I feel that transitioning contributed to my sibling's death.

[WhyNotMe40]

I can only cope with posting this in small segments so I apologise in advance for drip feeding.

** [post edited at OP's request]

And as her female relative I've somehow found myself in conversations over and over where people put words in my mouth that aren't I happy that she died her true self? The platitudes that people come.oit with just leave me with no.space to say that no,. actually, if there hadn't have been all this focus on being trans, there might have been a bit more focus on the mental health and addiction issues. It might not have got that bad. Ok it might have, but I'm pretty sure.it didn't help.
And next week.i have to face all the trans and trans ally friends at her funeral and bite my tongue over what I really feel.

• [Note from MNHQ: the OP has asked us to edit some identifying details from this post]

WhyNot

Thanks everyone.
I've been thinking - would it be out of order to contact my siblings GP or gender clinic with my concerns? Or is it really none of my business and leave it to the experts. I'm unsure that some random relative can have any impact on policies in this area but I strongly feel the need to do something....

I mentioned earlier that you should consider writing to your siblings clinicians - they may well not welcome your input, but that’s not a reason not to send it.

Consider GP and PALS as well as GIC - use a friend’s address as a c/o if you think you might find a reply-without-warning upsetting.

They may well be bound by privacy, seeing as you aren’t next of kin (presume that’s your parents?) but it might contribute to changing the path for others in similar situations to your sibling, and knowing that you tried might help you heal from this loss.

Such a horrible, sad, situation for your whole family, your sibling included ❤️

I haven't been around much in recent days/ weeks but I saw this today. Last Saturday I encountered an acquaintance whose brother transitioned several years ago and had a GRC. The brother, D, had a history of mental health problems and self-harming. D committed suicide in February. D's sister said that D and the family had hoped that transitioning would deal with the depression and confusion. Clearly it didn't.

Betty oh yes so you did, sorry I missed it. I think when I get a minute I might contact the gp.
Thatdamn that's very sad. I wonder if anyone is tracking this?

From what I understand, the privacy issues change after death, and you can get someone to counsel you and go through the notes with you. This might not be offered as a service though due to cost etc, but do write and you might be able to ask for this. Check with PALS?

Possibly stupid question, but which PALS? They had contact with several hospitals, GP and MH crisis team

I'm unsure that some random relative can have any impact on policies in this area but I strongly feel the need to do something....

You were their sister.
Your perception, concerns & insight are important
You absoutely should do what feels important. Perhaps in the first instance, just writing it may help & as Betty has suggested, PALS may be worth contacting for support when/if you want to make contact.
Im sure many close relatives have questions about how their loved ones were treated.

but which PALS? They had contact with several hospitals, GP and MH crisis team

I would be inclined to speak with the team connected to either the most recent health provision or the one which has the longest involvement but as a first question, ask them for some guidance.
Im sure its not unusual for people to have similar issues re a number of points of health care.

Perhaps start with the GP? They should be able to direct you to the appropriate PALS - no need to give any additional info at that point.

You don’t have to do this now, btw - there are benefits to moving rapidly (staff still in roles etc) but your own health/grief comes first, so do set your own pace.

As R0 says above, do what you feel is important.
We are all here and willing to listen and offer support (as much as is possible through an anonymous Internet forum!) as and when you need us.

How did the funeral go @WhyNotMe40 ?

Thanks for asking. I'm not really sure tbh. Ok, no big scenes, I made a lot of small talk and was too busy with practicalities to actually get into anything with anyone.
And the people I had been dreading seeing didn't actually turn up anyway, so that's a relief.

Oh and I contacted the tavistock. They had not been informed of the death, which surprised me, as there was a post mortem and will be an inquest.

So sorry. and thank you for sharing as it pushs me to carry on doing whatever I can to make the world better IRL

Thinking of you WhyNot

Thanks

I've decided not to go down the PALS complaint route. I don't think it would achieve anything except waste a lot of doctor and other HCP time

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. Take good care of yourself.

Sorry for your loss, OP. I hope you have some support around you for the inquest

I don't wish to hijack this thread, but inspired by the discussion here, I started a new one
Not a widow, not a sibling, but once close to someone trans who committed suicide
Any comments or perspective you can offer would be welcome there.

Fantastic idea, thank you.
This issue impacts the whole family, and it's difficult to talk about it in real life

WhyNotMe40 my heart goes out to you.