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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Guardian Article on the Joys of Being a Single Woman

147 replies

IcedPurple · 13/10/2019 10:23

Had a quick check to see if this article had already been posted but seems not. I guess you could file this under 'tell us something we don't already know' - it's long been known that well-being stagnates or declines for women on marriage, while the opposite is true for men - but still good to see it being talked about. And in The Guardian, of all places!

*For years, the feminist writer Linda Hirshman courted controversy by advising that marriage, unless to an exceptional man, is often a “bad bargain” for women. With every child a woman has, she sees her pay and long-term professional opportunities decline, particularly if she leaves the workforce for a significant period of time.

Furthermore, marriage has historically presented women with two options, neither good: marry a man and sacrifice your autonomy and career goals to become financially dependent on him. Or marry a man and maintain your own career but be prepared to have a “second shift” career taking care of him and the home. Even among more open-minded millennial men, the female spouse still ends up doing the majority of caregiving and housekeeping.

More women, however, are foregoing marriage and motherhood. In doing so, they trade in their “second shift” and instead begin taking care of themselves. To use Hirshman’s language, they are rejecting a “bad bargain”. This new status quo frustrates men who feel entitled to female companionship, such as angry male “incels".*

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/13/you-dont-have-to-settle-the-joy-of-living-and-dying-alone

OP posts:
Seekingclarity01 · 13/10/2019 10:35

Great read! (And well timed for me having very recently broken off a 6 year relationship. I’m really looking forward to single life.)

IcedPurple · 13/10/2019 11:18

Fascinating isn't it? Time and again studies show that single women are happier than married women, yet we are sold this notion of singledom as being some sort of failure for women.

I wonder in whose interest that is in? Because it's certainly not women's.

OP posts:
Deliriumoftheendless · 13/10/2019 11:26

Learning this is my youth was the reason I decide I would never marry. I did live with a long term partner but that wasn’t great for my mental health either.

AnyOldPrion · 13/10/2019 11:49

Not going to click on a Guardian link, but does it list being able to play with your breasts and penis in peace as one of the perks?

EmpressLesbianInChair · 13/10/2019 11:50

Surprisingly enough it’s a good article.

Boireannachlaidir · 13/10/2019 11:56

I've noticed things like this more recently. See also the Boots (shop) free magazine. There's an article in there about it being okay to be a women and shock horror choosing to be single!

Boireannachlaidir · 13/10/2019 11:57

Woman not women Blush

AutumnRose1 · 13/10/2019 12:04

I think the message is getting through

I think I'm treated less as "you must be looking" than I used to be.

I honestly don't know how I'd cope with anything if I wasn't single and childfree.

BarbaraStrozzi · 13/10/2019 12:06

Yes, many surveys and studies have suggested that the emotional well-being and happiness pecking order goes:

  1. married men and single women (happy)
  2. married women and single men (not so happy).

Like others this is a suspicion I harboured as a teen - that (for all the ball-and-chain rhetoric ubiquitous in society in the 80s) actually marriage was a pretty sweet deal for men and a pretty duff one for women. Subsequent experience (because I'm straight and like men, and like sex, so have had several long-ish relationships) is that I am indeed happier, more emotionally stable, more creative, more productive, more adventurous (travelling etc) as a single woman.

Now I'm a single mum, and although it's tough at times, being a single mum is a far happier experience than being partnered with a waste-of-space. And now I take DS on big overseas adventures (I travel for work, and can usually arrange for him to come too if I time it right).

AutumnRose1 · 13/10/2019 12:06

Oh and before anyone asks, I include coping with illness and injury when I say that.

I don't know what the figures are on men wanting to be single but I imagine that's on the increase too?

Sicario · 13/10/2019 12:28

Marriage and motherhood is the greatest scam every perpetrated upon women.

MadamBatty · 13/10/2019 12:33

I’m a very happy single middle aged woman. I was married & had another long term relationship.

I will never be coupled up again.

Others are constantly trying to push their single male friends on me.

I think I need a coming out party as single. People can clap me for being brave stunning & my authentic self.

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 13/10/2019 13:00

I've been single and living on my own for about 5 years after a long term marriage.
I've done some dating and had casual relationships and enjoy that, but never want another serious relationship or to live with a man again.
Being a single parent is waaaay easier than being married. This way, I only have one person to look after and not two.

MsMcWibble · 13/10/2019 13:13

Married and child free. Conscious decision based on this. Even just being married, has had a negative effect. I love him and he's a good bloke. He's added a huge amount to my life, but the lion's share of housework and administration has always fallen on me. This did have a negative impact on my career.
There's no way, if he went under a bus, I'd ever get another.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 13/10/2019 13:18

I honestly don't know how I'd cope with anything if I wasn't single and childfree.

Winsomelosesome · 13/10/2019 13:27

Ha I don't need an article to tell that that living without a man is wonderful. In the 30 or so years I've been an adult I've spent 10 years living with a man, 10 years living alone and 10 years living with my child. Living alone definitely wins, I do actually really enjoy single parenthood but it definitely places limitations on my earning power and I'm not sure how well I'll cope once said child reaches late teens if they're still at home. Loneliness is alien to me, I am happiest when alone and free to do as I please. If some see that as selfishness then fine I'm selfish and I'm ok with that.

MoltenLasagne · 13/10/2019 13:46

I'd love this mindset to be encouraged for all women - when "being alone" isn't viewed with horror then it gives women the confidence to set good boundaries and walk away from bad relationships. Perhaps (being massively optimistic) if men realised women weren't afraid of being alone they'd be more likely to step up and pull their weight.

GaraMedouar · 13/10/2019 13:55

I’m a single mum middle aged woman since cocklodger left 3 years ago . I asked him if he might like to contribute something financially and maybe do a bit of housework possibly - he said no and left - lived for free at a mates house for a couple of years before going to cocklodge at new girlfriend’s. I would occasionally like to go on a date but never want a permanent live in partner again.

AutumnRose1 · 13/10/2019 14:06

McWibble "Even just being married, has had a negative effect."

I hear this a lot. Like they think they've trapped someone because perhaps people can't face divorce or something? I don't know.

MsMcWibble · 13/10/2019 15:21

Autumn I don't know. I do know that if I had kids I would have been even more trapped.
Many years have passed and he has woken up quite a lot. Not sure if he would have behaved differently though, if we were starting all over again.

MissLawls · 13/10/2019 15:53

To put the contrary view... I absolutely HATED being single. This was after a very painful breakup which it took me years to get over. I found someone much better and we've been together 30 years now. Give each other lots of space and he does more than his share of the housework, including cleaning the loo and doing the washing.

I did want kids but it didn't happen. Left it a bit late to try, late 30s/early 40s, but we agreed we'd let nature take its course or not. Am reconciled to being childless and being a hands-on auntie instead.

There is much that's great about being single and there were moments I enjoyed and look back on with a smile. The self indulgence, the dinners for one in front of the TV. But I missed companionship more than anything and I don't think we're meant to be alone. I think we need people. Friends are fine, so is family. But I think it's natural and human for most people to try to share their life with someone.

Knewmee · 13/10/2019 16:27

An interesting book to read is ‘Singled Out’ by Virginia Nicholson. It’s actually about women who were single in the decades following the 1914-18 war but is really thought provoking, often very moving, and has some unintentionally hilarious quotes from men outraged by all these early singletons.

Pipandmum · 13/10/2019 16:28

Yes it is on another thread.

MissLawls · 13/10/2019 16:30

@Knewmee I second that recommendation. It's a fascinating book. One of the saddest aspects I found was that sometimes they were so poor they couldn't afford soap! Don't know why that should have struck a chord with me but it did.

highwindowsbluesky · 13/10/2019 16:32

What if you do actually want to have children, though?

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