Calling out male creepiness

[Gingerkittykat]

Last night I went to a different supermarket on my way home. The checkout guy was being supervised, he announced it was his first time so we (me and DD) should be gentle with him. At the end he asked how he had done and when we said he had done well he said we should pass on our compliments to his wife.

This man was in his 50s, the person supervising was a guy in his early 20s who seemed pretty shy and a bit awkward.

Obviously he gave me the creeps and both me and DD commented he was a perv to each other after we had left the till.

I wish I had done or said something now, how would people here have handled it?

For me it was some dude with a bad sense of humour and poor choice of patter.

I think it means, his wife is his boss and therefore you should feed back to her.

I'd nod my head and move on. If a women did this, cited her husband as her boss you'd justifiably be concerned that her husband was coercive. In a man in his 50s, so one of the upper echelons, he was just being an ass.

Plus at the end of the day it was a man in his 50s, being supervised by a guy in his 20s, while working a till. His position isn't great. He probably feels some level of embarrassment.

Plus at the end of the day it was a man in his 50s, being supervised by a guy in his 20s, while working a till. His position isn't great. He probably feels some level of embarrassment

Why do we always try and feel.sorry for these people.

For all we know he could be loaded and choose to work.part time in a supermarket for some interaction a couple of times a week.

What Job level does it go from being an embarrassment allieviater to totally unacceptable?

I work in retail sort of. Does this mean I'm low down enough to put up with innuendos?

you can dissect his reasons forever, but ultimately we have to coexist with all sorts of odd people, and being odd isnt illegal. Being creeped out is your own feeling and can stem from him triggering an uncomfortable memory of someone else, which is hardly his fault.
It is unpleasant to feel creeped out, but he didnt say anything lewd or suggestive or ask you out inappropriately. He didnt touch you. He just sounds a bit out of touch and maybe a little odd.
Let him get on with his life. Not everyone is brilliant at small talk. Everyone probably makes someone else feel uncomfortable at some point

The acid test for me is - would he have said it to a man?

Thank you House!

Another pinging moment of Mumsnet Clarification there.

I didn't get it til I read people's analysis and it makes sense now

But then in situations myself, I don't usually realise something is sinister, creepy or wrong til later

I also come out with really stupid or misplaced or inappropriate things all the times when nervous

But sometimes I get a creepy feeling with certain people and am more likely to realise something at the time

Did he have a creepy feel, or was it just because of what he said

It's called double entendre. That kind of thing went out with Benny Hill and Dick Emery, for goodness sake!

The first comment, about being gentle with him because it's his first time, is a reference to loss of virginity.
The second, asking for the compliment to be passed on to his wife, references sexual performance.

Yes, he was creepy; yes, he knew what he was saying.

The choice of the word "gentle" and "first time" make it a sexual reference
Since when? I totally would have taken this to mean it's his first time on the checkout, and "don't be too harsh on me if I cock it up". I would've taken the comment about his wife to mean she has been supportive of his new job and will be happy to know he's doing well!

I’m overthinking this, aren’t I?

You're not. Not in any way. He's a creep, and creeps like this rely on subtle nuances so that people (ie. women) do a double take and think: 'did he really intend that to mean what I think he means?' And then we convince ourselves that he didn't.

Once might be a blunder: 2-3x in the same sentence? That's deliberate.

Why is it that we question our own gut instincts and capacity for interpretation before we question men's behaviour? (Rhetorical question disclaimer necessary here). We all know why, and we know the form of social conditioning women are put through in order to arrive at this position. And I don't know about you but I for one am through with putting consideration for these shudderworthy, predatory men above my own ethics of right and wrong and my own personal comfort and peace of mind.

Report the slimy little creep. If he's fired, perhaps he can get some of his weird kicks in explaining that one to his 'wife'.

Am I the only person here who doesn't get it? I wouldn't have thought he meant anything sexual at all. Surprised people think the same as OP?! I would've taken it as an awkward attempt at a 'joke'- a bit sexist maybe, just that his wife thinks he's a bit useless and he wants her to hear good feedback?

think it means, his wife is his boss and therefore you should feed back to her

Since when? I totally would have taken this to mean it's his first time on the checkout, and "don't be too harsh on me if I cock it up". I would've taken the comment about his wife to mean she has been supportive of his new job and will be happy to know he's doing well!

I agree with all of these. If the comments were meant to mean what other posters are saying they would have sailed over my head.

My overthinking comment wasn’t related to whether he was being creepy. It was me taking the thinking further regarding the dilemma I would experience when considering reporting a creepy man to another man (assuming the manager was male - if not, reporting would be easier).

But you’re right. Even with that I’m not overthinking. I feel it’s likely a male manager might listen, make the right noises, then go back to creepy man and they might have a laugh about it together.

And then creepy man would know I had complained about his creepiness and might progress to something worse.

So having read the rest of the thread, I have concluded that humiliating him in public by “innocently” frowning and pointing out I didn’t know his wife and asking why he’d said it is probably the most comfortable approach.

It’s sad, just how little I trust men I don’t know. But there it is. I don’t.

Thanks for the feedback, especially the thought that he would not have said that phrase to a man.

I get that he was likely trying to be friendly and break the ice but it still doesn't make creepy comments ok.

I'm torn between sending an email and just letting it go. I don't want him to be sacked but rather to learn not to creep out female customers.

I think it’s a bit inappropriate, but I can’t believe people are suggesting he should be fired over this. If you went there again and it became a pattern then maybe, but one incident? He tried to make a cheesy joke and it didn’t come off. I’ve done that plenty of times.

I’d put this in the same bracket as asking for a person to be fired because they misgendered someone.

As to the person who thinks we should feel sorry for him as he is doing a fairly basic job. Not everyone ends up at the top of their career for all kinds of reasons, I certainly haven't, it doesn't give a free pass to be creepy.

Since when? I totally would have taken this to mean it's his first time on the checkout, and "don't be too harsh on me if I cock it up". I would've taken the comment about his wife to mean she has been supportive of his new job and will be happy to know he's doing well!

Believe me, from a male in that age bracket, it was all about the innuendo. "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was 'channelling Benny Hill day'".
Ugh.

That's the problem with these things though, so often the creepiness is subtle enough that you end up not doing anything about it because you don't want to be 'that' person, and most people wouldn't want to be the reason someone lost their job.

I have a creepy colleague at work, the sort of bloke who slides his hand down your waist when he goes past, and makes creepy intrusive comments too. But he is more senior than me, and on a permanent contract rather than zero hours, all me complaining would do is lose me my job. I'm easily and cheaply replaceable, he isn't, so he is protected if one of us was to make a complaint. Hence why he chooses to pick on the young women on our team rather than the female managers. So I have to put up with it, makes my blood boil but there is nothing I can do.

You go to someone more senior than him. Explain exactly what happened and that you don't expect it to happen again.

Not easy I know.

I have a bloke I dance with occasionally who has just crossed the line from pleased to dance with me to creepy. I didn't deal with it properly last time, but next time I see him I will say that I don't want to dance with him as he made me feel uncomfortable last time.

I think I'd just say in all honesty, 'I think the way you worded that could be misconstrued, so you might want to work on that.' Don't think I'd formally complain after the act but I'd keep an eye out for him if I went again and be more ready to tackle it the next time. It's so easy to get wrong-footed when you're busy thinking about shopping and other stuff.

The acid test for me is - would he have said it to a man?

I don't see why not, but then I'm not convinced he was making sexual references.

The choice of the word "gentle" and "first time" make it a sexual reference

Oh dear, I've heard people use this phrase many times, women to women, women to men. Creeps the lot of them?

TBH I don't think it was an unambiguous sexual reference or that the two comments were clearly connected. That being the case, I likely wouldn't do anything, generally I'd have to be pretty sure to make a complaint.

I would try not to let a generalised feeling of creepiness come into my decision in this type of situation.

Oh dear, I've heard people use this phrase many times, women to women, women to men. Creeps the lot of them?

Yeah, they do. It was originally a sexual reference, but I think it's one of those instances where it has entered speech patters in a way that means people often say it without any intent to reference that idea.

His comment would have been lost on me I'm afraid.

Can't stand creeps though.

I have a creepy colleague at work, the sort of bloke who slides his hand down your waist when he goes past

It's hardly the same as the incident here is it? There's nothing ambiguous about that.

It was originally a sexual reference, but I think it's one of those instances where it has entered speech patters in a way that means people often say it without any intent to reference that idea

Posters use it on AIBU and FWR - are they all creepy perverts?

The choice of the word "gentle" and "first time" make it a sexual reference

You're right, I have seen it used several times on here.

The OP said:

Obviously he gave me the creeps and both me and DD commented he was a perv to each other after we had left the till.

I. Believe. Her.