My mum is sexualising my 9mo

[IsThisYourSanderling]

I don’t have a relationship with my mother (LC last two years), but have a private Instagram account where I upload pictures and videos of the kids for her to see. This keeps her quieter than she would be if she didn’t see pictures of the kids, so it works for me. I don’t post comments as that’d be more communication than I’m comfortable with, but she comments on the pictures - usually innocuous things like ‘what a lovely boy’ and ‘she’s such a happy baby’.

Yesterday I posted a video of my 9mo baby girl blowing raspberries and laughing. She commented this: ‘If little M is going to be a good mimic you must steer her away from certain influences and noises. I’ve seen bad habits develop that way. Her being charming and an entertainer will make her an object for wrong attention and this worries me.’

This is a disturbing response to a video of a 9mo baby laughing and blowing raspberries at her parents, isn’t it. She has a lot of awful attitudes (and MH issues that she won’t acknowledge), but it’s made me feel queasy. Obviously DS’s old raspberry-blowing videos drew no such comments. She’s not even a puritanical Christian type, doesn’t go to church or anything.

I remember once watching the news with my mother and grandmother during the whole Milly Dowler murder trial. The clip of Milly dancing while ironing in her living room was shown, and my grandmother said, ‘well you can see why it happened can’t you.’ My mother agreed.

Now she’s turning her Carrie’s-mother-intensity gaze of disapproval at my baby. Has anyone else had similar?

I’d keep typing but the baby’s awake now!

Block her.

Why bother reading her comments? If you are happy to keep posting pics for her, then do so, but I really wouldn't be reading anything she has to say, and tell her so next time you post.

You can turn the comments feature off on instragram. Might be the best idea!

My late mother was similarly deranged.

I really enjoyed the film Carrie as the depiction of Carrie's mother resonated, apart from the religious elements, with my experience of my mother. It was a relief that somone could imagine that a mother could behave in such an appalling way.

When my father sexually abused his children my mother was complicit. She explained it away by delcaring that my siblings and I were "filthy" and touching one another in some unspecified sexual way.

As a child and young teen my mother often accused me of sexual activities that I was not involved in, while spectacularly failing to notice real abuses happening under her nose.

I do not know the extent to which my mother was sexually abused herself (I suspect that she may have been) or whether her derranged perspective was to do with her being neglected, experiencing poverty, mental health issues including narcissism and / or the fact that she evidently enjoyed making others miserable.

In your situation I would express surprise and confusion to see whether you can elicit further evidence of your mother's instability. You never know what's round the corner and one day you might find it helpful to have such evidence should she ally herself with someone who means you harm.

This last bit might sound paranoid but I am speaking from bitter personal experience.

Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

There again I am near-atypical and collect evidence of all kinds of things like others collect stamps

Wtaf?!

How on earth could she see that as sexual??

I would stop uploading photos and videos to be honest

I'd block her completely and delete the account. It probably sounds a bit extreme but if you're low contact anyway, then just have done with it and cut her off. If she is like this when your DD is a baby, what is she going to be like in her teens?!

Just stop sending her things. Don't let her kick off. It doesn't sound like you get anything from this, and it's one less thing for you to worry about. Does she download them from Insta?

If you really can't, turn off the ability to comment - but honestly, her view is bizarre and you are already LC. I'd cut the cord.

Turn off the comments function, restrict the pictures you post to around one a month really bland, dull pictures.

how bizarre

My IL are very religious and FIL suggested that berets feeding would turn DS 'perverted' to which I replied "I would assume Jesus was breast fed, was he a pervert?" which shut him up.

😂😂 I love how quick on your feet you were there. I would never have come up with that so fast.

I would cut contact completely now OP.

And that would be the very last time she ever saw my baby.

Blocking sounds extreme to me. Sometimes a parent has ridiculous view about something but so what? She has no contact with your children so I don't see why this bothers you so much?

FWIW (which is probably not much) I'm a survivor of SA. And what it does is let you see the 'other side' its a horrible part of having gone through that experience. So I know its all perfectly innocent for a child to dance say, even in a emulative way of a much older person. And there's nothing at all sexual in it. But I'm simultaneously aware that yes this is perceived as sexual and a turn on to disgusting people.

It doesn't sound as if shes one of those people but someone concerned that it could be interpreted that way, which makes me wonder about your mother's background and whether shes had any unpleasant or abusive experiences?

She is deranged. I agree with a Tonnerre, turn off comments & just add really bland photos.
Although I think I would challenge this too. Express some surprise & confusion as she should be told that this is not a normal way to react to a cute video of your baby.

She has no contact with your children so I don't see why this bothers you so much?
Its directed at OP, not her daughter, that's why. It piles on to the lifetime of similar comments and incidents that are the reason OP has low contact.

IME when they start on your children its time to go fully NC.

No suggestions I'm afraid but between my mother and MIL (generally ok relationships with both) I've had to answer questions as to whether my 9mo daughter has a boyfriend at playgroup and been reassured that she's not fat (cos obviously I was deeply worried about whether my perfectly normal sized baby was meeting restrictive beauty standards!) Obviously her male cousins haven't had this. It's mental. Depressing it starts so soon. Will just have to try and be a voice of reason and hope I can help her laugh it all off in the future.

Thanks all. I didn't know I could block commenters on Instagram- I've done this now, and deleted the video (obviously), and written a comment explaining that such a deranged response to a cute baby video is disturbing, so I've blocked further comments. I'll also do what someone suggested of dialling down the frequency and interest level of the pictures I do post.

I would love to go NC and have before, but it leaves me more vulnerable to her showing up where I live. With the Instagram, I can monitor her - though not now I've blocked the comments, I guess

CatherineofAragon I agree that it's the sort of thing someone who has been abused might say / think. My mother is a closed book and has always been very prudish and embarrassed about sex (it's a miracle that I exist at all), never had a partner since I've known her, would always leave the room if a sex scene came not he TV. I'll never know if she was abused. Her mother shares all her attitudes, and they live together, though they despise each other.

hoodathunkit

It's telling that you refer to your 'father sexually abusing his children' as if they were some people you didn't know :(

I agree that it's the sort of thing someone who has been abused might say / think.

Yes. Which makes it so sad that the consequences of being abused not only ruin the victim's life, but can carry on to the next generation.

Tbf though, in this case, I don't think she is a survivor of abuse. Her thinking is a logical way for a survivor to think, and an unhealthy way for anyone else. My mother has severe MH issues and this is very much the sort of thinking she shows on a whole range of topics. I guess I posted in Feminism just to see if it's the sort of comment baby girls (or their mothers) do have to put up with, or whether it's just my mother being off the wall as usual. I'm seeing that it's the latter. Might head to Stately Homes and think harder about going NC

My mil told me the ds's could never be nappy free or would get sexual feelings.
The same woman who when she couldn't bf due to severe mastitis had her dm ease the pain by....
Can't even text the rest.
More gross imo than a naked baby.
Your dm sounds a nasty piece of work.
Please stop her looking at pics of your dc.

Yes that's totally weird.

Can't believe your mum and gran said that about Milly Dowler as well, WTF?!

How could anyone look at a 9 month old blowing raspberries and think such a thing. The Milly Dowler comment is shocking. I'd block her.

It's a weird comment, but TBH I would not worry too much about it. People with problems in their thought process will bring all kinds of concerns and worries that are on their minds and apply them in ways that don't always seem to make sense. Often there is a kind of logic in their thinking if you could see all the connections they are making but they clearly aren't valid in any normal sort of thinking.

But it's not harmful to others if they don't have any real contact, it's a symptom of their own problems.