence of a ‘prefer not to say’ option is deeply troubling. If you don’t have authority in your workplace I’d go for something like:
“I applaud the wish to create an inclusive environment for all, but I don’t feel ready/safe to discuss my gender identity publicly and this request makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel that continued requests to divulge personal and private information about myself is bordering on harassment and if they continue, I will be obliged to turn to HR/the union for support.”

Obviously – for those of us with a bit of clout in our workplaces or who have nothing to lose – I think it’s really important to point out the problems with the request more robustly and without implying that you actually have one!

But however we do it, I think it is important that we voice our concerns as best we can. We must make plain to our employers and work teams that demands/wheedling requests for compliance with a pronouns policy are problematic and we can only do this if we speak up and say so.

I anticipate it at my public sector place. I intend to ignore.

If I become pressured to add pronouns, I will just say I find it triggering and do not want to talk about it. They're not to know that I don't want to talk about it as it would trigger me to say exactly what I think of all this bollocks.
I'm hoping to retire in around 8 years so just need to plod along till then.