"Micro" acts of every day sexism...

[GunpowderGelatine]

...you know the kind of things that, if you didn't look for it you wouldn't even notice?

For example, I'm at hospital today for an outpatient appointment. I noticed that when the staff (Male and female) would call out for patients for their appointment, they would use women's full names (e.g. "Emily Dixon?") and for men they'd use their salutation ("Mr Roberts?"). Every. Single. Time.

I feel like if we look out for things like these we'd notice a lot more? Is it just me going mad or do other people have things like this happen?

They were waiting for me to leave first. I think there are a lot of old fashioned men in my office. It happens every single time.

Do you have a fab arse?

I had a discussion with a male friend about opening doors for other people. He likes to be polite but wanted some 'rule'.

Hw now opens doors for anyone who needs a hand, so anyone pushing a pram, or carrying bags or using a walking aid.

Not sure if this is casual sexism (and racism) or just a man being a knob.
At work and a table of 3 men ask for a black coffee and a latte. I make and deliver them and twat#1 then says
"Yes my black coffee, ya know, like a black man, black men that all you women like!" Leer leer, wink wink.
I just looked at him and walked off, so he shouted after me I must be a lesbian then if I don't like black men.
Then accused me of shit customer service because I wouldn't reply.
He was white as am I. It was 6 hours ago and I'm still livid.
I don't know if it's sexist/racist but it was so inappropriate, yet I'm the one on the recieving end because I won't engage. Pisses me right off.

I think the medical ones are more understandable really. It was only recently that unmarried fathers got parental responsibility and tbh I think it is less sexist to assume couples are not married when having children. So it harks back to a time of safeguarding of women and children which is positive. All the other examples suck shit though.

I'm still reading the replies but 2 that have annoyed me recently:

People showing sympathy towards DH now we have just had our second Dd. Or asking if we will be trying for a boy. DH has taken to asking them outright why he should be disappointed to have 2 beautiful girls? They usually mutter something about hormones and future boyfriends 🙄

I went to the doctors to be referred to have my tubes tied. Doctor wouldn't refer me now because he was worried I was making an emotional decision as my baby was only 8 weeks old at the time. DH and I have only ever wanted 2, we have 2, we don't want and more importantly couldn't really afford a 3rd child so want to ensure that doesn't happen. So I'm too emotional to make that decision, but the doctor said he would be happy to refer DH for a vasectomy. He didn't answer me when I pointed out that DH also has an 8 week old and would also be making an emotional decision.

I don't know florence it kind of seems sexist that contraception is left up to the woman. I get why they would question a new mother (hormones) more than a new father. It could look like coercion on his part.

sashh
Many people need help, who don’t meet that criteria. I am disabled. Qualify for a bb but would not find a walking stick useful. I find able bodied people making judgments about how disabled people are supposed to look a micro aggression.

At my dds primary they always phoned/emailed me if there was a problem, despite the fact that I had listed DJ as primary contact & repeatedly told them that I had no phone signal and didn’t check my home emails while I was at work (they didn’t seem to be able to email work email address). DH was in the next village working more flexibly!

@FridalovesDiego I do see that hormones could cause a woman to think differently when she has a young baby, but I was quite insistent that this had always been our plan ever since we decided to start TTC our first. The other options offered to me are not suitable, hormonal contraception in the past has played havoc with my emotions (ironic) and in some cases (combined pill) contributed to me feeling extremely depressed. I became pregnant on the coil and subsequently miscarried that baby (in between Dd1 and dd2). So I don't want the coil again.

DH supports my decision and understands why I don't want hormonal contraception again. He was also pretty against getting a vasectomy, he just didn't want to. Which I also understand that is his choice. He is now looking into it again as it seems like our only option. It just annoyed me that the doctor wasn't really listening to all the reasons above and insisted I would change my mind once my hormones have settled down and this was just a knee jerk reaction because I had a new baby and was tired etc.

I'd booked a double appointment that day to also discuss the possibility that I have PND but left because I didn't have any confidence in what he was saying, he was just so dismissive.

Another micro act which really irritates DH is the lack of changing facilities and toilet he can take our daughters in. Changing tables are often situated in the ladies toilets. Some places are getting better and big shopping centres etc usually have great facilities. But our nearest city centre has no toilet facilities that DH can use with dd (3.5) she still needs help with the toilet and he wouldn't always want to take her in the men's toilets (the public loos especially are usually in a right state, it wouldn't matter is Dd was a ds). He doesn't feel comfortable going into the ladies with her. The baby change room has no toilet. Which just leaves the disabled toilet. Which isn't ideal and often you need a radar key anyway. Like he said it's the assumption that it will always be a female taking care of changing etc.

Told my DP's brother the old classic riddle (father and son in a car crash, son gets rushed to hospital, surgeon says "I can't operate on this boy, he's my child) and after guessing everything possible (including parallel universes and a gay couple)

I tried this on a friend's 10-year old son. Same thing - 2 dads, stepfather, adopted etc. My friend (female) is a doctor!

I drive a pretty snorty American style sports car. I popped over to the garage to put it through the car wash and my Dad decided to come along for the ride. There was a bit of a queue so he jumped out to go and get the token while I waited. Came back pissing himself laughing as he’d overheard a discussion about how the car must be a reregistered import with left hand drive. A much simpler explanation than a woman driver!

@Mummyoflittledragon, fwi (and I appreciate this is not about feminism), I thik we all make assumption on how much help people need. Its not about being disabled but about trying to evaluate someone else need.
So we all use clues. a pram, a walking stick, some who is limping or going more slowly. I know I would be more careful for all of them but it has no link with the fact they are or not disabled.

I say that as someone who is chronically ill btw and has issues movinf around for long

At the gym I've noticed that the hook for the barbell safety clips is at the very top of the weight rack. I can reach it (just) as I'm 5'10, but I imagine many women can't. The rack is clearly designed for male use. I always put the clip on the floor.

@Doodoobear that's fucking outrageous. Racist and sexist

In restaurants, this has happened alot when the bill comes and I'll give the waiter my card to pay and he will hand it back to my husband or I'll ask about the wine and the waiter will speak to my husband about it instead of me eventhough I was the one who asked about it.

And just almost every sport, it's always the womens team just the team for the men. Or Boxing and womens boxing etc

@HeyNotInMyName
I do realise what you are saying. Sorry to hear you have similar issues. I go very very slowly a lot of the time. I do appreciate my comment was not exactly about feminism. But I do think I’m invisible a lot of the time and this has to do with my age and sex. Too old to be sexy. Too young to be old aged.

The dc’s infant school used to alternate Being your Mum/Dad to school days every year. Bring your dad day first - they organised for a helicopter to fly in, give a little talk, pictures of kids and dads by helicopter. Much excitement, big deal made of it, lots of other activities going on too that mums were asked to volunteer to help out wth other activities.

The next year - take mums day and the invites went out - asking for mums to volunteer with the activities. I went to ask the head why they weren’t asking for me n to volunteer she did have the good grace to say that they had got into the habit of asking mums for help so did change it - albeit to parents - for the reminder. When I asked what exciting activity they had lined up

Argh, not sure how I posted that!

Anyhow, wondered what fab ‘treat’ they had lined up after the helicopter the year before, got told it was tile painting. When I said no I meant their big main activity, y’know like the helicopter last year as that really impressed the kids and was something different and tile painting was just one of range of additional activities last time... nope. That was it. They did something special for the dads but couldn’t be bothered to do it for the mums. I did tell them it was incredibly sexist and setting a horrible example that dads were worth treating but mums weren’t but they weren’t too bothered.

Seriously not impressed with them!

@FlorencenotFlo
It may be different in the UK but here under a certain age they're loathe to go for anything permanent. A vasectomy at least can sometimes be reversed successfully though it still comes under the "at your age are you sure?" banner. I know of couples also where the doctor has insisted on discussing "what if something happened to one of your children?/what if something happened to one of you/your marriage?". But those discussions can be started by doctors talking to men considering a vasectomy also. I can see why they want you to consider all angles.

Rotas and schedules for school events defaulting to just the mum. Because a dad could never serve tea or coffee at a fundraiser.

Lots of people asked me in a very well meaning way whether I was going part time now when I returned to work after maternity leave. No one asked, or asked about, DH doing this. It was taken for granted that his working life wouldn't need to change.

wibdib our local Children's Centre used to run a Bring your Dad session on a Saturday (obvs as men are the only FT workers ) They served bacon cobs and hot drinks and were very much advertised as "let the kids play while you chill out and make new mates". Meanwhile the midweek groups, open to anyone, didn't so much as allow you a biscuit and were very much promoted as "spend quality time with your children". Very irritating.

Arse in the post office today. Started by telling me how my parcel was wrongly wrapped, got on to "I bet you'd do #metoo", I told him yes, I'd certainly report an assault and was told "it wasn't assaults it was power." Later said he'd been bating me and I'd fallen for it - I told him there were so many real arseholes how could anyone tell the difference? He also said something about "i suppose you're not going to do something about the parcel then?" And told him "Nope!".

He also went to the wrong counter and when he was directed to mine stood next to me instead of going back to the queue. Grrr. I should have called him on that.

None of this would have happened if I'd been male. But with attitudes like that #metoo is going to struggle.

Also my autocorrect capitalises Male but not female.

@Binglebong Male is a city, capital of Mali. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Sorry!! Capital of the Maldives