Go on then - PMDD

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

What do you think it is?

Yet again on this forum I am finding myself defending myself and my past actions from self righteous posters who won't even begin to listen, to try to understand.

Apparently the fact that overnight, back when I was in my mid 20s, my whole character changed and I went from being an outgoing, sociable woman to an angry, wailing banshee that had a very hard time not hitting out, and occasionally failed miserably, means I am an abuser and it was a choice I made!

That my DH (bf as he was then) was so worried at the sudden change in me that he spent 2 years trying to talk me into seeing my GP.. and then another.. and then another... to see what the hell was wrong with me (he feared a brain tumour). He, and I, were told by everyone that I was 'just hormonal' or ot was 'that time of the month'. I was not. I was in the grip of a fucking awful dysphoria that I could not control, could not see out of, could not undertsand.

So... I tell you honestly... during the day at work and in the few social situations I coud be persuaded to go to I could just about hold it together. Being in public meant I acted according to social rules and mores. But at home, when I relaxed and shed that public face I could easily get lost in a haze of fury with very little notice and no control. Anything could trigger it, anything!

Then there would be a period of utter calm, I would be my usual slf, my period would start and then, for a week or so, all would be well.

The thord GP we saw spent a lot of time explaining what my endocrine system seemed to be doing to me... we discussed a range of interventions and started with changing my contraception. 48 hours later I felt the difference, physically and mentally. A week later and it was ALL GONE and has never returned.

So... did I make a choice to abuse my partner or did I have a physical disorder that changed me, ;leaving me with very little control, i f any at times?

I want to point out that this was just MY CASE as many women have very different symptoms including suicide ideation.

Please do share if this rings a bell with you... it is a shit condition to expreince and only made worse by posters telling me that I "got away with it" and am an abuser and should own it!

It’s a severe form of PMS, isn’t it?

One of the Mum I support in my job as family support worker in a school had it. She really suffered and was treated by the mental heath team.

From the information you have provided it appears you did not choose to abuse your partner.

Thank goodness a doctor FINALLY helped.

I think you aren't alone in this, I have heard a number of instances where someone was acting abnormally from a medical condition, or mental illness, and their partner has been told it's abuse, or reveals that they are actually horrible people.

You made a choice. Sorry if that is harsh, I can only go by what you wrote.
You even say you held it together in social situations.
You kind of sound like a man defending their domestic abuse tbh. But they don't usually blame high T levels.
I had the same disorder. I verbally abused my partner on occasion.

I have had PMDD. After my first DC was born it really hit and was at its worst when they were preschooler age. I look back on some of my behaviour then and feel utterly ashamed - my DH and DC1 bore the brunt of some terrible outbursts. I was absolutely emotionally abusive. I got help and thankfully it is now well under control. I have to take responsibility for how I behaved, I don't think I get to say it was the PMDD so not my fault - I managed to hold it together at work and with friends. The PMDD absolutely gave me awful mental heath and this absolutely had an impact on how I behaved and would form part of any mitigation in my defence. But I still feel responsible for the devastation I caused.

I struggled with PMDD for many years. It had serious negative effects on my personal and professional life. It was mistakenly diagnosed as bipolar disorder and I took lithium for some years, which had detrimental effects on my health. I had two episodes of postnatal psychosis (very frequently associated with PMDD), one of which developed into profound depression as a result of treatment with antipsychotics, which was then treated with ECT (not nice but it worked). My DD experienced similar so she saw Prof John Studd - as a result of proper treatment she avoided the horrors I suffered and is thriving and happy. This condition is persistently wrongly diagnosed and treated, it’s a disgrace. I recommend any woman or girl who thinks she has it to read here:
www.studd.co.uk

You may not have chosen to, but you did abuse him.

SO as a result of your contraception, your brain suffered a serious reaction that changed your behaviour. The behaviour was triggered by something prescribed to you? Or is it also caused by pregnancy related hormonal inbalance?

ANyway You admit that behaviour was awefull. You sought help and got it fixed? And then went on to try to raise awareness of this condition so that other people can get help better?

On that basis , whilst what you did was abuse, you are not an abuser,

What would make you an abuser is if that way of behaving was fundamentally you , which you believed right and proper, you would deny there was anything wrong and you never got it sorted as a result. Indeeef it is very unlikely that such fundamental behaviour can be changed within a few hours.

Thank you for talking about it as I had never come across it before.

That's far more the kind of responses I would have expected. Yes, I did abuse but am not an abuser and yes, getting help was the best thing I did, but I may not have done it had it not been for DH. It's a weird disorder.

Midge the start of it seems to be an unusual side effect of the endocrine system's normal processes, nothing to do with contraception initially. The relief comes in many forms, for me depo provera, and now the implant. I won't stop that for another few years as I am terrified to stop contraception until I am certain I am very potsmenopausal. The mere thought of returning to that abolutely horrifies me.

I have tried to post a few times, whenever the subject comes up, and am ALWAYS told I am an abuser and should be ashamed of myself, or arested, or sound like a man excusing domestric violence.... the possibility of socialisation helping to keep a tighter lid on it makes no sense to some people! And others, even those who also suffered with it, believe that because they were never physical nobody ever is!

It is not even all that rare a condition - up to 40% of women suffer PMS and about 5% of those will have some form of PMDD. Reading other PPs the diagnosis can be woeful... which is one reason I persist in poting about it. To try and get some information out to women who may be suffering and have no idea what the hell is wrong with them.

born thanks for that, I could not remember his name!

I am sorry to hear how bad it was for you and your DH. Glad you managed to get help and that it has been so effective.

Like PP, I also think that there is a difference between someone exhibiting abusive behaviour and being an abuser. You can't be the latter without doing the former, but you can do the former without being the latter.

There are many different reasons why a person's behaviour may change, from brain damage and tumours to thyroid malfunctions to PMDD to stress and grief and MH issues. All of those may lead to abusive behaviours. Even someone with anger management problems is not by default an abuser.

For me the difference lies in acknowledging the abusive behaviour, taking full responsibility for those actions and undertaking the steps necessary to remedy the situation. Making amends, where that is possible.

Not everyone will see it like that, but I have some experience at being on the other side of such behaviour and that's what it has taught me.

I’m pleased you’ve started your own thread but it remains the case that you can’t go around diagnosing posters and then using your diagnosis to justify their abusive behaviour, which is what you did.

I suggest posters go find the other thread.

I feel the OP has totally misrepsented it.

In fact many people said they were glad you got help. But didnt agree it wasnt abuse. You then started swearing at people.

You also decided that the OP was probably suffering from that same, even though her situation was different. She knew she had an issue months ago and didnt pursue help. She chose to carry one being fully aware it's her issue. She also lives with other adults who dont recieve her abuse.

You have decided that she must be suffering the same condition. And said its not abuse.

You were abusive to other posters, told people to fuck off, and have minimised and excused abuse. Mental health is not an excuse for abuse.

How is someone who abuses her partner on a regular basis over a long time period not an abuser

How is someone who abuses her partner on a regular basis over a long time period not an abuser

Oh, it's ok Taco, she's allowed to be abusive because of her mental health.

You abused your partner but managed not to abuse anyone else.

Own it.

My mum had this. It ruined our lives. I have no relationship with her other than christmas and birthdays. Three of my siblings have drug and alcohol problems because of her violence and the terrifying outbursts.

She does feel an enormous amount of self pity like the OP, but I'm afraid all her dcs are too busy trying to live normal lives ti give her any sympathy.

Sorry if that's not want you want to hear. I'd say your anger and aggression in your posts mean you haven't fully recovered.

I absolutely fail to understand why "socialisation" allows you to control this hormonal problem in public but not at home. Whatever excuses you make for yourself, that suggests choices being made based on the extent to which you worried about the consequences of your actions.

@borntobequiet sorry to derail, but how did you DD get a referral to the clinic?

It's not about "self righteous posters", it's about intellectual honesty. I'm sorry but you are playing the victim here, much like men do in DM situations. cos I'm not hating on you.

Oh, it's ok Taco, she's allowed to be abusive because of her mental health.

Unhelpful - What also doesn't work is telling people with depressive illnesses to snap out of it and pull themselves together.

Gah FG domestic violence

I'll get ma coat

I find it incredibly weird that people can dissociate from the abuse they are perpetrating to both acknowledge that it is happening but deny they are an abuser.

Like I said on the other thread. Of course people with such health conditions need help and support but that shouldn't come at the cost of their partners being expected to remain in an abusive relationship. What about their health and welfare?

OP, I suffer from anxiety and in the past that has made me do things that were cruel and somewhat abusive to my partner (no 5/6 day fits of rage, just a lack of affection and intimacy). I know that it was my mental health that was affecting my behaviour but I did still do these things to that person and not to others. I wouldn't have blamed my partner for walking away and I suspect he would have if I hadn't both sought help for my condition and also taken responsibility for the impact it has had on our relationship. I know it is tough to face these things but it is necessary for a true recovery.

And there they are.

I posted angrily because when I tried to explain I got piled upon, much like you are all doing here. The poster I told to fuck off told me I was an abuser who had got away with it. What response did you expect? And the post was deleted the, so I wasn't the only one to think it was uncalled for.

I reiterated that I was not defending the OP on that thread but trying to explain some often misunderstood aspects of PMDD, which someone else had brought up.

Nice that you all followed me here to repeat your blinkered views. It illustrates very clearly the problems PMDD sufferers meet on a daily basis.