I have just read this thread and agree with OP and some other posters, I have experienced lesbophobia from a fairly young age (I don’t believe there is a single lesbian who hasn’t experienced it in one way or another), as well as being aware of it before that, e.g. knowing that is looked down on and considered dirty, shameful etc, but the personal benefits far outweigh the social negatives. There also seems to be a belief from some posters that no sexuality in particular is encouraged in society, when the truth is that everyone is encouraged to be heterosexual, the very fact that homophobia exists at all is evidence of this. Not to mention that lesbians are currently being sold the lie that they are heterosexual men trapped in the wrong body.
Despite all the NAMALT assertions, and the slurs that lesbian women are just as likely to be abusive as men, the reality is clear that it is males who commit the majority of violent and sexual crimes, not females of any sexuality. The idea that lesbians are somehow just like heterosexual men is lesbophobic and misogynistic imo, and as others have pointed out also ignores that there is a physical power differential between males and females, which simply does not exist between females.
Likewise, they seem to ignore basic feminist analysis that there is also a societal power differential that exists between males and females, which does not exist between females due to our sex. Males are clearly valued more than females due to the fact they are born male, and sex roles exist to ensure both sexes keep the hierarchy alive. Both males and females internalise those messages to some degree, so the male will always have more power in a mixed sexed relationship, it is wishful thinking to believe otherwise imho. Since this power dynamic does not exist in same sex partnerships, there is far more potential for them to be equal and mutually respectful, the only issue imo is the effects of internalised misogyny and lesbophobia that some lesbian women may not have resolved.
Moreover, feminists have written that due to us living in a male dominated society, sexual arousal itself in mixed sexed relationships tends to based on eroticising male dominance and female submission, to one degree or another. Although females in same sex relationships can also internalise and enact those dynamics, e.g. in S&M, role playing etc, there is far more potential for an equal partnership in same sex relationships, which is much more difficult in mixed sex relationships, at least in the male dominated society we currently live in.
I recognise that all of the issues I have faced as a lesbian in this society (not being represented in the media, negative stereotypes, lesbophobia from others, internalised lesbophobia, lesbians being objectified by men etc) is down to the fact that we live in a male dominated society, set-up by men as a group to benefit them. Lesbians are made into pariahs because we are not fulfilling the purpose men as a group have for us. Gay men are often despised because they are not taking their ‘rightful’ place on top of the societal hierarchy, and are thought to be ‘lowering’ themselves (and the male sex) by allowing themselves to be sexually used, as male dominated society insists that is the role women were created to fulfill.
I think the romanticised image of males that girls are bombarded with from a young age, particularly in the media e.g. in fairy stories, songs, romance films etc, is a problem, as girls come to believe that their happiness comes from partnering with males. I think ideally girls should be given more realistic images of males and informed (in age appropriate ways) of the reality of what males as a group have historically done (and continue to do) to females as a group. Ultimately, I think girls should be taught to question the romanticised image of males that is so prevalent, and the idea that partnering with males is the key to their happiness. That is not teaching girls to ‘hate men’ that is offering a realistic image of males, rather than the idealised image that is constantly pushed. I also think girls should be taught to value themselves and other females more, that can’t be done if male dominance is ignored, or swept under the rug with statements like NAMALT.
What sexuality would look like if we didn’t live in a male dominated society we can never know. However, currently in our male dominant society we have romanticised images of males drip fed to females from a young age and enforced throughout society, questioning of the romanticised view of males seen as hating males, sex roles that are enforced onto each sex, females seen as inferior (so they grow-up valuing themselves and each other less than they value males), societal pressure on females to partner with males, negativity towards same sex partnerships, and the eroticisation of male dominance and female submission. If these things no longer existed in society, in other words if we didn’t live in a male dominated society, I seriously doubt that as many females would grow-up desiring to partner with males as they do in our current male dominated society. I think many assume that how society is under male dominance is how society would naturally be without it and that is not necessarily so.
Regarding the surrogacy discussion, as others have pointed out gay males do not risk anything by hiring a woman’s womb, the risks all fall on the woman who carries the child, so it not the same as a lesbian woman taking the risks to her own health by conceiving a child by sperm donor. I think posters who are framing it as equal rights for gay men as for lesbian women, are ignoring the biological differences between males and females, the same way MRA’s do when they claim that feminists wanted equal rights, so they should compete against men in sports, regardless of the obvious physical differences, it is disingenuous.