Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

I feel that transitioning contributed to my sibling's death.

98 replies

WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 21:49

I can only cope with posting this in small segments so I apologise in advance for drip feeding.

** [post edited at OP's request]

And as her female relative I've somehow found myself in conversations over and over where people put words in my mouth that aren't I happy that she died her true self? The platitudes that people come.oit with just leave me with no.space to say that no,. actually, if there hadn't have been all this focus on being trans, there might have been a bit more focus on the mental health and addiction issues. It might not have got that bad. Ok it might have, but I'm pretty sure.it didn't help.
And next week.i have to face all the trans and trans ally friends at her funeral and bite my tongue over what I really feel.

  • [Note from MNHQ: the OP has asked us to edit some identifying details from this post]
OP posts:
Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 21:58

I am really concerned that people with pre existing issues are seeing transition as a way to escape themselves. Fix their problems.
I am concerned that the gender clinics do not screen and gatekeep this enough.
I grieved when I felt I had lost my brother to become a woman I didn't know. But now I have lost any chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:01

There is no way to diagnose being transgender other than what the person says. And it is really easy to learn how to say the right things. And the clinics obviously have to take them at their word. And believe them if they say there are no issues. But that just seems wrong to me! I not a HCP so probably talking shite, talking from grief, but there must be a better way surely?

OP posts:
2BthatUnnoticed · 18/04/2019 22:01

OP I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope you have people around you to support you and comfort you at this time.

I believe there is a dedicated Bereavement board (can anyone confirm?). I recommend you ask HQ to move your thread there so people can best support you Flowers

CharlieParley · 18/04/2019 22:04

Oh, WhyNotME40 I am so very sorry to read this. I was party to a similar dynamic at one removed, between my mother and my uncle, which also went all the way to the bitter end. My mother being the only one who actually tried to help. But we can only help those who want to be helped. And sometimes people don't hit rock bottom early enough to be able to seek that help. Sometimes rock bottom is just that.

I do not know what to say to help. My mum had an unpleasant aftermath too and there was nothing else to do but to solider through, swear like a trooper internally and then go completely no contact with all the hangers-on who didn't care enough while my uncle was alive.

I wish you strength and patience for next week Flowers. You will still grieve for the brother you lost and may have hoped to get back in the future, the one who overcame all those difficult issues, and lived happily ever after, whether trans or not. Because that's what we always hope for. So allow yourself to grieve your loss, but know that you are not to blame.

cornflakegirl · 18/04/2019 22:05

Flowers I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find people in real life who will listen to the way you are actually feeling.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 18/04/2019 22:05

Hello why

Don't move your thread, we asked you to start this one Smile

Ive not read your post properly, so im going to do that now

Give me a minute and dont go anywhere Flowers

Erythronium · 18/04/2019 22:08

I'm so sorry for your loss Whynotme.

TinselAngel · 18/04/2019 22:09

OP originally posted on the Trans Widows thread, but I suggested that the issues faced by siblings of trans people was worth its own thread.

I think she wants to discuss how the lack of treatment of other issues in favour of affirming transition, can be damaging to the individuals involved, and to their families.

I know that trans people deliberately hide other issues from the GIC in order to get the treatment that they want.

It's a tragedy, but I can't see the tide turning any time soon Thanks

As for the funeral, OP, just smile and wave x

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 18/04/2019 22:09

I do think that some people see transitioning as a 'fix', that life will be better afterwards

And im sure thats true in some cases but i agree that it can just be hiding underlying problems that aren't going to get better unless they are addressed

And of course that doesn't happen

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 18/04/2019 22:11

I do know a young transperson that has had all sorts of mental health issues and is niw transitioning

Ive a horrible feeling that it won't work...though to be fair i think they are content at the moment

GrinitchSpinach · 18/04/2019 22:12

WhyNotMe I am so sorry for your loss, which began, it seems, in advance of your sibling's actual death.

It seems very clear that severe mental distress is going unaddressed once the patient mouths the shibboleth, "gender identity." I hope that recent resignations at the Tavistock lead to a critical reassessment of evaluation and treatment for gender issues...

Hope you have good support from other family members and friends at this terrible time.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 18/04/2019 22:12

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. What a heartbreaking story.

SmileEachDay · 18/04/2019 22:13

Why

Your loss is profound. I’m really, really sorry. What would help you, right now? Brew

Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:13

Yes Tinsel and Rufus. That's what I'm trying (badly) to say.
I'm not clever enough like you lot on here to talk about the women's rights stuff, I only know what I've seen with my sister.
And that is that the trans juggernaut is being used by people it's not intended for, and so makes them worse. The affirmation model is inherently flawed. And contributes to premature deaths.

OP posts:
RubyViolet · 18/04/2019 22:13

So sorry for your loss . 💐

MilletSentToForceIt · 18/04/2019 22:14

I am so sorry for your loss.

Often, those left behind, particularly in such difficult circumstances as this, will think they could/should have done more. If only I had etc. The truth is, that if your brother wanted to go then there is nothing you could have done to stop that.

From what you have said here, any action you have taken in the past regarding addiction has not been effective. There is nothing to say that it would have been any different this time. Please give yourself a chance to grieve, guilt free.

Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:16

I also think that the gender clinics should ask the family about background. Because I know my sibling lied and reinvented our whole.childhood.

OP posts:
OliviaCat · 18/04/2019 22:17

I'm so sorry. You are not alone. My step sibling had a similar story with the same outcome. It broke everyone.

I agree: the trans pathway becomes "the fix" and all the hope goes there. But it's a lie.

Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:19

Millet, I know you are right. It probably would have ended the same way sooner or later, but the transition was a red herring, a nice little distraction away from the real issues. In someone else they might have accepted treatment for the real issues if not distracted by trans

OP posts:
anomoony · 18/04/2019 22:19

I do think that some people see transitioning as a 'fix', that life will be better afterwards

My ex had diagnoses of bipolar disease and a personality disorder before my ex decided all the distress and the symptoms were because of trans. So my ex became "a girl" at 46, ditched the meds, and the hypomania that followed told him/her (I am sorry, I'm having difficulty with pronouns) that s/he was right because why else would it feel so good? I've later distanced myself for my own health but I've heard this is not an uncommon set of circumstances.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Why.

Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:22

Anomoomy - it's not unheard of?! But it shouldn't happen! For it to be a known thing is a scandal surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:22

And thanks

OP posts:
Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 18/04/2019 22:23

I lurk on the more cerebral threads why

But i do think they should talk to the family especially when there are underlying problems

in the case I'm thinking of members of the family are rewriting history themselves...apparently they always knew there was something different about their child. Which I don't believe at all

Reminds me of a friend who thinks she has an awesome gaydar...she doesnt. Its only after i toldher that one of my children had come out to me that she told me she always knew they were gay Hmm

Victoriapestis01 · 18/04/2019 22:26

Op, I am so horribly sorry.

You say you feel you didn’t help her enough. When we lose someone we love to mental health and addiction it is natural to blame ourselves. Please be kind to yourself. There will be time to think after the grieving.

I hope you and your family get through the horror of the funeral. Perhaps it may help to think that everyone there is there because, in some way, they cared for your sister. Perhaps it wasn’t your way, or the most helpful way, but love is always a gift.

Moominfan · 18/04/2019 22:26

Op I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks