Pronouns at work - where do I stand? Advice

[Slurpy]

I was all in tizz yesterday, but I've woken up furious this morning.

A couple of weeks ago, an email came round saying a sub-group was inviting us to add pronouns to our display name (not even signature) but that it was supported by management, but not mandated. A few people did it, fine.

Yesterday I sat through two meeting where we were asked to have a real think about it, that it would be great if we all chose to do it... support trans colleagues, make it easier for people unfamiliar with our names to refer to us properly.

It's being presented as a neutral thing to do, the kind thing to do, a supportive thing to do. There seems to be no recognition that there might be another viewpoint on this.

I don't want to do it. But the strong (but not mandated) position is going to mark me out as pRoBLemAtic and I'm not happy about that either.

The timing was super insensitive, with Self ID on the table and certain hashtags trending.

Has anyone fought this off?

"It's outing to trans people who are not ready to go public with their transition."

Brilliant, thanks all. Will deflect with some form of the above, and will look into the Yogyakarta principles, if I need to invoke that line.

Appreciate all the advice. I'm a bit less furious now.

These are all brilliant answers. I’m unlikely to be asked as I’m semi-retired now but when I was asked at a conference full of strangers, I just told them I’m not bothered by how people refer to me in my absence so they can use whatever pronouns they want.

I much prefer the focus on harassment and coercion though.

I like FindtheTruth's reply.

It's bad enough having to choose between Miss/Mrs/Ms without having to add pronouns.

OP, this sub-group are just plain wrong and have not thought this through.

It's not fair to force anyone to declare a gender identity, whether that is because they know they would face discrimination because of it, or because they are unsure of their gender identity or because they don't want to be outed.

Its bonkers this coercion to get women to declare their sex. I've applied for a number of civil service jobs and they all ask you to leave any information off that might idenfity you race, religion, age and sex. They are clearly acknowledging that there could be a bias when recruiting if they didn't. So how do we get to the point that some companies are now trying to force women into declaring their sex??

MerryMouse has a really good point - can't remember the last time a female colleague was referred to as Mrs in work or out!

Years ago I used to work in customer service. Because of the area of London we were in there was a high proportion of staff that were Indian, and they would get racial abuse where customers assumed they were calling India. My male colleague asked that his email and display was changed to a generic-type "English" name, and used this name when he answered calls as he was sick of the harassment. It disappeared overnight.

My point is unconscious bias is a definite "thing" and the link by a pp of a man's experience of this is perfect.

Tell them they’re putting some trans people in a very awkward position by pressuring them to publicly disclose their gender identity when many of them won’t be able or ready to. Don’t confirm or deny whether you are one of those people. You don’t have to.

@BoobsOnTheMoon

I think I would point out the evidence that when women sign off work emails with a name that makes it clear they are female, they get less positive responses than when they use a man's name! I'll try and find the stuff about it. I'd say that I prefer to keep my gender and pronouns off my work emails in order to avoid unconscious bias on the part of recipients.

Presumably if the person sending the email has an obviously woman's name like Sarah, lack of stated pronouns on the email isn't going to have any noticeable impact in terms of unconscious bias?

can't remember the last time a female colleague was referred to as Mrs in work or out!

I thought about this because I was applying for access to something yesterday (work related) and had to choose. I assume its because they want to maintain a level of formality if they contact me, but I still felt that I was forced to make a choice and reveal something too personal - even 'Ms' isn't as neutral as 'Mr'.

The irony is that the GRA 2004 was introduced to protect the right to privacy.

I'd find it very hard to resist giving opposite sex pronouns just to watch and see how many people go along with it.

And say absolutely nothing else about it, and change nothing else about yourself. Just the pronoun answer.

And reverse the answer weekly.

Dare them to be transphobic and question your identity in any way. Make /them/ squirm.

If push comes to shove and you are being coerced, you could just shrug and go with male pronouns and a gender-neutral or masculine version of your given name. Explain that female pronouns and name can result in harassment from misogynistic clients so you have the companies best interests at heart as well as your own safety.

Be ready to count the number of times you are subsequently misgendered and dead-named in emails and meetings. If all bullied female employees resorted to this tactic, demands for pronouns in bios would quickly disappear.

Let the woke be hoist with their own petard. Let them beware of what they want for fear of getting it.

Do you have a data protection officer? Because this kind of information could be personal and special data. And if it's being sent all over the place (eg new people get copied in, then it gets forwarded), there's no control over who is processing your data. You're also then having to process other people's data.

Presumably if the person sending the email has an obviously woman's name like Sarah, lack of stated pronouns on the email isn't going to have any noticeable impact in terms of unconscious bias?

It underlines sex/gender when it should be irrelevant.

Not just "Here is an email from Sarah", but "Here is an email from Sarah the woman who identifies as she/her!!!".

I've always been tempted to declare my pronouns as "she/him", just to fry people's minds.

From your post it reads like you are being asked to do something entirely for the benefit of other people. To show support and make things easier for other people. (They are of course assuming you support trans people and may be insinuating that not announcing your pronouns is the equivalent of saying you don't support trans people. Which is rather a leap.)

For those who are bothered what pronouns are used for them it's reasonable for them to publicly announce chosen pronouns.
What isn't reasonable is expecting everyone else to do likewise. You are entitled to make an informed choice that you are ok with the possibility of someone accidentally referring to you by an incorrect pronoun. The other person might feel awkward about their mistake but that's not your problem. We have survived a long time as a society arranging a meeting with or telephoning someone and not being sure in advance whether it's a male or female.
Since the whole thing seems to centre around individual sensitivities and navel gazing, then simply saying you don't feel comfortable with it should suffice.

we were asked to have a real think about it, that it would be great if we all chose to do it

Firstly, I would play them at that game. Tell them you have had a real think about it. Use all the reasons posted here, they asked for real thought, give them ample evidence. Tell them you have chosen not to as you do not think it would be great. Then tell them that real thought deserves a real response, ask that they have a real think about about your reasoning and say you would be open to hearing their objections.

Nearlygranny this would work for me

Be ready to count the number of times you are subsequently misgendered and dead-named in emails and meetings. If all bullied female employees resorted to this tactic, demands for pronouns in bios would quickly disappear.

It's coming at my work. I normally keep my head down and my mouth shut but if / when they try and enforce it, I plan to tell them that my gender identity, along with my religion and my sexual orientation, is none of their business.

But I'm old enough not to really care about being seen as problematic and I sympathise.

Aside from the hijacking of previously biologically based words to validate some people's internal sense of identity, I genuinely am not bothered if people want to use he/him.

I think for those of us who aren't bothered or are happy for a guess based on name then it makes sense not to put them, as it's one less thing for people to have to check when speaking about someone.

If this ever happened in my workplace, in the (I hope) very unlikely eventuality that we were told it was now required, I would ask HR for the Equalities Impact Assessment they carried out before introducing this new policy. I would expect to see careful consideration given to all the protected characteristics in the Equality Act, not just gender reassignment. One of the benefits of being close to retirement, with no expecations whatsoever that I will advance further in my career, is that I no longer care very much what people would think if I make a fuss.

If we were repeatedly asked to consider it in that horrible passive aggressive tone the OP describes, I'd have recourse to a useful lesson I've picked up on MN: No is a complete sentence. Or, slightly longer: That doesn't work for me.

It's not fair to force anyone to declare a gender identity, whether that is because they know they would face discrimination because of it, or because they are unsure of their gender identity or because they don't want to be outed. @merrymouse

^this

For those who are bothered what pronouns are used for them it's reasonable for them to publicly announce chosen pronouns @Scout2016

^this

Which has got me thinking that....

I'd like to think we're all human beings working together. I respect and will use people's declared pronouns and thank them for helping me. I've decided not to use pronouns myself as this is the 21st century. Similar to the way I didn't gender stereotype my children. I prefer neutral. I prefer not wasting time on it. I prefer not constantly putting gender upfront to emphasise different treatment and unconscious bias. We're a group of people working together and are so much more as individuals collaborating.

Well after reading about all the advantages of appearing male I'd say switch to Mr/he/him.

I genuinely believe that this bullying people into using pronouns has actually become a way to trying to work out who is GC. It’s a sneaky, underhanded tactic used to police people’s thoughts. You’ve been given some fantastic advice on here OP and I look forward to hearing what their response will be. Would it help if you put it in an email, if you feel you can’t say it straight to their faces or do other posters think that would cause problems?

Isn’t it kind of like making someone declare their religion or sexuality? Something that his personal and you may not particularly want all on sundry to know. Of course I’d you do, then you will tell.