Banned from women-only FB group

[maet]

A trans woman edited by MNHQ because OP is using second language posted in a women's only FB group wanting free emotional labour and "validation" from untrained women to help them with getting over their abusive ex boyfriend.

I stated it wasn't appropriate to ask untrained women to take on their emotional labour, especially considering what had happened to them was so traumatic (according to them they ended up in hospital), and especially not for free and suggested they seek professional help instead.

Cue trans woman and women stating I was being transphobic, and "wouldn't understand the fear a marginalised group would go through."

I was told I hadn't been through a traumatic experience before so couldn't possibly understand what the OP was going through.

I've been banned from a group specifically designed for women. Nowhere in the post did I mention anything about the OP being trans.

I am so sick of this shit. The world has gone mad.

But surely the point is that it is entirely up to the people who set up the group to decide who can and cannot post on the group and what they can and cannot post about (in line with community rules set by Facebook I assume).

I've been a member of some groups to do with issues that I am interested in and then I notice more and more posts that are either irrelevant or that annoy me but they are clearly tolerated by other members and the mods so I either unfollow them or mute them and only dip in when I want to ask a question. I wouldn't be trying to police what people posted or who posted on there because it wouldn't be my place to do so.

Op, clearly the mods on that group have a different idea of how it should be run than you do. Why not set up your own group and run it how you would like a women in tech group to be run? Maybe there is a call for such a group.

See you later OP

Of course I know what AGP is, I’m not denying it exists.

To imply that someone is AGP and getting a kick out of it when the only fact you have is a transwoman is posting for help about domestic abuse on a Facebook group is revolting.

Wise move OP. This thread will now run on and on in a remarkably familiar pattern.

It literally happens on Mumsnet. Usually in AIBU

I know!! Funny how after providing proof they just turn abusive isnt it.

I feel this thread is taking on another different turn, one that I don't know too much about. So I'll leave for now, but thanks for all of the different perspectives. I vented and, yes it's unfair but these things are happening to women. I'll move on and still do my feminist activism, but probably away from social media.

I'm afraid you strayed into some intra-forum dynamics, OP. Not your fault. I believe your instincts were right and you were banned unfairly.

FFS. There was a professional discussion group for women, in German. An English speaking male joined the group, not to talk about tech but to talk about intimate details of their personal life and OP is the one in the wrong? I despair.

Also I believe AGP applies to straight males, the transwoman in question had a boyfriend - are you sure that you know much about AGP datun?

But surely the point is that it is entirely up to the people who set up the group to decide who can and cannot post on the group and what they can and cannot post about

Nobody disagreed with this. Members alert admins to inappropriate posts all the time, or remind people of the group’s focus. I had s group of close to 60,000 and I thanked members who spotted posts like that.

The OP is here to vent and discuss the unfairness. Please stop repeating yourself and derailing.

What was that long running saga about those women 'nerds', who were constantly targeted by transactivists.

It went on and on. Because they had vaginas in the title. And it was deemed transphobic.

I remember that. We probably had a thread about it.

Also I believe AGP applies to straight males, the transwoman in question had a boyfriend - are you sure that you know much about AGP datun?

She clearly knows more about it than you. Read Blanchard and Bailey.

It’s funny the very posters questioning the authenticity of the female OP here, are totally prepared to take everything this unknown male says at face value.

Interesting isn’t it? Spot the difference.

Tech is a complete sausage fest and there's no shortage of MtFs in IT. A group specifically for women in tech startups is not an appropriate place for a man who identifies as a woman to seek emotional support.

Your FB group will probably collapse as so many women's groups have, OP. The inclusion of males, however they may identify, changes the dynamic. Especially if they become histrionic and demand attention for issues unconnected to the group's purpose.

FFS. There was a professional discussion group for women, in German. An English speaking male joined the group, not to talk about tech but to talk about intimate details of their personal life and OP is the one in the wrong? I despair.

But the mods might consider trans women to be women, as a lot of people do. For all the op knows the mod might have been a trans woman or have a close relationship to a trans woman and so their views about it are different to the ops.

Secondly, how do you know that the trans woman wasn't posting in German? And tbh, the Op is a German, non native English speaker posting in English on an English site so how is the OP any different to an American posting on a German site?

I don't think this is about AGP and the OP didn't say it was. It's about validation and narcissism.

I was in an abusive relationship. I knew exactly where it was and wasn't appropriate to discuss my private life.

It’s funny the very posters questioning the authenticity of the female OP here, are totally prepared to take everything this unknown male says at face value

Indeed.

Another pattern we arent allowed to see or comment on.

Damn you educated articulate knowledgable women. Why on earth would mras hate you so much

FFS. There was a professional discussion group for women, in German. An English speaking male joined the group, not to talk about tech but to talk about intimate details of their personal life and OP is the one in the wrong? I despair.

Much more important to parse, in endless detail, every word typed by the OP in her second language.

So feminist.

I was in an abusive relationship. I knew exactly where it was and wasn't appropriate to discuss my private life.

Exactly. Me too.

I certainly wouldn’t detail specific acts in a post like that so others could read without warning. For gods sake people don’t even do that here on threads specifically about abuse.

Decomposing OP said this person wasn't posting in German earlier on in the thread.

I think you have explained yourself very clearly OP, and need to not further justify your existence.

I do wonder why a male struggling with abuse, chooses a female tech startup company FB page to post graphic inappropriate to subject commentary asking for help.

Who does that?

There are organisations everywhere you turn offering support for trans people (at the cost of women's support services).

Does it not strike those of you repeatedly attacking the OP how odd this is?

Why not answer the issue instead of making it all about the OP.

If I was struggling with bereavement in the extreme, would I choose the technical stuff section of MN, or the pet section, or perhaps something actually appropriate.

Would I blart out graphic details that could be very upsetting to other readers? Of a gruesome death is witnessed or somesuch?

All these things are very easy to see! Not difficult at all to grasp.

What I'm struggling with is why some are having such difficulty grasping this.

I would phone cruse perhaps, or mind, any kind of professional grief service. Or be expecting someone to recommend somesuch, for actual help.

It's a badly managed group that reacts in that way.

Any respectable gathering has to assert healthy boundaries for all concerned. Which includes being responsible in directing anyone suffering that wandered in inappropriately to proper sources of support.

A tech start up collaborative is not the place to go clearly!

It's a very odd, either deliberate choice, or a desperate 'anyone-will-do' reaching out, either way it doesn't belong in that forum.

OP really should have stated the technical nature of the forum, as it does differentiate it from all other emotional forms of supportive groups! But it happened in the night and she was reactive to her treatment, understandably so.

@LangCleg not even my second language 😅 that's why I'm struggling so much! I didn't know "get off" meant to receive sexual pleasure - a Prince song now makes much more sense to me!

But the mods might consider trans women to be women, as a lot of people do.

No they don’t. The majority of people don’t think this.

Well said TruthOnTrial. Exactly! The inappropriate behaviour is obvious from space.