I'm being petty but this is still annoying

[LeslieKnope2020]

My husband and I are currently applying for a mortgage using a broker as first time buyers. It's going well, the full application has just gone in and we're very excited. But I'm having a bit of a bad day and this petty little thing just irrationally annoyed me.

My husband has been working away for three months so every single thing has been done by me. Every single email, phonecall and form to complete for the broker has been done by me and I have paid every fee. They have never ever had any contact with my husband.

This morning, I get an email from the solicitors that the broker recommended. The form has been partially filled in by them and who do you think got listed as top billing on the form? My husband. He is 'buyer 1' who's details have all been completed (address, post code, number, email address, DoB, occupation) using the brokers information and I'm 'buyer 2' with literally just my name on the form.

I know, it's petty. I'll hold my hands up and say yes, this is bottom of the barrel stuff. I know, I was in the Army for 6 years having to prove myself everyday simply because I own a vagina. I know there are bigger things to get annoyed about but what really grinds my gears is this tiny everyday sexism that people just either don't notice or brush off.

I have done 100% of this process so I certainly feel like I derserve to have my name as buyer one and to have all of my details on the form so when I first saw it, it was like a hand had reached out and given me a quick slap in the face. Fair enough if the broker didn't tell them they had only been dealing with me and it was just a coincidence my husband is named first with a completed details section. But to only write my name under buyer two and not even bothering to include my details as well?! I know they have my details, the broker sent them over with my husband's! Anyway, will I be wrong to continue my pettiness and scribble out my husband's name and put mine instead?

Yep, that would piss me off immensely.

Be careful you don't jeapordise your chances of the mortgage, though! Maybe after it's been accepted you could write to complain?

• wait, this is from a solicitors you're employing, not the lender?

Then I'd complain right now.

Wow! That's a strong post! Thank you for sharing! I don't think I would be able to put it down in words as you did. It is a textbook example of sexism. I would complain about it (once the mortgage is approved). In fact I would give it more visibility by sharing publicly rather then just sending them a short feedback form.

This isn't petty. But I wouldn't try to change the form for something this serious, I'd complain after its all done and dusted.

It's not petty. I complained to our mortgage provider about this and they gave us some small financial compensation as an apology. They took it seriously and apologised profusely (they are looking into changing their system). Some mortgage providers will always put the main earner first, I was the main earner and the one handling all the correspondence, so no excuses.

I'd be interested to know if you used Armed Forces Financial as we did.

It's infuriating. I've had this on financial stuff and I have lost my shit over it.

Are you sure (sorry if this is a stupid question) whether 1 and 2 have exactly the same rights and responsibilities? Check that before following advice to wait till later to kick up a fuss.

I'd be cross to the point of using another solicitor.

I don't think it is petty.

Are you sure (sorry if this is a stupid question) whether 1 and 2 have exactly the same rights and responsibilities? Check that before following advice to wait till later to kick up a fuss

She doesn't need to check that. Of course both parties to a mortgage have the same rights and responsibilities.

Obviously if there are 2 applicants on a mortgage application one name needs to be listed first. There is no reason for the default to be anything other than whose name comes first alphabetically.

There is no reason for the higher earner to be default first- the parties are jointly and severely liable for the debt.

@LassOfFyvie "There is no reason for the higher earner to be default first- the parties are jointly and severely liable for the debt." They don't need to, but it's a logical and justifiable way of doing it that doesn't involve sex. When we did our first mortgage she wrote me down first, I jokingly thanked her expecting her to put my DH down and she said she always puts the main earner first. The discrimination (perhaps too strong a word) and lack of manners comes into it when a broker/solicitor converses with one party and lists the other.

Is it alphabetical order?

I wouldn't lose my shit over it, but I'd ask them to change it.
If they didn't, I'd look at other options.

You have every right to be annoyed. This happens to me when we rent, it happens with our accountants too even though they only ever deal with me and we both are directors of our own company with the same shares. I politely remind them I am the main director, and primary tenant and that it is sexist to assume otherwise or ignore the person they’re dealing with 100% of the time.

I note that when it comes to school, even though all paperwork has both parents details alongside each other, I am always the default person for teachers, reports, when there’s a problem, or when they need parent help for fundraising.

The logical and non- discriminatory way is Ms Anne Aardvark is listed before Mr Zebediah Zebra and Mr Bertie Bison before Ms Catherine Cat.

I swear I read this this months ago.
Honestly thought it was an old thread.

Similar thing happened when we were buying our house, I managed absolutely everything and at some point during the process our solicitor sent a letter via email that was addressed to only my husband. I emailed straight back to query why they had done this since the only contact they had had was from me. They were very apologetic and emailed and phoned me to apologise, but it still really annoyed me

Not petty. I got 50 quid of Barclays for a similar issue (and the issue corrected), I gave a rental agent a roasting for addressing an important letter to DP, when like you I'd done everything, they'd never met him, and they were aware that he was going to be out of the country for 6 weeks.

It's fucking ridiculous in this day and age for people to default to man as primary.

Oh, and I'd forgotten, I gave my father as emergency contact for the agency who was letting my house while I was abroad, explaining he was my father. They started sending all correspondence - including emails, contracts etc. to him. After explaining 3 times that he was my father, that he had no legal responsibility or ownership of the house, and they had to address all contracts to me, I finally just dumped them and found an agency that could cope with women owning property.

I swear I read this this months ago.

Very likely, but with a different OP. Everyday sexism happens all the time!

Even if the OP's DH comes ahead of her alphabetically or by earnings, that doesn't explain why they'd not bothered to include her details.

That’s not petty OP. I’m disappointed on your behalf.

@LassOfFyvie well no there would multiple ways it could be done, it just doesn't need to be done by sex, there are multiple ways of fairly organising information beyond just the alphabet. But yes, it's one way.

@ErrolTheDragon I posted about it when it happened to me a couple of months ago, I regularly name change.

Even if the OP's DH comes ahead of her alphabetically or by earnings, that doesn't explain why they'd not bothered to include her details

Especially as anti- money laundering compliance requires all the OP's details to be logged on their system anyway.

Sorry wrong tag