Go on then - PMDD

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

What do you think it is?

Yet again on this forum I am finding myself defending myself and my past actions from self righteous posters who won't even begin to listen, to try to understand.

Apparently the fact that overnight, back when I was in my mid 20s, my whole character changed and I went from being an outgoing, sociable woman to an angry, wailing banshee that had a very hard time not hitting out, and occasionally failed miserably, means I am an abuser and it was a choice I made!

That my DH (bf as he was then) was so worried at the sudden change in me that he spent 2 years trying to talk me into seeing my GP.. and then another.. and then another... to see what the hell was wrong with me (he feared a brain tumour). He, and I, were told by everyone that I was 'just hormonal' or ot was 'that time of the month'. I was not. I was in the grip of a fucking awful dysphoria that I could not control, could not see out of, could not undertsand.

So... I tell you honestly... during the day at work and in the few social situations I coud be persuaded to go to I could just about hold it together. Being in public meant I acted according to social rules and mores. But at home, when I relaxed and shed that public face I could easily get lost in a haze of fury with very little notice and no control. Anything could trigger it, anything!

Then there would be a period of utter calm, I would be my usual slf, my period would start and then, for a week or so, all would be well.

The thord GP we saw spent a lot of time explaining what my endocrine system seemed to be doing to me... we discussed a range of interventions and started with changing my contraception. 48 hours later I felt the difference, physically and mentally. A week later and it was ALL GONE and has never returned.

So... did I make a choice to abuse my partner or did I have a physical disorder that changed me, ;leaving me with very little control, i f any at times?

I want to point out that this was just MY CASE as many women have very different symptoms including suicide ideation.

Please do share if this rings a bell with you... it is a shit condition to expreince and only made worse by posters telling me that I "got away with it" and am an abuser and should own it!

OP I think I have this and I think I have had it since puberty and I’m heading for middle age. Please tell
Me what on earth it’s called and what I can do if anything about it?

And I'm sorry, but despite what you say, you CHOSE to control yourself so that you didn't abuse your boss, your colleagues, your friends in social situations but chose not to control yourself at home.

sigh It's called "running out of spoons" or "cutting to the side of the waste".

Quoting the linked article: If I’ve had to use a lot of energy to ward off paranoia, anxiety or obsessive thoughts on a particular day, I push all that away while I’m in the office and then allow it to explode all over me later on when I’m home, so it’s gone in time for the next shift. The effort often leaves me worn out, but I also deal with that when I get home.

I've lost count of the number of times I've self-harmed at home after work, having (usually, there are sometimes sharp words to colleagues and on one occasion a workplace suicide attempt that left an electrical burn scar that I still have) held it together at work all day. After spending all day putting huge amounts of effort into not getting fired, I would have nothing left to be kind to myself or others with when I got home. Then finally my GP and I tried citalopram and I've been free of self-harm ever since. The right meds can be life-changing.

Mental illness makes abuse understandable but never acceptable, and I include self-harm as being abuse of the self. It's legitimate to model abuse as the abuser's choice and also as a public health problem with causal links to poverty and mental illness. (See also: wave-particle duality model in quantum physics.)

This makes me think of the dog threads, when a dog has bitten someone, and the dog lovers ALWAYS chime in with 'it was probably in pain', 'there may be an undiagnosed medical condition' etc.

Ie that the dog did bite, but in a context not of its own choosing, and not realising what was wrong with it.

It's a shame that it's not as easy to be compassionate about a human being experiencing endocrinal/hormonal shifts that they can't control and don't understand.

The behaviour - either a dog biting or a human verbally abusing someone else - makes sense to the perpetrator at the time, but isn't characteristic of their usual behaviour.

I think the poster who said that your behaviour was abusive but, because it was driven by factors outside of your control that you did something about once you had enough insight to, you're not an abuser is about right.

Horrible, horrible for you and your family to live through and live with now, of course.

OP you're actually freaking me out slightly. You are sounding like a defensive abuser in denial. Some of them really, really think they have good reasons too.

I think the poster who said that your behaviour was abusive but, because it was driven by factors outside of your control that you did something about once you had enough insight to, you're not an abuser is about right.

Despite the dictionary definition contradicting that?

It's amazing how people are reluctant to some one who committed abuse, and abuser because it's the op and a woman.

And yet, sat saying that it doesnt apply to other abusers?

Either physical and mental health is a get out clause when it comes abuse or its not

You are sounding like a defensive abuser in denial. Some of them really, really think they have good reasons too.

Either physical and mental health is a get out clause when it comes abuse or its not

If someone is ill and using that illness as an excuse to abuse, then they are not:

• owning their behaviour as unacceptable
• trying to change their behaviour
• engaging with their doctor to resolve the underlying illness because doing those things would take away their excuse to abuse. Someone who does those things and stops abusing because of doing those things is not using illness as a "get out clause".

The OP did all these things, admittedly the last with some nudging from her OH. The thing with mental illness is that by definition it affects your brain, the organ you think with, preventing you from thinking properly about how to solve the problem. It often takes someone else to give a nudge. When I was 15, overdosing on painkillers seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Even now, my relatively well-controlled depression can flare up and my colleagues spot it long before I do. Luckily, I can be open about my mental illness at work and my team tell me when they spot the signs.

The thing with mental illness is that by definition it affects your brain, the organ you think with, preventing you from thinking properly about how to solve the problem. It often takes someone else to give a nudge.

Which is why we need one person in ten to be trained as a mental health first aider.

Physical or mental health aren't a 'get out clause' when it comes to abusive behaviour.

They can be a reason though. Consider how dementia affects some people, or brain tumours or acute pain.

I'd like to remind people that leaving an abuser is not to punish the abuser but to stay safe. You rehome a cat if it attacks your other cats all the time, that doesn't mean you're blaming the cat.

OP I understand the PMDD, I can suffer terribly the day or two before my period starts. I have bipolar and when mentally not right it always goes out of control then, think suicidal and self harm thoughts and rage attacks.

It is scary how it takes over, and is generally not taken seriously by Drs.

I'm very glad that you got help, perhaps antidepressants will help if you can no longer take hormones. When I am mentally well I go through the premenstrual period with the average sore boobs and nothing else.

I have PMDD and so did my mother who says the menopause is the best thing that ever happened to her.

Almost every bad event in my life since starting periods, is related to having PMDD. Before i got treatment, I would end relationships, quit jobs, fall out with friends and family, it was awful.

For me PMDD was basically a total inability to control myself under such extreme emotions. I didnt get angry, I got utterly enraged, I didnt get sad, I got suicidal. It felt like the normal me was trapped inside this horrible person I didnt recognise. The smallest thing could have me going into a total meltdown and in my head I would know I was totally overreacting but was completely unable to get a handle on myself.

Those two weeks before my period were hell. Then i would start my period and just like that, i would be normal me again. Except I then had to deal with the fallout of whatever I had done during PMDD weeks. I would hate myself for my behaviour and then I woukd ovulate and PMDD would start all over again. Honestly thought I was mad and I think a fair amount of people thought I was too.

It was my GP that suggested PMDD and changed my contraception to the mini pill as dual hormone contraception exacerbates my PMDD. The change helped but so did going on antidepressants. Being able to tell people about PMDD was great too.

Now i get normal PMT and will be on anti depressants until after the menopause. OP you may have behaved in abusive ways, however unless someone has experienced PMDD, they cannot understand the sheer force of emotions during the run up to getting your period and how difficult it is to gain self control. It is horrendous.