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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

I feel that transitioning contributed to my sibling's death.

98 replies

WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 21:49

I can only cope with posting this in small segments so I apologise in advance for drip feeding.

** [post edited at OP's request]

And as her female relative I've somehow found myself in conversations over and over where people put words in my mouth that aren't I happy that she died her true self? The platitudes that people come.oit with just leave me with no.space to say that no,. actually, if there hadn't have been all this focus on being trans, there might have been a bit more focus on the mental health and addiction issues. It might not have got that bad. Ok it might have, but I'm pretty sure.it didn't help.
And next week.i have to face all the trans and trans ally friends at her funeral and bite my tongue over what I really feel.

  • [Note from MNHQ: the OP has asked us to edit some identifying details from this post]
OP posts:
bythewayok · 18/04/2019 23:14

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at 18 and was pushed to see a gender specialist. I am female and I always have been I was terrified that I was being told that there was another option. I've tried for years to get some attention brought to this and I'm sorry to say I got nowhere. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I wish I had something useful to say

(Namechange because as MH specialists have said "schizophrenics give us deniability"

Original poster
WhyNotMe40 · 18/04/2019 23:16

Bloody hell that's appalling!

OP posts:
StopThePlanet · 18/04/2019 23:17

WhyNotMe40

And I'm sorry for your loss Stop.
Thank you, that's very kind. I shared only to convey that celebrating those we miss (especially through music) can fill your heart with joy and sadness for the moments that you dance/sing/listen. Mine always involves ugly smile crying but those moments aren't for anyone but me and the one I miss.

I will take your suggestion of celebrating through music. We shared a lot of music together.
Be sure to do it in private you never know what's going to come out the first time you try it. Wink

I knew my sibling was flawed, as am I. But I still loved them.
We are all flawed creatures. without flaws we'd all be amorphous boring perfect people. Fuck that noise! If you don't love flawed people you don't actually love anybody. Smile

Except my female dog... she is perfect and she is pretty sure she's human - she is totally brilliant. My male dog is gross. (Hope a little poor humor is okay).

Datun · 18/04/2019 23:22

Fuck that noise! If you don't love flawed people you don't actually love anybody. smile

I love that stop.

bythewayok · 18/04/2019 23:24

@WhyNotMe40 I wasn't clear or helpful sorry.

What I mean is that once the MH/transition people get their hooks in and tell you you're fine and wonderful just a different sex there was littl you could do. I don't want you to ever think you didn't do enough. You did so much. It's just other voices can be more appealing and one will take that route.

This still might not make sense sorry

StopThePlanet · 18/04/2019 23:28

Datun

Wink
TinselAngel · 18/04/2019 23:28

It makes perfect sense by.

Ereshkigal · 18/04/2019 23:31

Another thing I wanted to say is that I do wonder how many of the TRAs that shout so loud to the detriment of womens rights do so as a distraction from their own issues.

Yes I've thought this before, I think it's definitely an issue with many of them, and I have first hand experience of someone I corresponded with for a while.

So sorry for your loss Thanks

StopThePlanet · 19/04/2019 06:27

For anyone dealing with grief of any kind, no matter new or old, I suggest you check out Nora McInerny's podcast Terrible Thanks For Asking.

Nora is quirky and fun while handling serious and painful subjects, she funds humor in pain and encourages everyone to stop saying that you are okay when you aren't.

Show description: "You know how every day someone asks “how are you?” And even if you’re totally dying inside, you just say “fine,” so everyone can go about their day? This show is the opposite of that. Hosted by author (It's Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too)) and notable widow (her words) Nora McInerny, this is a funny/sad/uncomfortable podcast about talking honestly about our pain, our awkwardness, and our humanness, which is not an actual word."

Podcast link (or find on Spotify et al): www.apmpodcasts.org/ttfa/

Be sure to start at the first episode and work your way through, you'll be glad you did. It might be heavy for some but cathartic for many (it is for me, sparks the flame for release).

I feel that transitioning contributed to my sibling's death.
Forgotthebins · 19/04/2019 06:35

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you have a close friend who can support you at the funeral. Thank you for sharing this information, that's important too.

Bespin · 19/04/2019 06:48

I am so sorry for your loss, there are meny people who feel transition will solve it all and this is never the case all you can hope for is that it will solve a big peace and that when you do that you will better be able to tackle the rest and there are people in our community who do tell people that it will all be fine when they transition which is never a garentee but sometimes people hear what they want to and dismiss the other bits. hopefully there are others of us how are realistic around this and that clinic's do paint a clear picture of expectations but it's easy to get carried away with it all and not get past it. greave for the person you knew however you knew them and consider all of there complicated life we are never just the one thing that defines who were were in the end.

TirisfalPumpkin · 19/04/2019 07:00

I think it’s a good point re militant trans activism as a distraction from a person’s own issues. I wonder if getting deeply into the activism side is part of the whole attention-craving behaviour pattern - since being trans in itself no longer alarms people, they demand more and more until people recoil, and then they can be in the victim role again. I think in a lot of cases they genuinely can’t control it - it is like an addict being manipulative, not because they are horrible but because they are ill.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss. Whatever you’re feeling is okay, and if you want to talk/rant, please go ahead.

I don’t think a bunch of MNers empathising with a grieving sister and lamenting the lack of decent MH provision for trans people is exactly the kind of material the screenshot brigade are looking for.

Mummaofmytribe · 19/04/2019 07:02

I'm deeply sorry for your loss and the very complicated grief you're going through. Losing a loved one to suicide is the worst thing I've experienced. I know you'll be feeling eaten up by the "what ifs"?
Please be gentle with yourself and avoid anyone you know will make this process worse for you. You're perfectly entitled to do that. You're suffering enough already.
Thinking of you

Catsrus · 19/04/2019 07:29

I've spent a lot of my adult life around people with addiction because of one family member (who did get and stay sober). My view is that they experience a hole at the centre of their being and are constantly looking for something that might fill it and give them a solid sense of self, new jobs, relationships, hobbies, drink, sex, drugs some of the things they try are incredibly destructive, others not so much .... it makes perfect sense to me that an addict might see transitioning as a solution.

Al Anon has 3Cs - I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it. To help families live their own lives, to detach. You might find it useful, at some point, to try an al anon meeting and listen to other people's stories of addiction in the family.

I wish you strength for the funeral. It is perfectly ok for the family to exercise a lot of control over how it goes. If you just want a family only, small event to remember the brother you lost then you are free to do that. You can say that a memorial service will be held at a later date and leave it to the friends to organise that. Funerals are for those left behind, as the family you should do what helps you grieve.

Lamaha · 19/04/2019 07:37

What an awful thing to go through. I'm so sorry you had to be so helpless against your sibling's problems. I'm sorry they did not realise that help would have been there, and it's not an quick fix, and that changing one "gender" for another was only dulling the pain for a while.

I do think that some people see transitioning as a 'fix', that life will be better afterwards

I've heard that there is a honeymoon period where they feel very happy. But long term, if there were mental health issues beforehand, they will nudge themselves back into the foreground.

OP, you are getting some sage advice here. I do hop you and your family find the strength to get back on your feet, even if it feels daunting now.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 19/04/2019 09:14

Fuck that noise! If you don't love flawed people you don't actually love anybody

awesome

Childrenofthestones · 19/04/2019 09:26

Whynotme40 wrote
"(I'm) not a HCP so probably talking shite, talking from grief, but there must be a better way surely?"

Don't put yourself down, there's a fair few HCPs talking shite currently.

slipperywhensparticus · 19/04/2019 09:34

You need to create a coping strategy for the people you will meet

I wasnt able to help myself "at least she died as she truly was!" My reply was quite frankly I dont think my friend ever found out who they were

slipperywhensparticus · 19/04/2019 09:36

And I'm sorry for your loss Flowers internet stranger I know but any loss is a tragedy for the people involved

TinselAngel · 19/04/2019 09:42

The more I think about it, it really is so sad that people are not getting the help they need and are damaging themselves, and others, in the process.

IMO, my ex found it too difficult to perform male gender stereotypes because of his relationship with his Dad. Rather than get help to deal with that, and come to terms with never being able to be what he thought his Dad saw as a real man, he decided to hide behind female gender stereotypes instead. And caused devastation in his wake.

And now scores of lovely young lesbian girls are going down a similar path. Sad

EL2019 · 19/04/2019 09:46

I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree that trans issues push other mental health issues to one side.

Someone I’m Facebook friends with about 9 months ago was posting loads about how they had met and married their “twin flame” and how in love they were. “That’s nice”, I thought. 4 months ago it became clear that this twin flame was an expression of a psychotic breakdown. Lots of posts about how the doctors were killing their twin flame with the medication they were being forced to take. Then 3 months ago they posted a copy of their discharge letter after being sectioned.
Then just this week they posted how they’ve had “the operation” and talked about having their penis removed and their new labia. Described it as feeling like 93% just been in a car accident and 7% euphoric.

I can’t believe they have been given such a drastic operation so soon after a psychotic break with reality. Who is looking out for their mental health? This was in a Western European country so not the UK so I don’t know the system there.

I agree with PP, as a close family member, don’t think as anything you could have done to change the outcome. It must be awful to feel so helpless when you see someone on a path like that.

SisterWendyBuckett · 19/04/2019 10:07

I am so sorry to hear about what's happened and am in awe of your insight and clarity at such a dreadful time.

It sounds like you've done everything within your power to support your sibling - and protecting yourself when you couldn't do anymore was very wise.

I can imagine how difficult the funeral will be.

I truly believe it is in your best interests to allow yourself to grieve for and remember the real person. To ensure that your truth about your sibling does not get denied and debased by anyone else.

Sending much love Thanks

Datun · 19/04/2019 10:34

Jesus EL2019, that's horrific. Like a dystopian film.

💐

BettyDuMonde · 19/04/2019 10:38

Just wanted to send love and light and say I hope the funeral goes as well as a funeral can.

Perhaps consider making your post into a letter to your sibling’s lead clinician and/or GP? Or or perhaps PALS?
You could make the return address a c/o one, so any replies can be via a trusted friend, and you wouldn’t have to receive or read them personally, if you didn’t fee up to it.

BicycleDynamo · 19/04/2019 10:45

If it's some help at all, your post has crystallised the thoughts/ concerns at the back of my mind about someone I know who is transitioning at the moment, not a close relative but still someone I could possibly talk to about their underlying and long standing mental health issues. I worry it will come crashing down when transitioning doesn't solve everything else.