First period advice

[Motheroffeminists]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to put this but know I'll get good advice on here.
My daughter is 12 and just started her first period. She's been prepared for years but is a bit tearful about it and freaking out about school tomorrow. She's in year 7. I've had previous threads about the unisex toilets at her school so dealing with her first period in shared toilets won't be fun. She understandably doesn't want to go to school tomorrow. She isn't precious about anything but this has thrown her.
She's also due at her dad's for contact tomorrow and has a swimming lesson. She doesn't want to go to his because she's embarrassed and doesn't want him to know. He's not a very nice man and we have a court order for contact so he would kick off if she didn't go.
How can I handle this for the best?

Is dad able to do another activity with DD or just say she's not feeling great. It was a mortifying experience for myself but it was female/male toilets. Just didn't want to be heard taking the sanitary towel out of packet 😂

Have you given her sanitary wear options? It is an overwhelming experience. Are there any teen websites that could help her?

She can call her Dad surely and say she wants to stay home in bed? She is 12, this is quite a big deal. I'd give her some time.

Unfortunately there are several other children in his family who also go swimming along with her younger sister. He's not going to be nice about it and won't tolerate her not going and I don't want to lie to him.
I think it's been a shock to her and thrown her a bit.
She's not got any pain and is feeling ok physically but just a bit delicate and worried about tomorrow.

Does she have to get in the pool, can she watch and read or something? Sounds pretty harsh to make her get in the pool.

I don't know what I can say to get her out of swimming without telling him. Then there's the school issue.

This might be frowned upon but can you both lie and say she has a sickness bug then she doesn't go to school or swimming, just while she gets her head around this first one and how to us SAN pro?

Is it worth chatting to the school about her (understandable) anxieties?

Are there no single sex toilets at all anywhere? Are they single rooms or have they unisexed the old standard type ones with cublicles which is not appropriate at all IMO.

For dad, can she be feeling unwell? Can you really not tell him, would he use it against her or embarrass her with it?

This is all awful I'm so sorry for her.

How would he react if you just told him she's started and can't go swimming tomorrow?
I gave my DD pads and spare knickers for school. It's tough but she'll figure it out, could she go at the end or start of a lesson instead of break?

Well she can't go swimming obviously as she'll bleed everywhere :/

Tampons are a longer term / get used to them / only if you want thing.

Swimming is just a no can do end of story surely. How you tell her dad I don't know. Surely he won't be angry if you tell him? Mind you, obv I don't know him and you say is horrible.

I wonder if she is going to be ill tomorrow, give you a chance to talk to the school and her dad as well.

It's a big deal and she probably feels washed out anyway.

Can you not just tell him and say she doesn't want to go swimming.

I was thinking stomach bug too. That way limited questions asked all round.
School have previously said she can have a toilet pass to get by the unisex issue so she can go during class, or she can use the disabled. She's not keen on either option but school are not interested in single sex facilities. I suspect there's kook aid in the staff room kettle.

Surely you should tell her Dad the truth?

What happens if you don’t let her go? She needs you to protect her, you just need to figure out the consequences.

Most men are mortified by period conversations. Can you tell him what the situation is and hope that he’s embarrassed enough to go along with it? Tell him if she goes with him he will have to explain her first period to the swimming instructor and take her to buy sanitary products to keep at his. Will he want to do all that? He might just say let’s leave it this week....

She’s at a secondary school with unisex toilets??? That’s terrible.

Give her the day off school. Tell them she has a poorly tummy, which can be period-related or not; you don't have to specify. Tell her dad she can't go swimming during contact as usual as she's been unwell and will catch up on school work in the spectator section or whatever at the pool.

As a separate issue, contact the school about unisex toilets and period anxiety and ask them how they intended to make the legally-required provision for your daughter.

Just tell him she has her period and won't be coming or swimming I know your Dd is sensitive but surely the truth is better than faffing about lying. The school toilets situation is awful is there no toilets the girls can go to ?

How does the school defend their unisex toilets when girls have periods to deal with? God, how awful for them.

He takes me to court if she doesn't go. Or comes and kicks the door then takes me to court. He's delightful.
@LangCleg I had a thread back in September or October about the loos but under a different name. I've had no luck with the school despite getting Rights of Women involved.

If she’s not in pain then you really can’t let her skive school because of her period. I don’t think that’s a good habit to get into. School will surely will used to year 7s needing to use the loo for periods.

He's going to need to know as she's going to not be able to join in swimming once a month-ish for the foreseeable future. Unless you think he will use it to humiliate her or somethng.

Are the school toilets contained cubicles with no gaps, or have they slapped mixed sex on the old toilets with a door between the corridor and gaps under and over the doors?

Or, somewhere in the middle?

If it's the latter that's not legal and also common sense says it is not what the vast majority of students want. Boys as well as girls.

Have they done it to divert the boys from bullying each other in the bgs to bullying the girls? That seems to be a popular tactic AKA "boys behave better when girls are around".

I agree escapade1234 that it's not a habit I want her to get in to, it's only because it's her first one.

God sake and court thinks that is acceptable behaviour for children to see forcing visits should not be allowed your poor dsughter having such a rotten father I would still tell him she isn't coming swimming and why

The loos are girls one side and boys on the other with shared sinks. The cubicles are floor to ceiling so no gaps. She refuses to use them normally. School don't care very much unfortunately.

Oh I remember how awful this was at school... you never wanted anyone to hear you opening the pad wrapper. I don't think I used tampons when I was young, not until I was 15 ish... I don't think I could have used them when I started my period at 10.

God swimming is the last thing she will want to do! Can you not text the dad and just say it very plain, but that obviously your DD is self conscious so could he please not mention it. As PP said, this will be an issue every month.