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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

make up and 6yo DD - what to do?

333 replies

resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 11:25

Please help me deal with this situation!

DD's cousins came to visit yesterday, and gave 6yo DD a make up set. The cousins rarely visit and I didn't feel up to souring the visit by rejecting the gift in front of them. So she spent yesterday with her cousins, covering themselves with make up. She bloody loves it. First thing she did this morning? Put more make up on.

Lots of DD's classmates are allowed to play with make up, but she knows I won't buy it for her. I don't wear it myself. I talk to her in an age appropriate way about why I don't like make up and don't wear it.

If it was up to me, this would never have come in the house! But it's here now. I could just take it away, but I'm worried that'll make it into a huge thing, I'm not sure if that'll achieve anything other than make her want it more and feel she's been treated unjustly (and, oh, do I remember the times I felt my parents were being unjust to me!)

I suppose I could let her play with it for a few days till she forgets about it and then quietly "lose" it. (Is that cowardly?)

I could impose boundaries around it (what?). She's already said she wants to wear it to school every day and I've said errr... no!

We've been talking a bit about why adults wear make up, and I've told her about how if you wear make up every day, it's a bit like it casts a spell on you and you feel you can't go outside without wearing it, and we talked about how much of a pain that would be if her friend came round to ask her to play, but she missed out because she couldn't just leave the house.

What do I do, oh wise FWR women? I want to just throw the bloody thing away, but I'm worried about creating a bigger deal out of it and making it an even greater object of desire!

The age on the box say 5+ Angry. Who makes this stuff FFS?

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 28/05/2019 15:42

Can you just treat it as you would face paint /dressing up, so she treats it as a play thing and not something for everyday.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 28/05/2019 15:43

"I think if it was more socially acceptable a lot more men would wear make up. I know my brother would, he suffered with terrible acne."

Most women don't wear make up to cover acne. They wear it to look what society views as 'normal'.

The OP already addressed the princess thing.

Drogosnextwife · 28/05/2019 15:44

If it's an individual choice, why don't we wear green lipstick? Why don't we wear purple foundation?

Actually I see that quite a lot. The new one where I am is to have hair and eyebrows dyed a very bright colour, and lipstick or eyeshadow to either match or completely clash.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 28/05/2019 15:45

And as for dictionary definitions of feminism...well. Who do you think wrote them? Feminists? Probably not even women.

Radical feminism is about destroying the patriarchy and, as far as I'm concerned, is the only viable type of feminism. I do not consider 'individual choice so I'm alright so yay feminism' to be feminism.

nevernotstruggling · 28/05/2019 15:45

I think make up is damaging (mentally, physically and socially). I really hope my DD doesn't feel the need to wear it as an adult.

I find that quite offensive.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 28/05/2019 15:46

You KNOW that that is not a norm

I do. But nobody is stopping you from wearing it. You just choose not to, because you don't want to stand out by wearing incredibly bright colours on your face. Understandable, I don't really want anyone staring at me on the tram either.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 28/05/2019 15:47

drogo oh yes? Purple foundation? Sure. If it's about what we just so happen to want, why is it always about trying to make ourselves look appealing?

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 28/05/2019 15:48

sleep no, I choose not to wear it because I don't waste my time on covering my face up and then pretending it's my individual choice.

nevernotstruggling · 28/05/2019 15:48

But meanwhile dd2 has toy make up - it's a toy. She isn't allowed it unsupervised just like she isn't allowed paint unsupervised. She only remembers about it when one specific friend comes over.

I bought tubes of festival glitter in Superdrug and any excuse to drown my girls in this is valid. Dd1 just did a half marathon coveted in blue glitter it was ace.

Drogosnextwife · 28/05/2019 15:48

Most women don't wear make up to cover acne. They wear it to look what society views as 'normal'.

Im a woman, I don't. I wear it when I fancy wearing it, most of the time I don't wear any at all, my mum never has. Like I said if it was more socially acceptable for men to wear it, then they probably would, acne or not.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 28/05/2019 15:48

DD is 7, the only thing she owns that's makeupish is a slightly pigmented lip balm. In the holidays now and then she asks if she can put (my rarely used) makeup on. She first had makeup on at 4 i think a all over the face,lipstick on forehead and beard black eyeshadow affair. It's considered dressing up and playing/mucking about. I'm comfortable with this, I don't say no, it's not forbidden and it's mostly a toy that randomly gets used a few times a year. She's exposed to it, but the aim is to have fun(and look as silly as possible) rather than "I need this to be pretty".

Drogosnextwife · 28/05/2019 15:50

drogo oh yes? Purple foundation? Sure.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 28/05/2019 15:50

no, I choose not to wear it because I don't waste my time on covering my face up and then pretending it's my individual choice.

It is your individual choice. you choose not to wear it, just as i choose to wear it. If you want to wear green lipstick to work, please, be my guest. Nobody is stopping you (well, apart from if your work has a dress code or specify neutral makeup!)

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 28/05/2019 15:51

sleep I don't think you're quite getting the idea of individual choice here, but ok.

FinallyHere · 28/05/2019 15:52

I hear you @resisterpersister

My mother would not have dreamed of going outside the house without wearing makeup. Sigh. From an early age I could see it was because she felt 'hot quite good enough' without the camouflage.

It is reassuring that you are treating this with the seriousness it deserves. I was born in the sixties and am very sorry that this stuff has evolved to maintain its grip on us all.

In order to stop it becoming a 'thing' I would certainly not confiscate it. I would however add some obviously not human based face paints, include blue .... Let her experiment with the art and not let her wear it to school.

i hope it goes well for you. There may be further battles to be faced, you sound as if you will find the right balance.

Drogosnextwife · 28/05/2019 15:53

The OP already addressed the princess thing.

No she just typed something into Google, doesn't look like she is addressing the Princess thing at all, just pushing the idea that anything to do with princesses ( who are women/girls) is boring.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 28/05/2019 15:53

I don't think you're quite getting the idea of individual choice here, but ok.

Would you kindly explain what you think i'm 'not getting'? because I think I'm pretty clear in my understanding Grin

Drogosnextwife · 28/05/2019 15:56

drogo oh yes? Purple foundation

You specifically said green lipstick. Strange that when I say I saw a woman with exactly that, and hair and eyebrows to match the other day, you now just want to talk about purple foundation.

bettybeans · 28/05/2019 15:57

Some men do wear make up by the way. and not even those you'd consider to be non-conforming. That isn't unusual although it is relatively new, like in the last 5-10 years or so. Men also get their brows done, and there's often as many men in queues at brow bars as there are women. They use fake tan. Wear jewellery.

LoafofSellotape · 28/05/2019 15:58

If it's an individual choice, why don't we wear green lipstick?

Many do,green,black, blue...

Put it in the dressing up box and it's not to be worn outside.

Confusedteacher · 28/05/2019 16:00

I think treat it as a toy. Anything you ban, she is going to want.

My 11yo DD has loads of make up, all presents from family, none from me and none that she has bought herself. She’s not allowed to wear it out. For school disco etc she wanted to put on a bit of lipgloss and I let her. She knows that sometimes I wear make up and sometimes I don’t. She knows it’s all about personal choice and doesn’t reflect who we are.

I would never ban her from playing with something- I let her embrace her pink princess phase when she was 3, we had a mountain of Barbies and princess dresses! She’s now grown out of it. We’ve always talked about how there are no ‘girls’ toys’ and ‘boys’ toys’, just toys that everyone can play with- same as colours and clothes.

I see it as empowering her to make her own choices as she gets older. And never making her feel that something she wants to do/wear is somehow bad because it’s traditionally ‘feminine’.

Drogosnextwife · 28/05/2019 16:01

I don't think you're quite getting the idea of individual choice here, but ok.

Actually I think you are the one "not getting it". According to you, only your choice is the right choice, and anyone who wears make up is doing it because they think its what's expected of them. Very narrow minded of you.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 28/05/2019 16:01

drogo is it a norm? Green lipstick? Or are a few edgy art school types doing it? We can talk about whatever you like, I wasn't dodging the question.

Do you HONESTLY think that being a princess is something to aspire to? Even if there are aspirational qualities in SOME princesses, why do boys get to be pirates, ironman, scientists, frogs blah blah blah and girls get to be princesses. I'm a teacher. At our last Halloween party, it was ALL princess dresses for the girls. Why? Because 'she is pretty'. That is what ALL my kids said when asked why they like her. And no, they didn't dress as Moana or the one from Brave. They were Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Elsa. They don't like Elsa because of her powers. They like her because she has blonde hair and sings a song. Do you honestly, really, in your heart of hearts believe that to be empowering for little girls?

sleep we're not talking about one woman making one choice. It is a system whereby ALL women are pressured into looking a certain way. It is not a coincidence that only women wear make up regularly (YES GO AHEAD AND POST THE 1% OF MEN WHO WEAR MAKE UP IN YOUTUBE TUTORIALS AND THINK THAT PROVES SOMETHING we all know it's not the case.)

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 28/05/2019 16:02

drogos yes, that's definitely what it is. Great argument.

nevernotstruggling · 28/05/2019 16:03

@Drogosnextwife I agree. I find these debates all go the same way and that women who choose not to wear make up on these thread can be really sneery to women who do. Whereas I never see women who admit to wearing make up looking down on the other side. I rarely notice whether others are wearing make up or not

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