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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

I feel that transitioning contributed to my sibling's death.

98 replies

WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 21:49

I can only cope with posting this in small segments so I apologise in advance for drip feeding.

** [post edited at OP's request]

And as her female relative I've somehow found myself in conversations over and over where people put words in my mouth that aren't I happy that she died her true self? The platitudes that people come.oit with just leave me with no.space to say that no,. actually, if there hadn't have been all this focus on being trans, there might have been a bit more focus on the mental health and addiction issues. It might not have got that bad. Ok it might have, but I'm pretty sure.it didn't help.
And next week.i have to face all the trans and trans ally friends at her funeral and bite my tongue over what I really feel.

  • [Note from MNHQ: the OP has asked us to edit some identifying details from this post]
OP posts:
terfsandwich · 18/04/2019 22:28

This is the consequence of the "umbrella". People who don't want to be scrutinised for sexual reasons means that now there is literally no support or investigation for the mentally ill.

The mentally ill are once again on the scrapheap.

SciFiScream · 18/04/2019 22:30

OP I'm so desperately sad for you and your family about the loss of your sibling.

Don't blame yourself
Please let's yourself grieve

ChiaraRimini · 18/04/2019 22:30

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Do you know!if your sibling was seeing a psych/doctor etc? Surely lessons should be learnt, I would want to follow up with them. Understand if this may be too distressing though.

2BthatUnnoticed · 18/04/2019 22:32

Oops sorry OP - I didn’t realise. My apologies. I’m glad people have stepped in.

I’m just mindful that this board is under 24/7 observation, so screen shots about your sibling may well end up on Twitter.. and you need less stress at this time, not more Flowers

Take a good friend with you to the funeral. You have suffered a big loss, so give yourself time to grieve.

Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:33

Oh god is this too identifying do you think?

OP posts:
anomoony · 18/04/2019 22:34

Anomoomy - it's not unheard of?! But it shouldn't happen! For it to be a known thing is a scandal surely?

I totally agree. Unfortunately in these times it is almost blasphemy to question the narrative.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 18/04/2019 22:37

2b

No it was a good point, absolutely a good suggestion under the circumstances

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 18/04/2019 22:39

I dont know why

Mnhq will remove it if you are worried...i think people just want to support you but you are obviously grieving and need to do what's best for you

2BthatUnnoticed · 18/04/2019 22:40

It’s fine OP - don’t let it put you off seeking support (I was just explaining why I had thought of suggesting another board in my earlier comment) Flowers

terfsandwich · 18/04/2019 22:41

It's actually mentally ill people with the genuinely high suicide rate. One of the reasons probably that trans have cuckoo'd in their nest. They get to coopt their narratives for their own benefit.

TinselAngel · 18/04/2019 22:41

Oh god is this too identifying do you think?

I don't think so. Every post on FWR is not screen shot on Twitter.

You have the right to speak.

Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:43

I have to say I'm not thinking straight right now so I don't trust my own judgement!
I've reported the op and asked for an edit.
Although I can't see anything that is Twitter worthy I'm not sure.
The stupidest thing is that I was a trans super ally. Talked myself down whenever I had doubts.... And even now I come from a position of minimising harm to the trans person....

OP posts:
Datun · 18/04/2019 22:45

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had no idea it was so recent from what you posted on the other thread. How devastating.

We all do realise that the affirmation only approach to transgenderism is masking other comorbid illnesses. I do believe that the recent whistleblowing at the Tavistock is now highlighting this. Their own report shows it. And so people are beginning to speak out about ignoring underlying problems.

Quite apart from the trans issue, the death of a sibling is crushing. And my heart goes out to you. Please, please don't think this is in any way your fault. It isn't. None of it.

Your insight is incredible. And will stand you in good stead. And I hope you can find some counselling which will help you.

3dogs2cats · 18/04/2019 22:47

I am so sorry. This is so sad. I would be like you and want to scream at all the enablers who saw the glitter, but not the attraction that would hold for a vulnerable person.But I do also wish, like you that I could console myself with cliches, it would help.
My only advice in getting thru the funeral is don’t drink, otherwise it may all come out anyway.
This is not the time but one day you may want to tell your family story, try and float above them all and observe.

LillithsFamiliar · 18/04/2019 22:47

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers
Be gentle to yourself and give yourself space to grieve. Sometimes, after a loss, it's easy to focus on issues to distract us from our grief but the issues/problems in the system will still be there when you're ready to face them.

Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:47

With my sibling it made me really cross with all the stereotypes, rewriting history, putting words in my mouth, putting restrictions on what words I could say. But I thought all of that was because I was wrong. Or because of their issued they had to be treated gently.
But then I realised that noone would treat me that gently, and I've had severe depression and chronic anxiety! Post natal depression you don't get half as much cotton willing!

OP posts:
Antibles · 18/04/2019 22:48

I'm really sorry for your loss why Flowers

I agree that trans is being sold as a solution to some people's unhappiness when it's no such thing.

StopThePlanet · 18/04/2019 22:50

You have a right to your grief and however you find to live with it, it is yours - your sibling's fairgender friends have no claim to your grief or feelings and you owe them nothing.

Thank you for beginning to share your story.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that people say such bizarre things when someone dies, it's really callous and inappropriate behavior shrouded in feigned empathy.

I urge you to celebrate your sibling - how you saw them, how you knew them, the joys and pain you may have shared. I recently lost someone I love very much. I celebrate her when I'm alone by listening to her favorite music and speaking to her out loud. Celebrating her does not take the pain, loss, or hole in my heart away but it does provide some comfort.

Try to find comfort through your grief - once you settle into it and the understanding that it may not get any easier... the hurt never goes away, you might find a natural segue into honoring your missing sibling by finding a way to help others avoid a similar fate.

Flowers
Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:53

Thanks all, some very wise words on here. And I will definitely take the advice about no alcohol Grin ! That could be disastrous!!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 22:55

And I'm sorry for your loss Stop. I will take your suggestion of celebrating through music. We shared a lot of music together.
I knew my sibling was flawed, as am I. But I still loved them.

OP posts:
Barracker · 18/04/2019 22:56

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope you have the support you need to process your grief and I expect anger. And I hope that in your grief you are able to speak freely, without feeling like you have to curate and monitor your own words.

It's immensely cruel to lead people to believe that they can change sex. Transition is such a false promise and it's heartbreaking that vulnerable people are suffering because they put faith in this imagined solution to their problems.
I hope the professionals responsible are held to account eventually.

Trousering · 18/04/2019 23:02

Do you even need to go to the funeral if you think it's going to be an upsetting event? You could always do something more personal and genuine at a later date in your own way. Rather than having this experience which is about other people's lives, and not your family. You might have parents to assist though which makes this tricky.

KittensinaBlender · 18/04/2019 23:07

As a close family member, know that you were too close to help. Once someone reaches crisis point with their mental health, they need detached trained professionals who can offer therapeutic pathways to recovery, it's the only way through it.

There was nothing more you could have done - love, unfortunately isn't always enough.

The system is broken. The support your sibling needed and deserved was not forthcoming and that is a travesty but it's not your fault.

Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 23:10

I have to go or it will be "noted"

Another thing I wanted to say is that I do wonder how many of the TRAs that shout so loud to the detriment of womens rights do so as a distraction from their own issues.
I say this not to excuse their behaviour but perhaps explain. And also that if the gender clinics screen better for other conditions they could actually tackle these issues with the side effect of fewer people attacking women's rights....

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 23:14

kittens thank you.
Right bedtime. Thanks for listening and all the wise wise words, and my deepest sympathies for those who also are dealing with losses xx

OP posts:
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