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Original poster

First period advice

86 replies

Motheroffeminists · 28/04/2019 16:49

Hi, I wasn't sure where to put this but know I'll get good advice on here.
My daughter is 12 and just started her first period. She's been prepared for years but is a bit tearful about it and freaking out about school tomorrow. She's in year 7. I've had previous threads about the unisex toilets at her school so dealing with her first period in shared toilets won't be fun. She understandably doesn't want to go to school tomorrow. She isn't precious about anything but this has thrown her.
She's also due at her dad's for contact tomorrow and has a swimming lesson. She doesn't want to go to his because she's embarrassed and doesn't want him to know. He's not a very nice man and we have a court order for contact so he would kick off if she didn't go.
How can I handle this for the best?

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 28/04/2019 22:43

Cake For your daughter, I think she will appreciate it more than flowers.

There's been a couple of threads about period pants where you will be able to get more info.

taeglas · 29/04/2019 00:29

For world earth day cheecky wipes are offering 25% off a list of products including period pants until Thursday May 2nd.
www.cheekywipes.com/special-offer.html
The discount is added after you add items to basket. You can only use one discount code at a time so can't use this along with the 10% sign up to newsletter discount.
Buy the smallest size. Their sizes come up large for the lace top version. I sized down after reading reviews.
This was the thread I read on here last November
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3433032-AIBU-period-proof-underwear-cant-be-100-leakproof
They have since introduced a bikini sport style period pants which might be a better style for a teenager.
I have very heavy periods and bought as a backup for my menstural cup or to use on lighter days. They are very comfortable to wear.

ZebrasAreBras · 29/04/2019 01:21

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at her having the day off school for her first period - I remember mine, and you feel crampy, washed out, and generally just a bit in shock.

I was also going to link to those cheeky wipes period pants too- I'm getting some for my DD11 in readiness... They seem like such a great idea, and should last the whole school day - so no toilet issues.

SlipperyLizard · 29/04/2019 06:57

I started my periods at primary school (age 9/10) and started using tampons pretty soon so I could go swimming. My mum was pretty matter of fact about it, and there’s no reason why a younger girl can’t use them.

If she can use tampons she may not need to tell her dad (I’d have hated mine knowing too, although he was distant rather than abusive). She could wrap the applicator in loo roll and drop it in the kitchen bin.

Washable pads might be an idea for school, as they are quiet so no rustling (I remember the fear of anyone hearing, and the oh so gentle closing of the sanitary bin lid!). I’ve used the cheeky wipes ones but they wriggled around a lot, but may have improved (or it might just be me!).

Period pants look ace, too.

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 07:15

She feels rubbish this morning so definitely no school. She feels really sick and had bad tummy ache. Her dad usually picks her up from school and will hit the roof if she doesn't go Sad

OP posts:
SarahTancredi · 29/04/2019 07:19

Oh the poor thing. Its stressful enough without having to worry about her dad being a dick and not having an age space at school.

Its heartbreaking how much contempt there is for women and girls ..always having to suck something up in the name of pandering to men.

CakeBrew

stucknoue · 29/04/2019 07:27

It's the 21st century, can't you just call him, explain she is feeling a bit down and confused because of her first period and that she can't go swimming. He's her dad he'll either say sit and watch or stay home

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 07:34

Thank you. I'm going to show her the period pants and see what she thinks and let her eat a pot noodle and a Mars bars or two if she stops feeling sick.
I'm dreading the communication with her dad. He goes nuts if she's off school sick even though she's only ever off if genuinely unwell.He thinks I say she's unwell as some sort of control thing. Just like he used to accuse me of having an endometriosis flare up just so he couldn't go out on the piss with his mates as he needed to look after dd when a baby Hmm

OP posts:
stucknoue · 29/04/2019 07:36

And from a mum of two older teens, I found playing it down worked really well, we were just matter of fact, periods are part of being a woman. Our bathroom drawer has both pads and tampons which I keep stocked and they could experiment with tampons when they were ready (this is when the internet is great, dd simply looked for a video rather than having to ask me how to insert). No big deal, no special meals but they got pack of period pants each as for sport especially they give more protection

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 07:36

@stucknoue he's a very abusive man who I'm generally NC with. "Just calling him" will lead to a load of verbal abuse and threats.

OP posts:
Broken11Girl · 29/04/2019 07:45

Oh bless her and you Flowers
Can you text her dad, or e-mail. Totally short and to the point. DD is unwell so will not be able to attend contact, she will see you next contact date, regards Motheroffeminists, phone off or block. Call police if he comes round and bangs on the door etc, or sends abusive messages. He can take you to court, they won't give a shit, she was ill. I'm sorry he's a twat Flowers

Mrsjayy · 29/04/2019 08:16

I don't understand how the courts think sending kids to an abusive parent is for the good of the child all that teaches children is you need to put up with shite to keep adults happy and withintheir rights

LangCleg · 29/04/2019 09:04

She feels rubbish this morning so definitely no school. She feels really sick and had bad tummy ache. Her dad usually picks her up from school and will hit the roof if she doesn't go

Flowers for you both.

I hope today goes okay. Perhaps contact won't be so bad if she doesn't have to cope with swimming as well? (See my first post in the thread).

Branleuse · 29/04/2019 09:07

Cant you tell him that shes started her period and cant do swimming?
He needs to know

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 09:17

Aw she keeps telling me she thinks it's stopped then restarted so I've had to explain to her it's not a constant flow and can stop and start a bit. She doesn't want to try tampons yet which is understandable. I'm going to brave the call to her dad in a bit 😩 He's not the brightest spark and took them to a shopping mall when the youngest had chicken pox with new spots still appearing. And took her to the park when she had a stomach bug and had been vomiting a couple of hours earlier. Doesn't get why being in bed with a chest infection should mean you can't go to a party.

OP posts:
Cheekyfeckery · 29/04/2019 10:33

Have you had any counselling or support Motheroffeminists? I found it very helpful to give me strength to deal with XH.

Cheekyfeckery · 29/04/2019 10:35

I would text him, tell him she’s started her periods, isn’t well, isn’t at school and will be staying put. Then I’d block him for a couple of days.

I’ve done this a couple of times to avoid conflict.

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 14:25

He's kicked off about her being off school as predicted. She really doesn't want me to explain to him the reason bar tummy ache, sick, feels unwell which means she'll have to explain when he pushes her about swimming. He's such a twat. I've re-blocked him.

OP posts:
FermatsTheorem · 29/04/2019 15:21

Keep a detailed written record of what he says and does. If he's likely to take you to court over what he perceives to be blocked access, he could find himself hoist on his own petard. Your daughter is old enough now that a judge would take her opinion into account, and using her first period as ammunition to exhibit controlling and abusive behaviour would be looked on very dimly.

TabbyTurmoil · 29/04/2019 16:05

I seriously recommend looking at cloth pads with her to see if she would use them - I hated plastic pads, used tampons for years but can't use anything internal post childbirth so switched to cloth and it's fab in every way - environment, comfort, cost (in the long term). I really like Honour Your Flow wool backed (almost plastic free) but if you look on Facebook and Etsy you can find just about anything you can imagine- Harry Potter, unicorns, talking uterus etc.

No rustling, and she could take a mini wet bag with her to her dad's so they wouldn't have to know.

Cheekyfeckery · 29/04/2019 16:14

I don’t think it’s helpful not to tell him - it’ll just look like your DD is making an excuse surely? I know she doesn’t want him to know - but it’s nothing to be ashamed of (easy for me to say of course).

He’s going to kick off whatever you do from the sounds of it.

You might as well just give him the facts and block him.

I really do feel for you OP. It’s no way to have to live your lives, putting his tantrums first. What a knob.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 29/04/2019 16:33

Aw, your poor DD. Hope she's feeling better soon.

I echo the recs for cloth pads - although then there is the issue of what to do with the used ones. I just got a set that came with a washable bag, which might solve that problem.

They won't rustle at all and are enormously comfortable and comforting - far better than plastic disposables. I wish I'd known about them a hundred years ago.

In the larger picture: I'm so sorry about your ex. This sounds like an intolerable situation. Does DD want to see him? Does she have to? When can she decide not to? At what point will a court say she doesn't have to see someone who doesn't seem to have her best interests in mind?

Best wishes to both of you, I wish you didn't have all that crap to negotiate. x

bellinisurge · 29/04/2019 16:41

For school- There are also period pants - Modibodi do a teen range. Or Wuka. I slowly but surely built up a little stash of about 4 period pants (they are around £20 each). Dd is using them for school now she has started. You can also buy cloth pads or better still make them. Look up Precious Stars Pads on YouTube for some straight talking but ever so nice vlogs on reusables.
As for her dad and swimming- I would pull a sickie this time but, frankly, he needs to know that she also has periods to manage and she gets to decide how to do that.

Cheekyfeckery · 29/04/2019 16:50

If he kicks off about this situation I’d be inclined to let him take me to court. No court would think you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
Motheroffeminists · 29/04/2019 16:58

She likes the idea of period pants so I'll get her some.
In the end I told her I'd have to tell him. He was strangely nice on the phone. That's because he's after more time that wasn't agree at court. That's a whole other thread though!

She has to go to contact. The judge has made that very clear and gave an example of a 15 year old who was told by court she had to see her dad. I've been told that once she's 14 that she'll have more say and no one can force her but who knows.

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