First period advice

[Motheroffeminists]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to put this but know I'll get good advice on here.
My daughter is 12 and just started her first period. She's been prepared for years but is a bit tearful about it and freaking out about school tomorrow. She's in year 7. I've had previous threads about the unisex toilets at her school so dealing with her first period in shared toilets won't be fun. She understandably doesn't want to go to school tomorrow. She isn't precious about anything but this has thrown her.
She's also due at her dad's for contact tomorrow and has a swimming lesson. She doesn't want to go to his because she's embarrassed and doesn't want him to know. He's not a very nice man and we have a court order for contact so he would kick off if she didn't go.
How can I handle this for the best?

When I got my first period my DM made us all a special supper and my DF made a little speech to my DBs saying that I'd reached a special stepping stone in my path to womanhood. I'd thought it would be embarrassing but it was actually really nice - and it made sure my DBs were respectful about my periods.

I realize this has nothing to do with your question, OP, but I wonder if a special meal tonight might cheer the poor girl up a bit.

I had a thread back in September or October about the loos but under a different name. I've had no luck with the school despite getting Rights of Women involved.

I think I remember and am sorry to hear it.

I think, despite advice of other PPs, if your ex is as described, it's sensible to give your DD the privacy from him knowing that she's asking for.

There is no point in lying about it to her father. Unless she is comfortable with using tampons or a moon cup, which she clearly isn't, she can't go swimming wearing a sanitary pad. That's going to happen every 4 weeks or so from now on.

I must have raised her right because she doesn't want to lie as she knows our family rule is not to do so. She's working her way up to letting me tell him now but I've said we'll see how she goes overnight with things about school as it's impossible to know how much she will bleed. At her age I was bleeding every 2 weeks but started when I was 10. The fortnightly thing was just for a few mo ta one summer. Was weird. I don't think she'll be happy with tampons and I've never used a moon cup so couldn't help her about that in terms of experience.

And please do not enforce this "omg someone might hear me unwrapping a pad" attitude. So what if they do? Even in the toilet set up you describe that someone is going to be another girl.

I remember the really mixed emotions when i first started and am so sorry things are that much more difficult given the situation with her father and the toilets at school. Like others I am wondering about claiming some kind of sickness this time but longer term he is going to need to deal with this every month and for her sake I hope he steps up and shows some understanding.

I was definitely not ready for tampons in the first couple of years, but admittedly they have the advantage of being quieter to use at school (how awful she should have to consider that in making her choices). She could experiment a bit over the coming months to work out if they are an option for her. Failing that I wonder if there are hand dryers and a helpful friend could use one as a sound cover for her?

I must have raised her right because she doesn't want to lie as she knows our family rule is not to do so. She's working her way up to letting me tell him now

No need to rush her. It's hardly the end of the world if her father isn't informed the first time around.

Having said that, like the last poster, ideally nobody should feel worried about the noise of rustling. Its something everyone deals with for 30+ years so fingers crossed she will have the confidence to think 'so what' once she is used to things

Agree with everything Lang has said.

As a longer term swim option, you could look into absorbant swimwear? Modibodi do a plain black one piece: www.modibodi.com/product-category/swim/

Not cheap, but worth considering?

Can I say, as a former school leader, that this whole 'unisex toilets in school and the girls can suck it up' business enrages me?

Motheroffeminists - if you think I can be of any help with advice, wording of letters to the head or others, etc. feel free to PM me.

It's hardly the end of the world if her father isn't informed the first time around.

It is if he forces her to swim!

It is if he forces her to swim!

See the advice in my first comment on the thread.

Ah fair enough Lang

Poor kid shouldn't be worrying about a selfish man making her go swiming or stay at his house go with the upset stomach it isn't really lying as such she has enough to deal with

Bless her, she's calmed down now but still doesn't want to go to school. I've said we'll see how she is in the morning but I'll be encouraging her to go if she's ok. She hasn't got PE so that's a relief for her. She's asked me to tell her dad but to wait until tomorrow in case it stops and we don't need to tell him anything.

Yes, I think it just makes more sense to tell her dad. That being said, I would not be above taking a sick day - I think "dealing with new body related thing" falls under that. As far as her father goes though it just pushes the problem back a bit.

She could start practicing with a tampon when she is home if she is going to be in swimming regularly. Some 12 year olds do ok with them - my 14 year old did at that age, it's not her preference but she will use them for swimming.
I would look into the new period panties and swimsuits too. I haven't tried them but I have heard great reviews.

She's asked me to tell her dad but to wait until tomorrow in case it stops and we don't need to tell him anything

You do need to tell him. Sorry but no matter how upset she might be you should not be validating the idea that periods can't be mentioned. Her father should know and absolutely will have to know if he intends taking her swimming. It's going to come up every 4 weeks more or less.

Bless her, she's calmed down now but still doesn't want to go to school. I've said we'll see how she is in the morning but I'll be encouraging her to go if she's ok. She hasn't got PE so that's a relief for her. She's asked me to tell her dad but to wait until tomorrow in case it stops and we don't need to tell him anything.

She sounds like a lovely kid.

You do need to tell him. Sorry but no matter how upset she might be you should not be validating the idea that periods can't be mentioned.

Oh, FGS, Lass. Nobody's saying that. Dad, especially if unstable and aggressive at times, doesn't have to be told in ten seconds flat. The poor kid is allowed a bit of time to get used to the idea.

Periods are normal. The OP's daughter has already got the idea that they are embarrassing.

Exactly. Nothing she tells him is ever kept private so his gf and their eleventy billion kids will be told. There's also no bin in the bathroom there. His gf chucks tampons and plastic applicators down the loo

He will be told but when he needs to know. we are very open about these things in our house but your dad knowing is a bit different especially when he'll tell everyone. I'd also hate for the gf to push her into using tampons before she's ready. She bought her bra tops before she'd even got any breast buds a few years back and I was not happy. She oversteps the mark massively. Dd hates her. I'm just glad it started when she was with me and not at his or school.

Fgs Lass, do you not remember being 12? Everything is embarrassing. There's boys for a start. And boobs and periods and it's all new and takes adjusting to especially when you know your dad and his gf won't allow you any privacy over anything.
I'm a nurse. They've known about periods since age 6. They know about sex and bodily functions and don't bat an eye normally but this is a big thing for her now that it's happening to her. I gave her a happy hug and congratulated her. She's not embarrassed. She just doesn't like it and doesn't feel comfortable with her dad knowing.

Could you buy her a few pairs of period pants? That gets her over a bit of a hurdle for school hours (though doesn't solve the shared facilities issue, which is just ridiculous, nor swimming). But might save a little inhibition/embarrassment regarding school attendance

Period pants! Awesome! I didn't know they existed. I hated pads as a child as they were so bulky and was desperate to use tampons but my mum wasn't keen. Do any of you use them and can you recommend any? She's quite teeny and in age 11 knickers from M&S.

I feel a little emotional too about all this. She's my eldest and the first one to start. It seems so long ago that I started mine (32 years!) and it's yet another milestone of her growing up. Her going to high school was such a big thing and now this. Every milestone is celebrated in our house though and I'm very proud of her. She's a feisty one with very strong opinions and is a budding feminist with a clear sense of right and wrong and no tolerance for nonsense. She is currently curled up with a hot water bottle and has needed paracetamol and ibuprofen for the pain which has intensified since this afternoon. She feels sick too and has a bad headache. She's pretty stoic about it though. I have endometriosis and have pain every day in addition to awful periods and she's always been really supportive when I've felt rubbish so I'll be spoiling her a little. She's already mentioned pot noodles, mars bars and coke!

Poor child, it’s rubbish isn’t it? Even worse that it has to be all about her dad - he sounds awful.

Personally I’d keep her off if it’s possible mainly because she needs to adjust and get used to it. And because things sound pretty shitty for her.

Aw Motheroffeminists so you should keep her off school then if shes poorly. She sounds like a great girl with a great mam. Oh and one of my best first period memories was getting a new matching pants and bra set. Just something I always remember and will do for mine when they come to that point.