Page 7 | Banned from women-only FB group

Rosemary46 · 14/07/2019 11:44

Dont share them, someone could use them to dox you.

I’m suspicious of the motives of anyone who says you need to “prove it”. No one else on MN is asked to do this.

“ my husband is cheating on me/ I got fired from my job/ my teen failed his exams “
“ I don’t believe you, post proof “.

Doesn’t happen.

LassOfFyvie · 14/07/2019 11:45

yes, my response was
"Most members won't be able to provide appropriate help for you, as we are in tech and not medically trained. However there are many English speaking therapists in Berlin, and I hope you'll find the help you need!"

That seems a reasonable response. The only quibble might be your assumption you speak for the majority of the group rather than letting them speak for themselves.

FormerMediocreMale · 14/07/2019 11:46

Agree with ovahere don't PM either as thoseclijely to request the screenshots are most likely the people you don't want to be giving to. Post an image of if you feel there is no way of the information being used to dox you or others. It is not necessary to post an image at all though.

DecomposingComposers · 14/07/2019 11:47

Context is important.

Yes it is. And the OP has been asked several times what it was that they said.

From their initial post it seemed that their response was very harsh, saying that the person was wrong to expect women to do their emotional labour for them and provide free support in a group that was for women in tech.

Now they appear to be saying that they were tactful and supportive.

I find it difficult to behave that a tactful and supportive answer would get you banned from a group.

The OP, and others here, obviously have an issue with a trans woman being allowed to join a group for women but this was a private group set up by an individual who is free to set their own rules. Maybe they had different ideas about who they allowed to join, and that is their right surely? Clearly the op and others here would have different views were they to set up their own group which is of course their right.

We have a local Facebook group for residents to post about things of interest to our community. A while back a poster kept posting cat jokes and then other members started doing the same as a sort of competition. No, they weren't relevant to the group but they were all funny, not offensive in any way etc and many people enjoyed them. The mods, for whatever reason decided they didn't want any jokes posted in the group and so banned the people who had been posting them. Many of us thought it was bonkers and couldn't see any reason for doing this but, at the end of the day, the mods were free to set their own rules about their group.

That's how Facebook groups work isn't it? The person who sets it up is the one who sets the rules. I think the OP was wrong to try to police what was posted or who posted it. As with MN, if you don't like what's posted you report it to the mods.

The OP says that the post was graphic and possibly triggering - why not report it to the mods on that basis?

LangCleg · 14/07/2019 11:49

I wouldn't start posting screenshots OP. There's no need and some people like to use these threads for twitter fodder or worse as a means of doxing women.

Very important. Don't do it, OP.

Earlywalker · 14/07/2019 11:49

No one has asked her to prove it How would anyone ‘doxx’ By a screenshot or even a C+P showing what she said?

I just think it’s interesting that the OP is obviously gender critical and doesn’t approve of this persons ‘female status’ yet she was booted off for being ‘transphobic’ but apparently only posted once and didn’t once mention within that that the person was trans and told them there are English speaking therapists in Berlin and to seek help there?

Doesnt ring true in many ways, but if you are being honest OP then no, of course what you said was not ‘transphobic’

JessicaWakefieldSV · 14/07/2019 11:50

Maybe your views weren't in line with the people who set up the group and so they didn't want someone with your views in the group,which is their right really.

Nobody here has denied it’s their right, but it is seen as unfair, mostly because why start a women’s group and then expect their members to be ok with a male being there and talking about totally irrelevant, and graphic, things. If they haven’t stipulated ‘you have to believe males can be females’ in their group guidelines, it’s total bullshit to kick a woman out for not accommodating a male.

It’s just unbelievable that on this thread in a feminist board, there are women still defending a decision to kick a woman out of a women’s group because an entitled creepy male joined in to reveal intimate graphic details of abuse, in a tech support group.

Original poster

maet · 14/07/2019 11:50

@DecomposingComposers never once suggested I was harsh in my post. I'm German, we are more direct. The poster was American, I find Americans direct also. If you go against the grain, you're transphobic. Lesson learnt, maybe women should just shut up in future?

OP posts:

JessicaWakefieldSV · 14/07/2019 11:51

Doesnt ring true in many ways, but if you are being honest a thread on the feminist boards is never complete without Early, Decomposers or someone else, questioning the authenticity of a woman’s account of her situation.

chilling19 · 14/07/2019 11:51

Interesting. This happened in a FB page I follow, which discusses issues relating to women in my professional field. The post was from a woman and it was a graphic description of her childhood trauma. Not expecting this, I was half way through it before I realised what is was about. It triggered my own trauma and I PMd the admins of the page. They removed the post and PMd the poster with appropriate sources of help, and put up a post explaining to the group what had happened.

So OP, in your case the situation was handled badly by the admins and that the poster was a TW is irrelevant.

Having said this, I understand your annoyance, which is related to the poster being a TW because being pushed out of our own spaces is becoming an exhausting pattern. And, hand on heart, if the poster had been a TW in my case, I am not sure it would have had the same outcome, based on subsequent events.

OP - I hope you can find another group, or can set one up yourself.

SarahTancredi · 14/07/2019 11:52

Are you really suggesting that someone Male not even from germany with no intention to talk about the topic the group is set up to talk about could possibly not have a selfish/sinister/ self validating intention?

Dont pretend you dont see it and make op out yo he the bad guy here

PCohle · 14/07/2019 11:52

From their initial post it seemed that their response was very harsh, saying that the person was wrong to expect women to do their emotional labour for them and provide free support in a group that was for women in tech.

Now they appear to be saying that they were tactful and supportive.

I agree. The OP's quote and her initial description of the event in her first post are really quite different.

Datun · 14/07/2019 11:53

I've seen loads of women complain about this exact same thing.

It's not unusual, at all. There is zero doubt that calling people transphobic sets up a chain reaction out of all proportion to the issue at hand.

There are examples of it on these boards numerous times a day. People frightened to speak, being kicked out of places, it's everywhere.

If someone decides you're being transphobic, perspective flies out the window.

We all know women are called transphobic for talking, thinking, opining, gathering. The lot.

It almost doesn't matter what the OP said, being accused of transphobia would've been enough.

Original poster

maet · 14/07/2019 11:54

@PCohle then I apologise if I somehow made out my post was more aggressive than it was. I wrote the post at almost 4am. It's not my native language and I had just found out I was banned from a group I'd found to be helpful and called transphobic despite my response not being transphobic in the slightest.

OP posts:

JessicaWakefieldSV · 14/07/2019 11:54

From their initial post it seemed that their response was very harsh, saying that the person was wrong to expect women to do their emotional labour for them and provide free support in a group that was for women in tech.

No it wasn’t harsh, posting graphic details of abuse in a women’s tech group is completely out of order.

Has everyone missed that this male posted graphic details of abuse in a women’s group?? Do you not see the problem, or the pattern?

Earlywalker · 14/07/2019 11:55

When you say:

I stated it wasn't appropriate to ask untrained women to take on their emotional labour, especially considering what had happened to them was so traumatic (according to them they ended up in hospital), and especially not for free and suggested they seek professional help

And then say that you’re comment, word for word was this:

"Most members won't be able to provide appropriate help for you, as we are in tech and not medically trained. However there are many English speaking therapists in Berlin, and I hope you'll find the help you need!"

Then something doesn’t add up. But let’s all just pretend otherwise to further agendas and all, move along folks... don’t engage the brains please!

ALittleBitofVitriol · 14/07/2019 11:56

maet

LassOfFyvie none of those were my responses.

It's alright they were my responses and I'm pretty immune to the accusations of being mean.

I thought it was mean and goady to derail a vent about being punished for not providing emotional labour by asking the op to provide more labour.
It's not exactly rocket science, 'emotional' and 'labour' together and in the context of the op, makes sense. Maet was very clear in her first post and responses on the first page.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/07/2019 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DecomposingComposers · 14/07/2019 11:56

This is what you say in your OP

I stated it wasn't appropriate to ask untrained women to take on their emotional labour, especially considering what had happened to them was so traumatic (according to them they ended up in hospital), and especially not for free and suggested they seek professional help instead.

You specifically say that you told them it wasn't appropriate to ask untrained women to take on their emotional labour which is completely different to what you are now saying you said

Most members won't be able to provide appropriate help for you, as we are in tech and not medically trained. However there are many English speaking therapists in Berlin, and I hope you'll find the help you need!"

I don't understand why you posted what you posted in your OP if you didn't say that?

It makes sense that you got removed from the group if you posted what you said in your OP. It makes no sense if you posted your latest response.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 14/07/2019 11:56

Are you really suggesting that someone Male not even from germany with no intention to talk about the topic the group is set up to talk about could possibly not have a selfish/sinister/ self validating intention?

^ this.

Ask yourselves why a male who likes to present themselves as a woman, posted in a womens tech group detailed graphic recounts of abuse.

DecomposingComposers · 14/07/2019 11:57

Sorry, cross posted with Earlywalker

Original poster

maet · 14/07/2019 11:57

When you say:

I stated it wasn't appropriate to ask untrained women to take on their emotional labour, especially considering what had happened to them was so traumatic (according to them they ended up in hospital), and especially not for free and suggested they seek professional help

And then say that you’re comment, word for word was this:

"Most members won't be able to provide appropriate help for you, as we are in tech and not medically trained. However there are many English speaking therapists in Berlin, and I hope you'll find the help you need!"

Then something doesn’t add up. But let’s all just pretend otherwise to further agendas and all, move along folks... don’t engage the brains please!

Well... in both my original post and my post on FB I mention it's not appropriate, that we are not medically trained and that I hoped they found appropriate professional care.

So it does add up.

I can't post their original post in which they detail traumatic and graphic abuse. Or where they ask for untrained help from strangers instead of seeking a professional.

OP posts:

SarahTancredi · 14/07/2019 11:58

Has everyone missed that this male posted graphic details of abuse in a women’s group?? Do you not see the problem, or the pattern?

Course they see it. They are gaslighting women here and do not expect anyone to be smart enough to notice.

Tough crap. We do. Hence why they are trying to discredit the op and tell us to be nice.

Original poster

maet · 14/07/2019 11:59

However, lesson learnt:

Women aren't to be believed. I should not have boundaries and I should always censor men.

Got it!

OP posts:

JessicaWakefieldSV · 14/07/2019 11:59

I don't understand why you posted what you posted in your OP if you didn't say that?

Because maybe she didn’t think people here would dissect every fucking word for any signs of a lie or a way to attack the OP?? So she’s clarified exactly what was said rather than the general gist of it, to appease the derailers and TRA’s on this thread.

We don’t need the exact wording OP. Most of us get it. The rest are centring the needs of males.