Go on then - PMDD

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

What do you think it is?

Yet again on this forum I am finding myself defending myself and my past actions from self righteous posters who won't even begin to listen, to try to understand.

Apparently the fact that overnight, back when I was in my mid 20s, my whole character changed and I went from being an outgoing, sociable woman to an angry, wailing banshee that had a very hard time not hitting out, and occasionally failed miserably, means I am an abuser and it was a choice I made!

That my DH (bf as he was then) was so worried at the sudden change in me that he spent 2 years trying to talk me into seeing my GP.. and then another.. and then another... to see what the hell was wrong with me (he feared a brain tumour). He, and I, were told by everyone that I was 'just hormonal' or ot was 'that time of the month'. I was not. I was in the grip of a fucking awful dysphoria that I could not control, could not see out of, could not undertsand.

So... I tell you honestly... during the day at work and in the few social situations I coud be persuaded to go to I could just about hold it together. Being in public meant I acted according to social rules and mores. But at home, when I relaxed and shed that public face I could easily get lost in a haze of fury with very little notice and no control. Anything could trigger it, anything!

Then there would be a period of utter calm, I would be my usual slf, my period would start and then, for a week or so, all would be well.

The thord GP we saw spent a lot of time explaining what my endocrine system seemed to be doing to me... we discussed a range of interventions and started with changing my contraception. 48 hours later I felt the difference, physically and mentally. A week later and it was ALL GONE and has never returned.

So... did I make a choice to abuse my partner or did I have a physical disorder that changed me, ;leaving me with very little control, i f any at times?

I want to point out that this was just MY CASE as many women have very different symptoms including suicide ideation.

Please do share if this rings a bell with you... it is a shit condition to expreince and only made worse by posters telling me that I "got away with it" and am an abuser and should own it!

There are lots of reasons why people are abusive. Many of them are medical. Many of them are heartbreaking. But that doesn't stop them being abusers.

5 or 6 day rage????

If only. I had 5 or 6 days a month when I didn't rage... That's how bad it can be.

And I have not suggested I did not abuse my DH, I did, I said I did. Thats party if the problem here, some if you are simply not reading what I have said and are filtering my posts...

OP what exactly is your point though? No-one is denying either the reality of PMDD or the impact it can have on your behaviour. However, why is that any different to any other condition that can affect behaviour? You seem to be engaged in special pleading without justifying why.

People are reading your posts OP.

Tell me, does it matter to the victims of abuse why the perpetrator does it? I would think that the effects of suffering from domestic abuse are the same as far as the victim is concerned regardless of whether the perpetrator has PMDD, mental health or psychiatric disorders, alcoholism or other addictions etc.

It was deleted because YOU complained it was a personal attack to MNHQ and they deleted it.

No one complained to MNHQ about some of your postings. Your voice was heard but no one agreed with your total dismissal of your own behaviour, not your acceptance, repeated here, that though you admit abusing your partner, you are not an abuser.

By your token, someone could say "yes, I raped her, but I'm not a rapist" and they'd be told to fuck right off.

People have sympathy for the condition but if you admit your behaviour, you can't be shocked when people call it precisely what it is. You can't be shocked they take you to task for saying you couldn't control it at home when you could control it elsewhere.

We have to accept that if a man saying "I managed not to lose my temper with my boss or colleagues at work but couldn't help but abuse my wife at home" is an abuser, the same goes for a woman.

There may be an underlying medical issue, of course, in your case and in those of others. That may be a REASON but it is never an EXCUSE or justification.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

If only. I had 5 or 6 days a month when I didn't rage... That's how bad it can be.

I've had to cope with General Anxiety Disorder for over 20 years without a single day where it doesn't affect me. This is something I have to manage, it is not a hall pass for crap behaviour.

Well you've sought help and got help, which is more than a lot of women do, so hopefully you can make peace with those that you hurt.

I reiterated that I was not defending the OP on that thread but trying to explain some often misunderstood aspects of PMDD

Yes, and you were rightfully called out as an apologist. Like the other poster said, being an apologist is part of the problem. She was raped by her dh, who said it was because of his own mental health - do you side with him too? That he could stop himself raping strangers, but it was ok because it was his wife? Are you now going to say that they are two completely different things? Your logic is flawed. That is the whole point of the other thread, that she (and you) are able to contain it with "outsiders", but unleash hell to your loved ones at home. It's not ok. Offering excuses for why people abuse is not ok. Seeking help is right - but for people who have been abused, it's sickening to hear apologists stand up for them saying "they can't help it".

Pardon? That's the point. Other pps said they hadn't heard of it... I didn't think it would be out if place to discuss why so many women refuse point blank to engage in a conversation about it and choose, instead, to simply judge, condemn and berate.

You also told other people to "fuck off" on that thread. But that's OK, apparently. You kept on about PMDD even though there was no suggestion the OP (who had had an identical posting two months previously) suffers from this (indeed, there is evidence she also financially abuses her partner).

OK. That's a loud and clear message. No discussion...

@CuriousaboutSamphire

You aren't having a discussion though. You aren't addressing any of the points raised by those who disagree with you.

Discussion is fine. But you can't discuss. You just post angrily. It's your view or nothing. That's not a discussion.

Do you not wonder why others are responding to you in this way TWICE?

@Thisismyhappyface
I have PMd you

Honestly you aren't over it.

I know i shouldnt project but one of the worst things about my mums illness was her refusal to accept she was ever in the wrong. It was always everyone elses fault.

That's a loud and clear message. No discussion...

No, clearly. You aren't discussing anything. You are telling us about a situation and then getting angry when posters do anything other than provide the verbal equivalent of the sympathetic head tilt.

And on the other thread you came out with this:

BUT I am frankly disgusted that every time PMDD comes up so many posters, male and female, leap to the same demonisation

That thread, started by a different OP, wasn't about PMDD. And the only person who brought it into the conversation, was you.

@Redannie118 100% spot on.

I find this subject very difficult to contemplate. While I do not have PMDD, I did develop PND almost instantaneously after having my daughter, and I have experienced a complete change in personality due to drop in hormones etc (also helped along by lack of help - I think also possible PND in my husband who avoided me and baby completely). It is terrifying and felt completely out of my control. (I did not abuse or shout, I just cried all the time and had extremely intrusive suicidal thoughts, and did not speak to anyone). I did not realise that I had PND whilst it was happening, I thought that this was it, it was me, and I had always been like this and it was my fault that I was now constantly weeping and wishing I was dead. Except it wasn't. I think of my behaviour now and I cannot see how it was logical, I was so paranoid, depressed and anxious. So I can understand how some people do things that are terrible without realising the reason they are doing it.

I don't think I'm articulating it very well.

I do however think that if your symptoms are abuse-like, that you should apologise to whomever you abuse, and if they stick around I hope that they help you get the help you need.

@CuriousaboutSamphire you've conveniently not addressed what posters are asking you, are you saying the rape of the other poster was ok because her dh had mental health issues and couldn't control himself with her (but could with strangers). As I said - She was raped by her dh, who said it was because of his own mental health - do you side with him too? That he could stop himself raping strangers, but it was ok because it was his wife? Are you now going to say that they are two completely different things? Your logic is flawed.

Are you going to respond to that at all? Or, is it ok only in some (ie YOUR and the other op's) circumstances to be abused?

@CuriousaboutSamphire will never respond to the well thought posts as she refuses to take any responsibility for her behaviour. There are many reasons that men abuse, many do have mental conditions but it never is an excuse for their behaviour same as your PMDD. Mental health is no reason to abuse anyone, ever.

You admitted to physically and emotionally abusing your husband and not once did you take any responsibility it was your partner who had to step up to get help for you. If your husband behaved the way you did towards you because of a condition he had, I imagine many would tell you to LTB and you would refuse to accept his condition as a justification for the treatment towards you.

You were an abuser, I don't know if you still are but you certainly were. Your anger here also suggests you still have issues as you refuse to take on board anything anyone else has to say and shut them down with aggressive behaviour.

If you're able to control yourself around others but not your significant other it's because you know you won't face consequences and it shows you certainly can control your behaviour.

The abuse of men is so often minimised, especially on here, women who abuse and cheat there's always those who will support them and try and validate their shameful behaviour. It's one of the worst things about MN, the obvious double standards of so many women. Fortunately there are many also on here who do call this shit out and to them I am always grateful as this should be challenged.

I have been working, excuse me for not being on my screen all day.

Shatners the poster I told to fuck off has told me I was an abuser who had got away with it. What would you expect me to say?

Hopo PMDD is not GAD...

I have specifically not answered posts about other MH conditions as they are not PMDD and I have not suffered from them. I won't compare any different MH conditions, or other illnesses as they are not alike! It seems odd to want to say that becasue, say, depression causes a, b and c then PMDD can't cause symtpoms x, y and z.

Frankly to suggest that because I am trying to explain PMDD means I might be excusing rape is a disgusting flight of fantasy.

And I did not bring up PMDD in that other thread...

RedAnnie what you read as me haveing a whimper fest is just me trying to articulate what it can feel like within PMDD. Many women haven't heard of it and would have no idea what the hell was happening to them if they started toi suffer from it. The point of trying, yet again, to explain it was to try to get some proper information 'out there' You say you couldnt control yourself at the time- but you can now, that fact that you wont apologise as it " wasnt your fault" Where did I say I won't/ didn't apologise to him? You made that up!

forever It was 30+ years ago... we got married afterwards. Had you fully read my OP you would have seen that he was worried I had a brain tumour and was going to die. So he was as relieved as I was when we learned it could be a transient condition. And don't you think that once I was better I was extremely apologetic to the man I love? The anger was/is not an inherent character trait in me, quite the opposite. Which is I did also say that the thought of having no depo filled me with dread and that thankfully the implant has not allowed the symptoms to reappear.

Fibbke you are probably right, I am not over it. The thought of coming off my current contraception in a couple of years hangs over me. DH and I have talked it through, when I changed to the implant. We have a contingency plan. But again, the idea that I have not apologised is something that came from other posters, not me!

Regardlesss of the continued refusal of some posters to stop and consider PMDD as IT is rather than comparing it to other MH issues and asserting it cannot be what it can be I hope that some people might read it and get a light bulbe moment.. and are then able to seek what is often very simple treatment!

I have specifically not answered posts about other MH conditions as they are not PMDD and I have not suffered from them. I won't compare any different MH conditions, or other illnesses as they are not alike! It seems odd to want to say that becasue, say, depression causes a, b and c then PMDD can't cause symtpoms x, y and z*

So only PMDD is an excuse for abuse?

Other mental health/physical health problems couldnt possibly cause it. Quite convenient for you.

a person who treats another person or animal with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.

This is the dictionary definition. There is no caveat for illnesses. And abuser is someone who abuses. You abused your partner. While your condition may have been taken into account at sentencing, it wouldnt have impacted wether you were charged or not. You have admitted you abused your, now, dh.

If your condition can make it not abuse, then other conditions can also make it not abuse. So yes, you are saying health conditions negates the abuse.

But again, the idea that I have not apologised is something that came from other posters, not me!

That came from you saying, that if your do had asked you to apologise you would have ripped his head off.