My mum is sexualising my 9mo

[IsThisYourSanderling]

I don’t have a relationship with my mother (LC last two years), but have a private Instagram account where I upload pictures and videos of the kids for her to see. This keeps her quieter than she would be if she didn’t see pictures of the kids, so it works for me. I don’t post comments as that’d be more communication than I’m comfortable with, but she comments on the pictures - usually innocuous things like ‘what a lovely boy’ and ‘she’s such a happy baby’.

Yesterday I posted a video of my 9mo baby girl blowing raspberries and laughing. She commented this: ‘If little M is going to be a good mimic you must steer her away from certain influences and noises. I’ve seen bad habits develop that way. Her being charming and an entertainer will make her an object for wrong attention and this worries me.’

This is a disturbing response to a video of a 9mo baby laughing and blowing raspberries at her parents, isn’t it. She has a lot of awful attitudes (and MH issues that she won’t acknowledge), but it’s made me feel queasy. Obviously DS’s old raspberry-blowing videos drew no such comments. She’s not even a puritanical Christian type, doesn’t go to church or anything.

I remember once watching the news with my mother and grandmother during the whole Milly Dowler murder trial. The clip of Milly dancing while ironing in her living room was shown, and my grandmother said, ‘well you can see why it happened can’t you.’ My mother agreed.

Now she’s turning her Carrie’s-mother-intensity gaze of disapproval at my baby. Has anyone else had similar?

I’d keep typing but the baby’s awake now!

It's good that you've shared photos with her this long, but IMO just because people are "family" they don't deserve to see or get updates on children automatically, they have to earn that. Her behaviour and comments mean she should certainly not be allowed updates, so you've very much done the right thing by blocking her.

Clearly you’re not a counsellor, none would suggest always try to reconcile. I’m not angry just appalled at your ignorance

Well, if you don't share your experience, how can you expect anyone to understand your particular perspective? What is it that i'm supposed to be ignorant of? Are you someone who has uniquely suffered?

I also said reconcile wherever possible

Sometimes it takes time to heal.

*Reconciliation must, in some degree, always be the best option.
*
Nonsense. Why on earth would you 'reconcile' with someone who is abusive towards you mentally or physically? Your own mental health and well-being has to come first in these situations.

‘Reconcile’ and ‘it’s good for your spiritual health’ (whatever the fuck that is) are just yet more ways of saying, ‘women be nice, put your own needs last as usual, be a doormat’, and in this case, ‘don’t protect your own kids from abuse, those girls need to get used to how the world is’.

Don't reconcile with abusers.
Model good boundaries for your children.
Demonstrate their safety is important to you, more important than other peoples outrage or hurt feelings.

Reconciling with people who are abusive is BAD for your soul, it's like telling yourself that you deserve to be abused
Have firm boundaries, REFUSE to engage with people who treat you badly

The thing is Justhadathought you didn’t even ask any questions etc you just stated that reconciliation has to happen, I don’t have to divulge private information to you, this isn’t my thread I’m not here for validation or advice, I’m giving my opinion on my own situation and offering it as an option to op, only she knows her situation and wether my comment was helpful or not. Kindly stop prying, it’s weird.

@IsThisYourSanderling how is she sexualising your 9 y/o op? I don't fully understand what you mean

The thing is Justhadathought you didn’t even ask any questions etc you just stated that reconciliation has to happen

No, I didn't. The poster shared with us her experience and asked what others thought she should do. A number of us thought it might be unnecessarily harsh to cut her mother off altogether - given that she is her mother, and there was no mention of her having been physically or sexually abusive towards the poster, in any obvious or described way.

It was suggested that she simply disallows comments on her instagram account. That way her mother could still see images of her grandchild and feel included in some small way - but that the poster would not have to be annoyed by her comments.

If we cut everyone out of our lives because they said things we sometimes found annoying or upsetting, we'd have few if any relationships of any duration in our lives. Relationships can be complex, and are not always black & white. And children are always their own parents fiercest critics. Anyone who has children knows this.

Sometimes it can be extremely difficult to forgive our parents too - when we feel they have wronged us ( which all parents inevitably do even in some small ways)

The fact that some of you have suffered sexual or physical abuse seems to be the reason for your hard line advice to the poster - and that might be the absolute best advice to give to some, for the purpose of their own mental health in similar circumstances; however - just getting all angry and enraged when people offer different suggestions, or a different take on the situation is not very constructive or helpful for anyone.

I happen to think that re-conciliation is always the best option, whenever possible. Obviously sometimes that is simply not possible in any way at all due to the precise nature of the abuse. But where some measure of relationship can be preserved, no matter how limited, I would say from a spiritual health point of view, that is usually the best way forward.

You don’t get it do you? You have no idea on my reasons for going no contact and I even stated that may not be the choice op makes. My reasons for going no contact are very valid after years and years of forgiveness and then getting shit in return.

It’s not always the best option to reconcile. If someone is so toxic that being in contact with them is detrimental to your life then you are much better off without them.

@Justhadathought
Reconciliation is not always best. Being related to someone doesn’t give them the right to trample over you, your feelings and always have a get out of being forgiven. These toxic, manipulative people drain your mental well being never mind bloody spiritual health.
What a load of shite you haver!

Nobody’s suggested the OP cut off contact because of one off-colour or ill-judged comment on Instagram. The OP made clear that she has as little contact as possible with her mother due to a whole range of things she doesn’t want to go into. People have said that if her mother has been abusive to her in the past, as seems vastly most likely given the situation, and that the comments sexualising her baby daughter and about Milly Dowler are part of a pattern of such abuse, then she might well be better off having no contact.

Nobody goes no contact with family members on a whim. It’s vastly painful and taxing as a thing to do. And it only makes sense when staying in touch is even more painful and taxing for oneself and/or if one’s children are at risk of becoming subject to the same abusive behaviour.

My mum does this. Makes comments like , "oh! Look at his little willy, standing up!!" Then laughs. My poor little 6 year old gets mortified.

Why are you showing pictures on Facebook of your 6 year old naked? Why are you then showing your 6 year old the comments?

There is nothing spiritually healthy about letting an abuser stay in your life
To those who ask how could you treat your mother like that the OP might well ask how could my mother treat her daughter like that

@Kazooboohoo I'm assuming the poster meant her mother says these things in person in front of the child rather than commenting online.

You don’t get it do you? You have no idea on my reasons for going no contact and I even stated that may not be the choice op makes. My reasons for going no contact are very valid after years and years of forgiveness and then getting shit in return

You have made no effort to read and understand my words, have you?
You just turn everything back to your own wound.

What a load of shite you have

What a foul mouth you have.

My spiritual health is well fucked then as I have zero intentions of contacting dm ever again!!
My dc's well being comes before my zen!!

Thanks TheFloors, and to everyone here who have had to make the painful but necessary choice to go NC. I've been thinking about it, and going NC for me would mean more, not less contact, as it's likely my mother would doorstep me. She's done it before (on my due date with DD) and it was horrible. Sharing pictures online, but with comments blocked now, is a slightly more secure position for me because it's just enough to stop her paying a 'surprise visit'. I'll not be sharing videos again, there's just too much there in a video for her to scrutinise.

Justhadathought I've spent most of my adult life trying to keep my mother in my life. The last three years I've been basically begging her to seek MH treatment so that we can continue a relationship - she won't, and thinks I want her to in order to have her certified in old age. I have to protect my children from her unpredictable behaviour. 'Reconciliation' with someone who won't reconcile on any terms but their own is impossible.

And yes to the misogyny. She's saying that I should dissuade my baby from making 'certain noises' in case the inevitable 'bad habits' she develops attract the attention of men further down the line. Just wow.

Imagine what'd she's say to DD at 5, or 8, or 12, if this is what she's saying now to the normal developmental behaviour that is blowing a raspberry.

Excuse typing fails there!

Jesus, the MD comment is appalling

I think "reconciliation, wherever possible" makes it clear that sometimes it's not possible. There are good reasons IMO to see it as a positive outcome when it is, but I don't think that's the point here.

The point seems to be that in this case, the grandmother does not seem to be an abuser in that way or at that level, and the advice to cut her off on that basis seems out of proportion and potentially damaging in itself. Not to mention unkind to someone who already has significant struggles.