Guardian Article on the Joys of Being a Single Woman

[IcedPurple]

Had a quick check to see if this article had already been posted but seems not. I guess you could file this under 'tell us something we don't already know' - it's long been known that well-being stagnates or declines for women on marriage, while the opposite is true for men - but still good to see it being talked about. And in The Guardian, of all places!

*For years, the feminist writer Linda Hirshman courted controversy by advising that marriage, unless to an exceptional man, is often a “bad bargain” for women. With every child a woman has, she sees her pay and long-term professional opportunities decline, particularly if she leaves the workforce for a significant period of time.

Furthermore, marriage has historically presented women with two options, neither good: marry a man and sacrifice your autonomy and career goals to become financially dependent on him. Or marry a man and maintain your own career but be prepared to have a “second shift” career taking care of him and the home. Even among more open-minded millennial men, the female spouse still ends up doing the majority of caregiving and housekeeping.

More women, however, are foregoing marriage and motherhood. In doing so, they trade in their “second shift” and instead begin taking care of themselves. To use Hirshman’s language, they are rejecting a “bad bargain”. This new status quo frustrates men who feel entitled to female companionship, such as angry male “incels".*

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/13/you-dont-have-to-settle-the-joy-of-living-and-dying-alone

I am glad so many people are happy and childfree, I don’t have children but am married. Would not do so again, you need sufficient income to do the things you are interested in however.

Iced purple - so true

"I have no children"

I once received the reply, "Not even the one?" when I said this to a man who was fitting a vinyl floor in my kitchen. As if he were referring to a biscuit or some other frippery

I think marriage is the greatest scam every perpetrated upon women.

Motherhood has been the making of me, the great love of my life that has made me a better person is that of my children.

I'm not married but living in domestic misery with their Dad. Planning an escape, I will never live with another man ever.

Interesting thread.

I'm childfree by choice but am in a long term relationship (10 years, not married).

I do not feel remotely shackled or beholden to my DP. I holiday alone and with friends every year, have never done any of his washing or ironing or cooked (we both do our own even though we live together)

I feel that I get only good things from the relationship like the pleasure of his company and can't really think of any negatives.

So I think it depends on the nature of the relationship or marriage as to whether it creates extra work for the woman.

I feel that I get only good things from the relationship like the pleasure of his company and can't really think of any negatives.

That's fantastic.

However, how many women enjoy such an equal relationship? My guess if very few. Also, I do think children make a huge difference. I have seen so many couple's relationships change from being very modern and equal to being very 'traditional' as soon as children arrive.

I don't like company. I'd consider getting a cat but it seems like too big a commitment.

Same (again)!

I could happily spend days without talking to a single person. Which doesn't mean I can't be sociable or interact with people when the time is right. It's just that often, I prefer not to.

Just resurrecting this old thread if I may. I find that when I am rundown or have a health concern it is far easier to deal with it on my own as well. I do have ds to consider but now he is 16 it isn't so crippling by a mile. I take care of my health much better when I am single.

Lots of happy responses here about the benefits of remaining single and studies to support it. However, what's the income and educational demographic of these women? Isn't life often so much harder and more expensive when you are at the bottom of the financial ladder, when you have few choices in life or got a bad start?

Living alone is very expensive. You could live with a friend and plenty do, but as you get older there are fewer and fewer people available to live with in this way as so many people are married or live with partners. You could live with someone younger, but most 20-something year old women want other young people to be housemates with, not someone the same age as their mums.

How do people manage living alone on minimum wage? I'm just wondering if the women responding positively to all aspects of being single are those who have a degree of financial freedom, with good
& stable careers.

Argh. Zombie thread.

I must admit I live in a very cheap area and am practically mortgage free yes. My income although not loads is enough for me and ds to cope with a small holiday yearly soon plus some savings. I do live fairly cheap mind with the exception of annual fillers good skincare and vitamins/supplements.

Non smoker and barely drink which I also know helps as substances are very pricey. Just a modest and cheap social life. Perhaps I am just boring! A lot of my hobbies I do at home and are free e.g. yoga on DVD at home, piano playing, cds which are so cheap these days (showing my age). Radio 4/LBC London Radio etc. Netflix. All these are very low cost. I also drive a very cheap car to justify ds's designer clothes plus my annual fillers but the retail/beauty high is so worth it!

I find it so upsetting that most men expect their wives to do the 'second shift'. Why isn't this changing? I am the only woman I know whose partner does his fair share.

I said this recently on another thread. I love being a mother. It's the number one best experience of my life. Not only the mothering but I'm naturally a 'childish' person and having my DS has reintroduced me to lots of my old interests so even outside of how happy I am to be a mother, I'm just so much happier in my hobbies and interests and home decor, etc.

But, what has been a surprise is how fucking amazing being a divorced single mother is (though I'd actually prefer to be a widowed single mother if I'm totally honest). To be fair, I somehow stayed married to an abusive addict who I thought was in recovery up until he "relapsed" when I was pregnant. I left when DS was newborn and haven't looked back. In a lot of ways it also makes me credit DS with freeing me because I couldn't look honestly at how awful my marriage was for my sake. But there was no way on earth my baby was going to grow up with that man in his day to day life.

I do really miss sex though. I'd quite like a fuck-buddy but I don't like big age gaps and most men my age (40s) are divorced and desperate for to replace the mother replacement that recently got sick of them so they do want a relationship. If they want no strings, it will almost always be because they have a mother replacement at home. I'm also terrified of meeting a guy I foolishly really like and forgetting how much I really, really, really never want to be in a relationship again.

As far as I'm aware the data actually suggests both men and women are happier single but divorced men are the least happy (probably because they were taking advantage of their partner who then divorced them).

So the trick seems to be never get married in the first place.... That only works if you don't want children though (imo).

Trancepants that does make me chuckle when u say you wd prefer to be a widowed single parent lol. Certainly women whose partners have died are in general more socially acceptable and less judged or avoided by women coupled up. As if by default of being single parent we are less of a person in our own right than our widowed counterparts!

I'm long term single, but with a child. Interested to hear how other long term single women on here handle the sex question. Do you have fuck buddies, or go without?

There are a number of options TinyTrouble 1. Roger Rabbit (Lovehoney sit) 2. Casual v easy to get online but the quality cannot be guaranteed 3. Learn to do without 4. Go swinging parties (single women allowed but men must attend only as a couple) once social distancing relaxed (Indian variant permitting plus any others). I must admit the second option was fun for a while. Now I tend not to seek it much. Still contemplating option 4!

@Manzanilla55

Trancepants that does make me chuckle when u say you wd prefer to be a widowed single parent lol. Certainly women whose partners have died are in general more socially acceptable and less judged or avoided by women coupled up. As if by default of being single parent we are less of a person in our own right than our widowed counterparts!

Yeah, you definitely have a higher social status if widowed. My ex was a serial suicide threatener though. I stayed with him for a long time to keep him alive. And in the first year or two of our separation he would fake it and disappear for a few days to scare me. So I spent a lot years worried about him dying.

Yet once he realised I wasn’t going to do what he wanted to prevent him from killing himself, he suddenly stopped wanting to kill himself.

@Manzanilla55

There are a number of options TinyTrouble 1. Roger Rabbit (Lovehoney sit) 2. Casual v easy to get online but the quality cannot be guaranteed 3. Learn to do without 4. Go swinging parties (single women allowed but men must attend only as a couple) once social distancing relaxed (Indian variant permitting plus any others). I must admit the second option was fun for a while. Now I tend not to seek it much. Still contemplating option 4!

I’m a mix of 1 and 3. I’m also very, very fit. I have absolutely no doubt that I work out so much at least in part for the physical release I don’t get from sex.

Perhaps women in couples feel threatened by us (presume we may want to steal their husbands?) And or cannot possibly manage on our own. Pity us. Or envy our ability to pull it off.

Any of those three options sucks. We just want to be treated the same as anybody else. Sorry if slightly digressing.

I have this conversation regularly with my family (ladies) who say "wouldn't you like to settle down again". I was with my ExH from age 16 to 40, 3 kids and had a relatively happy productive life. I kind of always knew it was never going to last "til death us do part" and boy and I happy to be single.

My answer to my family "Nope, never again" and apart from one FWB in the last 10 years I've managed to stay totally man-free and I LOVE IT!

Looking back (and I don't regret the marriage and the children) I always felt trapped in the support human role and didn't realise how much of ME had been eroded over the years. I dd miss sex initially but found the FWB situation was mentally draining and I don't do casual sex (wish I could sometimes). Having not had a shag for a good few years now I've found the urge has waned sufficiently to get on without it!