My mum is sexualising my 9mo

[IsThisYourSanderling]

I don’t have a relationship with my mother (LC last two years), but have a private Instagram account where I upload pictures and videos of the kids for her to see. This keeps her quieter than she would be if she didn’t see pictures of the kids, so it works for me. I don’t post comments as that’d be more communication than I’m comfortable with, but she comments on the pictures - usually innocuous things like ‘what a lovely boy’ and ‘she’s such a happy baby’.

Yesterday I posted a video of my 9mo baby girl blowing raspberries and laughing. She commented this: ‘If little M is going to be a good mimic you must steer her away from certain influences and noises. I’ve seen bad habits develop that way. Her being charming and an entertainer will make her an object for wrong attention and this worries me.’

This is a disturbing response to a video of a 9mo baby laughing and blowing raspberries at her parents, isn’t it. She has a lot of awful attitudes (and MH issues that she won’t acknowledge), but it’s made me feel queasy. Obviously DS’s old raspberry-blowing videos drew no such comments. She’s not even a puritanical Christian type, doesn’t go to church or anything.

I remember once watching the news with my mother and grandmother during the whole Milly Dowler murder trial. The clip of Milly dancing while ironing in her living room was shown, and my grandmother said, ‘well you can see why it happened can’t you.’ My mother agreed.

Now she’s turning her Carrie’s-mother-intensity gaze of disapproval at my baby. Has anyone else had similar?

I’d keep typing but the baby’s awake now!

I'm really sorry, that is awful. My sister has made unwelcome comments on my daughter's posts on Facebook and it leaves a horrible taint on what was a happy post. Then she has a dig on Facbook about never hearing from her, well there's a reason for that!

It's a very old fashioned view of dancing and performance...some religions banned dancing and women on the stage looked on unfavourably. Women attracting attention at all, to be discouraged. How ridiculous to see that in a baby doing what they all do!

It's a case of either finding a way of pushing aside her comments so they don't affect you or blocking her. It is a difficult situation.

Its an odd thing for your mother to say for sure. Why do you share photos if you are NC? Did your mother have a bad experience as a child that has made her over zealous? Why do you think she has this attitude?

It sounds as if she got it from her own mother....the Milly Dowler account.....

Blocking sounds extreme to me

To me too...and more than a little cruel. As others have said turn off the comments section.

@IsThisYourSanderling

If you block them unblock again, she'll unfollow you. Then she won't see your post on her feed and can't comment, but probably won't know why or that you had anything to do with it.

Its not cruel to block sexually abusive adults from your children's lives.

Its not cruel to block sexually abusive adults from your children's lives.

I'm sorry, making a weird statement on a FB pic is not sexually abusing someone. If anything it seemed like she was worried about the potential for sexual abuse.

Don't be sorry, its clear you don't have experience with this kind of abuse.

Being overly concerned about abuse and seeing abuse where there is none can be in itself abusive behaviour.
It can also escalate into physical abuse in the form of examinations.

I think I would not respond to or acknowledge her comments, but I would monitor them and keep them just in case, she sounds potentially malicious

Don't be sorry, its clear you don't have experience with this kind of abuse

It is also clear that you are responding based on your own personal traumatic experience; but there is no evidence presented that this mother is a sexual abuser: more that she is overly and far too acutely & inappropriately aware of the potential for sexual abuse -most likely from her own actual or inherited experience ( via her own mother ).

All parents come to be reviled by their children at one point or other. It is inevitable. No matter how good a parent you think you are being. We are all fallible and flawed. I think it is cruel, in most circumstances, to cut your parents out, entirely - certainly if they want to be involved at some level.

On a lighter note @Sarahjconnor I’m disappointed you corrected, I was laughing at the thought of every time you fed the baby you had to put a beret on, preferably at a jaunty angle 🤣🤣

My mum does this. Makes comments like , "oh! Look at his little willy, standing up!!" Then laughs. My poor little 6 year old gets mortified. She's always been like this, and is one of the reasons I avoid her as much as is possible. It's fucking weird.

This sounds to me as though your mother and grandmother are well and truly indoctrinated into the mindset of the rules of misogyny.
1st rule, Women are responsible for whatever men say or do.
You have a responsibility to your child and that responsibility means that you need to do your best, you need to step up and protect your child from irrational nutters. If the irrational nutters are part of your family then just cut them off. Get rid, get shot.

Stop sharing the pics.
If she turns up? You don’t actually have to open the door.

The Milly dowler conversation is appalling, she sounds weird and sinister I can see why you liken her to Carrie's mother!

I’d just stop all contact. I did with my mum and life has been so much easier not worrying about her comment sir stripping etc. If you’re already low contact now maybe no contact could be something to try? Then again if she keeps showing up that would be stressful. I wonder what could be done in that situation? All I can think of is to call the police or tell her to go away each time.

If the irrational nutters are part of your family then just cut them off. Get rid, get shot

That is far too judgmental in my view. Of course, I agree that the parental up-bringing and indoctrination has brought this about - but they are still parents and human beings, albeit of their time & background. That surely has to mean something at the end of the day in purely human terms. Just disallow comments.

I’d just stop all contact. I did with my mum and life has been so much easier not worrying about her comment sir stripping etc. If you’re already low contact now maybe no contact could be something to try? Then again if she keeps showing up that would be stressful. I wonder what could be done in that situation? All I can think of is to call the police or tell her to go away each time

Wow! That's harsh - not just on her, but on you. Do you have children? Is no form of reconciliation possible? Reconciliation, in some degree, must always be the best option, if at all possible. If only for your own spiritual health.

Justhadathought

Okay, do not assume you know anything about my reasoning for stopping contact. I’m not getting into it on here because it isn’t necessary. There is never going to be reconciliation and that is the best outcome for me and my kids. You may think it’s harsh but you also don’t know anything about her so are in no position to judge.

Okay, do not assume you know anything about my reasoning for stopping contact. I’m not getting into it on here because it isn’t necessary. There is never going to be reconciliation and that is the best outcome for me and my kids. You may think it’s harsh but you also don’t know anything about her so are in no position to judge

So why post if you are not willing to explore or be open to question?

Justhadathought Really? Did I ask to be questioned or was I giving my opinion on something? I think you’ll find it was the latter. No contact works for me and mine and my mental health is a lot better for it. No more needs said. Why are you so keen on knowing intimate details of my life?

I realise the word stripping is in my first post, that is a typo. I meant stropping.

@justathought
Reconciliation, in some degree, must always be the best option, if at all possible. If only for your own spiritual health.
What a pile of shite!!
What fuckin planet are you on? PP mention abusive parents but reconcile?
Please stop with your ridiculous suggestions, beyond insensitive and stupid.

usthadathought Really? Did I ask to be questioned or was I giving my opinion on something? I think you’ll find it was the latter. No contact works for me and mine and my mental health is a lot better for it. No more needs said. Why are you so keen on knowing intimate details of my life?

When you post publicly, you are making your personal experience public. It is no longer private. If you don't welcome questions or interest then don't post.

What a pile of shite!!What fuckin planet are you on? PP mention abusive parents but reconcile?
Please stop with your ridiculous suggestions, beyond insensitive and stupid

Ditto! You are clearly very angry. But I am not a counsellor. This is a public forum - for the purpose of exchange and discussion. If you don't want discussion or exploration, then don't post.

Clearly you’re not a counsellor, none would suggest always try to reconcile. I’m not angry just appalled at your ignorance.