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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Calling out male creepiness

89 replies

Gingerkittykat · 20/10/2019 03:02

Last night I went to a different supermarket on my way home. The checkout guy was being supervised, he announced it was his first time so we (me and DD) should be gentle with him. At the end he asked how he had done and when we said he had done well he said we should pass on our compliments to his wife.

This man was in his 50s, the person supervising was a guy in his early 20s who seemed pretty shy and a bit awkward.

Obviously he gave me the creeps and both me and DD commented he was a perv to each other after we had left the till.

I wish I had done or said something now, how would people here have handled it?

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 20/10/2019 03:06

I think sometimes you just need to step back with a blank look or a "what?" That can be enough. Creeps are looking to see what they can get away with.

If it were somewhere like an evening out where they could follow you, something more obvious like "Well that was creepy!" might be needed.

SonicVersusGynaephobia · 20/10/2019 04:59

His wife taught him how to work on a checkout?

I don't get it.

NotBadConsidering · 20/10/2019 06:27

Another one who doesn’t get it. Is he attributing his success to his wife? As in, he couldn’t have done it without her?

Sorry if I’m missing the obvious.

NotBadConsidering · 20/10/2019 06:41

Just to clarify, I’m not denying you found him creepy.

GeorgeFayne · 20/10/2019 07:29

Oh...wait! I think I get it. He said it was his "first time and to be gentle" to reference virginity and a first sexual experience. Then, he asked how he did, also alluding to sex, with the response about his wife. Gross.

You know, I find that there are creeps that are worth calling out or reporting, and those that just aren't worth your time or effort. I don't know on this one? I imagine if you reported his comments to a manager, he might have lost his new job?

Nicola1892 · 20/10/2019 07:35

The guy was probably very nervous and didn’t think that his comment was inappropriate. My dad is in his 50s and comes out with some awful comments sometimes. It sounds like the guy was trying to be friendly but said the wrong thing, you will probably find he’s never worked in that sort of environment before and the comment is normal for warehouse/labour jobs etc. I wouldn’t make a complaint as he would probably get fired over a comment that would of been acceptable 20 years ago. Snowflake society

kristallen · 20/10/2019 07:49

He knew what he was saying. If he hadn't mentioned his wife, I'd say there was room for interpretation. Not at all with mention of his wife.

I'd report that to the manager. Whoever was supervising him likely won't pull him up on it. I don't care if it was acceptable in the past (it wasn't btw, it was just that women and girls had to put up with that shit), we live in the time we do and if he's facing the public, he needs to live in the present. If he can't do that then there are always other places to work.

testing987654321 · 20/10/2019 08:14

I am in my 50s. Bollocks do men in their 50s not realise when they are being creepy. Maybe he has got away with it a lot, but he knew what he was saying.

HorseWithNoFucksToGive · 20/10/2019 08:47

Snowflake society my arse.

AnyOldPrion · 20/10/2019 09:04

I'd report that to the manager.

I wouldn’t have in the past, but I’m realising more and more how much I suppress those instincts and don’t make a fuss.

I can’t imagine he would lose his job for that. Not one complaint. But worth doing in case he is acting the same with others.

That said, I’m not sure I’d complain in person if I had to use the shop again afterwards. Life as a woman is complicated. I’d hate creepy guy to know I’d complained, in the event he didn’t disappear.

Given the choice, I’d complain, then not go back...

I’m overthinking this, aren’t I?

JoyceJeffries · 20/10/2019 09:04

Christ almighty - being in your 50s isn’t old and it isn’t an excuse.

sarahjconnor · 20/10/2019 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Karabair · 20/10/2019 10:26

Yeah complain about him, his manager can give him some training and he won’t be able to use being at the till to sleaze on women. Otherwise he’ll just carry on and women will continue to be made uncomfortable.

TimeLady · 20/10/2019 10:53

I would have a discreet word with a manager, saying you don't want to officially complain or for him to lose his job, but maybe they could have a quiet advisory word with him that such comments are not appropriate in this day and age? I've avoided particular checkouts in the past but funnily enough, they were staffed by women who behaved like the checkout girl on the Fast Show.

I had an incident in TK Maxx yesterday; went to try on some clothes in the women's changing room and there was a bloke (and clearly a bloke) halfway down the aisle chatting to a girl in one of the cubicles through the open door.

I went further down but still felt uncomfortable with him there, pondering whether to say something. So I spoke to the young man overseeing the changing rooms on the way out, asking if he knew there was a man in the women's changing rooms. He said "He's with his girlfriend" so I told him that the cubicles did not have floor to ceiling partitions, people have camera phones, it made me feel uncomfortable and he shouldn't be there. This was clearly above the poor lad's paygrade, so I found a manager and said the same to her and she went to sort it out.

I didn't hang around for the outcome, but I felt better about having said something.

CanaryBlossom · 20/10/2019 10:58

What a creep.

I’d have looked stony faced at him and said “tell your wife? What do you mean? Do I know her? Has she trained you how to work on a checkout?”.

Euromillsplz · 20/10/2019 11:09

Am I the only person here who doesn't get it? I wouldn't have thought he meant anything sexual at all. Surprised people think the same as OP?! I would've taken it as an awkward attempt at a 'joke'- a bit sexist maybe, just that his wife thinks he's a bit useless and he wants her to hear good feedback?

No??

Just me.. 😑

testing987654321 · 20/10/2019 11:23

The choice of the word "gentle" along with "first time" makes it a sexual reference. I would never use such words as I would not want to bring sexual references into a shop transaction.

It's the kind of thing many people would consider just a bit cheeky but I would feel creeped out.

SarahTancredi · 20/10/2019 11:30

Urgh. What a creep.

What bugs me even more than this is that age etc is used as a defence. Women pick eachother apart trying to establish if it was innocent or we misunderstood etc

Men know this. Men know we hold the bar of behaviour expectations so bloody low they get away with this shit because we assume they cant possibly help it.

Then men counter the argument with "ffs you cant say anything to anyone anymore " as if we are out there to somehow turn every excuse me please or can you please pass the washing powder into some sexual harassment allegation.

We know exactly what you mean. And we know men know we know .

Regular non creeps manage to hold conversations with women without worrying about things being taken the wrong way.

If a man is at all worried hes clearly a creep.

HorseWithNoFucksToGive · 20/10/2019 12:24

The acid test for me is - would he have said it to a man?

testing987654321 · 20/10/2019 12:53

The acid test for me is - would he have said it to a man?

I like it. Anyone here think the answer to that is "yes"?

Branleuse · 20/10/2019 13:06

I dont get it?

Branleuse · 20/10/2019 13:07

Im not denying you felt creeped out, but I dont understand what he said that was unambiguously creepy or worthy of complaint for?

Inebriati · 20/10/2019 13:12

OP, I'd say something. Imagine having to work with him and having this much trouble getting your manager to see the problem.

StrangeLookingParasite · 20/10/2019 13:14

Snowflake society

Oh what fucking bullshit.

walkintheparc · 20/10/2019 13:19

I'm not sure this warrants 'reporting', he was just a strange person with no sense of humour. As a pp said, sometimes you just have to say "huh??" and make them realise how odd and weird they are being. If you have the energy to be brazen keep asking questions about what they meant all confused until they shut up. Oh, being a woman is exhausting.

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