Guardian Article on the Joys of Being a Single Woman

[IcedPurple]

Had a quick check to see if this article had already been posted but seems not. I guess you could file this under 'tell us something we don't already know' - it's long been known that well-being stagnates or declines for women on marriage, while the opposite is true for men - but still good to see it being talked about. And in The Guardian, of all places!

*For years, the feminist writer Linda Hirshman courted controversy by advising that marriage, unless to an exceptional man, is often a “bad bargain” for women. With every child a woman has, she sees her pay and long-term professional opportunities decline, particularly if she leaves the workforce for a significant period of time.

Furthermore, marriage has historically presented women with two options, neither good: marry a man and sacrifice your autonomy and career goals to become financially dependent on him. Or marry a man and maintain your own career but be prepared to have a “second shift” career taking care of him and the home. Even among more open-minded millennial men, the female spouse still ends up doing the majority of caregiving and housekeeping.

More women, however, are foregoing marriage and motherhood. In doing so, they trade in their “second shift” and instead begin taking care of themselves. To use Hirshman’s language, they are rejecting a “bad bargain”. This new status quo frustrates men who feel entitled to female companionship, such as angry male “incels".*

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/13/you-dont-have-to-settle-the-joy-of-living-and-dying-alone

I honestly don't know how I'd cope with anything if I wasn't single and childfree.

Same.

Of course that lifestyle works out great for many women, but barely a day goes by when I don't thank my lucky stars that I've made the choices I have.

I think we need people. Friends are fine, so is family. But I think it's natural and human for most people to try to share their life with someone.

But very little about the modern lifestyle - including having discussions with complete strangers on the internet - is 'natural'. And besides, modern marriage/nuclear family - man and woman plus kids - is actually a very very new arrangement in historical terms. For the vast majority of human history, humans have lived in groups, not couples.

And 'natural' or not, when study after study confirms that single, childfree women are the happiest demographic, there must be something to it, surely?

But presumably that’s because they chose to be, iced

If you didn’t choose to be on your own and not to have children, it’s pretty heartbreaking.

*But presumably that’s because they chose to be, iced

Women choose to be married too. Yet surveys consistently show that they are less happy than their single peers.

If you didn’t choose to be on your own and not to have children, it’s pretty heartbreaking.

Well obviously if you want something very much and don't get it, then you are likely to be unhappy. But that does not change the general rule, shown time and time again: Single women are happier than married women. Married men are happier than single men.

It is good to see more research in this area and I have always strongly suspected that men, in general, get a much better deal out of marriage and cohabiting relationships than women.

I think it's important for women (and men) to remember that there are no guarantees in life. A relationship might not bring you happiness and satisfaction. A happy relationship can end abruptly either because a partner leaves or dies. If you are single and desire companionship, there will be a percentage who may never find a long-term partner. We simply don't know how life will turn out and we have to roll with whatever cards we're dealt with.

However, that doesn't mean you can't be savvy and financially astute in your decisions and life choices.

I've always planned my life with the assumption that I will only have myself to rely on; really, it's the only logical position to take - so I have made education, career and life decisions to reflect that. Fortunately, I have never had any desire for children, so as long as my career holds up, I will hopefully have a house and a reasonable pension by the time I can no longer work.
The relationships I have are a bonus and should not detract me from my underlying principle. I'm careful to not merge my finances too much with any partner. Even when I was married I didn't have a joint account. I retain my independence and life goals - I'm still putting away enough in my pension and saving up for a mortgage deposit. The house I buy will be in my name even though my partner will be living with me.

Women have to realise it's important to be able to support yourself come what may. We cannot expect men or wider society to have our back (though I do strongly support left wing policies for more social care, social housing, living wages etc). It is much easier to walk away from difficult relationships when you know you can afford a roof over your head. And as women we have to be realistic that decisions like having children can seriously impact on our financial security.
It shouldn't be so, but motherhood does bring a lot of risk to physical, mental and financial well-being. Men will never experience the same level of vulnerability. It is important that young girls realise the odds stacked against them and be level headed about the life decisions they make.

Women have to realise it's important to be able to support yourself come what may. We cannot expect men or wider society to have our back (though I do strongly support left wing policies for more social care, social housing, living wages etc). It is much easier to walk away from difficult relationships when you know you can afford a roof over your head. And as women we have to be realistic that decisions like having children can seriously impact on our financial security.
It shouldn't be so, but motherhood does bring a lot of risk to physical, mental and financial well-being. Men will never experience the same level of vulnerability. It is important that young girls realise the odds stacked against them and be level headed about the life decisions they make.*

Agree completely.

I think girls are still being sold a slightly more subtle, updated version of the 'happy ever after' of husband and children. It would be good it this were presented as just one option among many, and probably not the one most likely to bring happiness either.

Will getting married make you happy? That depends on your gender says @profpauldolan #HayFestival2019

twitter.com/bbcarts/status/1133398020454666246?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1133398020454666246&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbc.ca%2Fradio%2Fthecurrent%2Fthe-current-for-june-7-2019-1.5166139%2Fdon-t-pity-the-single-ladies-author-says-they-re-probably-happier-than-you-1.5166141

I think it would be interesting to see what the happiness scores are for the (small but hopefully growing) group of women who are in equal relationships with a partner, male or female. I'm fortunate to be very happily married, have a child & more on the way, DH and I both have good careers, share the domestic stuff. He's added enormously to my life, emotionally and practically - we have worked together to build what we have.

That said, I 100% agree that women should not rely on a partner. Having your own independence and a strong sense of self & self-worth is the best foundation for a good relationship. My DH knows I would never put up with the kind of crap I read about too often on here. I'd rather be on my own than in a bad relationship. But I'm not convinced being alone is better than a really good relationship.

I think it would be interesting to see what the happiness scores are for the (small but hopefully growing) group of women who are in equal relationships with a partner, male or female.

I agree it would be interesting but it would be very hard to quantify. Also, what is a happy relationship today may not be so happy a year or 5 years from now.

But I'm not convinced being alone is better than a really good relationship.

Again though, surely it depends on the individual? I love being single and childfree. Even the 'good' aspects of marriage and motherhood simply don't appeal.

But I'm not convinced being alone is better than a really good relationship.

Again though, surely it depends on the individual? I love being single and childfree. Even the 'good' aspects of marriage and motherhood simply don't appeal

Exactly. I think most women know themselves well enough to know what works for them, and none of the pluses to family life - or couple life - attract me in the slightest. But there are others who would hate being single, & both viewpoints are absolutely fine.

Yes - I'm not single and childfree because I'm afraid of the risks of a bad marriage or the downsides of motherhood.

I am single and childfree because I like it that way, and because marriage and motherhood just aren't appealing in any way. To me.

"But I'm not convinced being alone is better than a really good relationship."

Depends on the person, surely.. if you don't want a relationship, it doesn't matter how good it is, it fundamentally can't be better than being single if being single is top of your list of needs. Emotional needs obvs, not needs as in food and shelter!

Well, I’m not single, but I don’t live with my partner and my partner is not male.

All of the most unhappy women I know are the ones who can’t live without having a man around.They’re so desperate not to be alone that they put up with the most awful lazy wastes of space. They’ve also never been single for more than a month at a time, so never find out that they’re putting up with utter shite.

I love being single, I was very briefly married and realised after I escaped that I had never actually been as happy in a relationship than I am on my own. That was the moment everything changed for me.

I'm now about to have a baby on my own (six weeks from now!) and I think I'm going to love being a single mama too tbh. I certainly haven't missed having a partner through the pregnancy at all, in fact today I was at an antenatal course with a lot of couples and I came away even happier my birth partner is my mum! ☺️

I am not totally ruling out ever being in a relationship again but I can't really imagine it. It would have to be with someone absolutely amazing that brought things to my life I can't really envision. And even then I probably would not live with them!

I think things are gradually starting to change, but still there is so much social indoctrination that women couldn't possibly be happy on their own, that they must secretly be sad and lonely. I think many people see the idea of a happy single woman as a kind of threat to the established order or their own life choices.

I wish I’d read articles like this when I was in my 20s. I always wished I’d learnt what I have from mumsnet in my 20s too. I’m married with three kids and my husband around many things adds to my mental load. My mum has always been very set on what I should do. And I think I’ve been pushed down more roads I wouldn’t have necessarily followed. I’m not sure I’d ever live with a man again.

I wish I’d read articles like this when I was in my 20s. I always wished I’d learnt what I have from mumsnet in my 20s too.

Me too.

@Alwaysgrey (good user name for this miserable grey Monday morning!)

That's why we need to keep reminded our daughters (if we have them) and young women in general that the "marriage and children" thing is just one among many options available to women nowadays. Previous generations of women were not so fortunate.

Are there any stats on the relative happiness of those of us who have women as partners (and live with them)?

I was previously married to a nice man, but feck me - he was nothing like as easy, companionable, funny, wants-the-same-things-that-I-do as my female partner of 20 years is.

I heard the most ludicrous stuff in my 20s and I suspect it's worse now

I heard that I'd HAVE to get mart and have children because the pressure of everyone else doing it would make me a social pariah

I'd heard that it was a massive catastrophe to be left out of a dinner circle or some such

I was told that people would stare at me if I did cinema or theatre alone

All sorts of shit.

I heard the most ludicrous stuff in my 20s and I suspect it's worse now

Yes I do sometimes wonder if we're going backwards. I have heard that more women change their names on marriage than a few decades ago - I guess that's a slightly separate issue but I wonder if it is a resurgence of some sort of 'new conservatism' among women.

I'm 50 and have been travelling, going to the cinema, restaurants etc alone for as long as I can remember. I've never really had an issue. People often tell me they admire me for being so 'brave' (?) but I do wonder what they say behind my back. But that's their problem, as I sit in my nice quiet house doing whatever the hell I feel like. Not mine!

Yes Iced I have been doing social media stuff relating to weddings recently and so many women change their name on social media the day after or even the same day of the wedding. It’s almost like that was the purpose of it, to become ‘Mrs HisSurname’.

In terms of what people say behind your back....I had a male friend who was told by his father "I'd rather you were divorced than never married because forever single makes you look a weirdo or gay".

I've never met the father; he's too obnoxious to be introduced to friends apparently.

Another single friend who can't attend a weekday wedding in another country - requires minimum 3 days annual leave - has been told be a relative "you're just jealous so you refuse to take the time off work".

My late father would say "let the dogs bark" but I do wonder if he'd have liked me to get married.

Yes Iced I have been doing social media stuff relating to weddings recently and so many women change their name on social media the day after or even the same day of the wedding. It’s almost like that was the purpose of it, to become ‘Mrs HisSurname’.

My sister in law must have hot footed it straight from the ceremony to her laptop in her high heels, as she'd changed her name on FB within minutes of saying 'I do'. Or so it seemed. And she is someone who would consider herself a feminist.

It does seem that even now, women think of marriage as an 'achievement' which they wish to advertise by taking their husband's name. I imagine that feminists back in the 1970s probably thought the custom would have died out by now, but if anything it seems to be enjoying a resurgence.

Marriage is something that is built up in the minds of girls and women.
Thinking back to when I was at school, a lot of the girls used to fantasise about their future wedding, and having children. Like this was an end in itself - happiness achieved.
I'm pretty sure none of the boys did this.
This was anathema to me (one of the reasons I had few friends at school).
However, when I met my husband I knew he was the one for me and I would never want to live without him.

Marriage and living with men is more popular now due to austerity.

The vast majority of people cannot afford to go to work and pay for childcare as a single person without government help. The more single mothers are squeezed, the more women will live with men.