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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

‘More acceptance’ of S&M needed

999 replies

Imnobody4 · 25/03/2019 10:05

talkradio.co.uk/news/more-acceptance-needed-sm-activities-19032230392
My morning isn't starting well. Haven't heard the programme - not sure I could stand it.

OP posts:
MsLucyLastic · 29/03/2019 08:57

@Furrytoebean sorry, I just saw your question. Yes I do condemn the eroticism of violence, and choking and beating. I dont think the latter two can be done safely. Maybe I am lucky but my Doms have always balked at the idea.

Ereshkigal · 29/03/2019 08:58

If it does the perpetrator is not a Dominant with a fetish. He is a criminal.

He can quite possibly be both. You can't "no true Scotsman" out of it.

Ereshkigal · 29/03/2019 08:59

Maybe I am lucky but my Doms have always balked at the idea.

From what I can see, you are lucky.

MsLucyLastic · 29/03/2019 09:02

It would be remarkably unselfish as the basis for a relationship, and you would think that for someone who didn't get off on the simulated violence itself, having to perform it anyway to satisfy his partner would be pretty repellent

Well if violence was being simulated perhaps so.....but spanking someone on the bottom with the woman asking for it more clearly isnt hurting her. If the woman was being hurt, everything would stop.

Ereshkigal · 29/03/2019 09:05

So there are only certain types of mild sanitised violence people should call BDSM? I'm sure that will be news to many.

MsLucyLastic · 29/03/2019 09:07

@Ereshkigal

*maybe am lucky but my Doms have always balked at the idea.

From what I can see, you are lucky.*

No. I am not lucky. I have just engaged in proper BDSM with a Dom. That is what it IS!

Ereshkigal · 29/03/2019 09:08

"Proper" BDSM? As opposed to the other BDSM where "breath play" is a thing?

Ereshkigal · 29/03/2019 09:09

There's no need to @ me while I'm on the thread responding to you. Could you not please.

MsLucyLastic · 29/03/2019 09:16

*Ereshkigal

So there are only certain types of mild sanitised violence people should call BDSM? I'm sure that will be news to many.*

No......because what is being done isn't violence.

It probably looks and sounds painful to have hot wax dripped on a body. Until you know that it is special wax which melts at a low temperature to avoid burns, and feels like whichever part of the body it lands on is being bathed. Looks violent but isn't!

Same for people who use clamps on various body parts. They squeeze rather than hurt. If they hurt they are too tight. They look painful but aren't.

Ereshkigal · 29/03/2019 09:16

You're cherry picking.

agirlhasnonameX · 29/03/2019 09:21

"Proper" BDSM? As opposed to the other BDSM where "breath play" is a thing?
In extreme cases people may play with strangulation, breath play, medic play, branding etc. That is not the norm though. Nor is it entered into lightly. Vast amounts of precautions and research are done. People who have been practicing BDSM safely for years may go on to experiment with 'edge play' but in most cases it is highly frowned a pon. Especially for those new to the 'scene'.
These things should not been seen as pillars for BDSM. There are a million and one things BDSM can be to a person and the majority of sensible people will not recognise these as acts as expected or safe in any typical relationship.
It is easy to google what kind of acts are involved in BDSM. It takes years to understand what it actually is and nobody can possibly obtain that information purely from a web page or a fiction book. Nor by looking at a small minority within a growing community.

Ereshkigal · 29/03/2019 09:22

Also you're derailing. Are you actually saying that you don't consider choking, simulating waterboarding, suspension etc to be "proper" BDSM? Does it need a licence? The point was that it is patently not true that it's all about the pleasure of the submissive.

agirlhasnonameX · 29/03/2019 09:23

@MsLucyLastic and those big nine tail floggers that look like they would slice you in half, but are made with leather so soft they actually tickle

Ereshkigal · 29/03/2019 09:24

Nor is it entered into lightly. Vast amounts of precautions and research are done

Bit of a sweeping statement, no? Don't you get a licence if you don't do the research?

MsLucyLastic · 29/03/2019 09:31

By proper BDSM I refer to Doms who know what the hell they are doing, noone being hurt, everyone being safe, limits always being respected, and safe, sane and consensual always.

Choking can be a type of breath play. But breath play is much more than choking. And isn't going to give someone a stroke or kill them. It has been described to me as the exchange of breaths so you are almost breathing for each other. Or something. Didnt pay much attention as Not my thing.

I am sorry re The @ thing. I thought That is how you were meant to highlight someone. But obviously, I won't do it.

I am now definitely out of this thread. Not because of the questions or subject matter, that is fine. But the underlying tone of snark, that some posters are addressing those of us who engage in BDSM in, throughout the thread, has become wearing.

Personally, my motivation for ezplaining is so that anyone, who is being hurt under the auspices of BDSM, knows that they are being assaulted and it is not ok. To encourage women to come forward.

I cannot do that at a cost to myself, though, of being snarked at and having posters trying tedious "aha! Gotcha" points throughout the thread. If posters were more interested in genuinely discussing than trying to score points to fit their own preconceived ideas, then I would stay.

I must admit, I fail to see why some posters have joined the discussion, when it is clear that there is nothing they feel they don't already know.

Anyway, thanks for the parts of the discussion that were interesting. The thread has been a fab example of how to get those into BDSM to tire and get to a point where they cant be arsed to say "not in my name" because of how they are spoken to. NOT the content of how they are spoken to. The TONE purely.

agirlhasnonameX · 29/03/2019 09:34

The point was that it is patently not true that it's all about the pleasure of the submissive.
No of course not. From the pleasure the Dom gives the sub, he receives his own pleasure.
Bit of a sweeping statement, no? Don't you get a licence if you don't do the research?
You don't fall under SSC if you don't do the research. No one should enter into anything where a Dominant is expressing interest in these from the offset. It's a huge red flag in BDSM and one I wish people who treat it as a fad would consider. When you have done research it is very easy to tell apart a Dom from an abuser 9 times out of 10.

HorsewithnoRhymeOrReason · 29/03/2019 09:40

I see enough spanked arses on my tumblr feed and it's horrible. Bleeding cracked skin etc. The posters of these images are clearly very proud of how far they have gone and how badly the spankee is hurt.

There are similar images to be found on that site of the self harmers proudly showing off their damage.

I heard on the news that such images will be cracked down on.

Why is it that we should be more "accepting" of harm done by AN other but not SELF harm?

Aren't they both mental problems?

WeRiseUp · 29/03/2019 09:41

'breath play'

What a fucking euphemism.

It is suffocation and strangulation. Some people are a bit fucked up and enjoy doing it or having it done to them.

But enough of this minimisation. It can cause brain damage or death.

HorsewithnoGimpMask · 29/03/2019 09:42

I unfollow such posters myself.

WeRiseUp · 29/03/2019 09:46

Aren't they both mental problems?

Exactly. So much of what we are supposed to 'accept' as 'harmless' is actually fucked up wrong-in-the-headedness. It isn't normal, it is unhealthy and we should push back against normalising such things.

Part of the thrill is because they know it is deviant and taboo. If you normalise and accept the soft stuff, people will only go further out to get off - more people will be harmed.

MsLucyLastic · 29/03/2019 09:49

WeRiseUp

'breath play'

What a fucking euphemism.

It is suffocation and strangulation.

Sorry, had to pop back to say: is it? Is that all it encompasses? Because I know people into breath play who don't use those two things at all. But I shall defer to your better knowledge.......Hmm

WeRiseUp · 29/03/2019 09:49

Also I think it is bullshit, this idea that abusers stand out more in BDSM circles than they do in normal life and dating. Its victim-blaming all the women who get abused.

WeRiseUp · 29/03/2019 09:51

So what is 'breath play' if not deliberately restricting oxygen for kicks (ie- suffocation or strangulation)?

MsLucyLastic · 29/03/2019 09:51

Wiseup so don't engage in it then if that is what you think. Clearly there is nothing you don't already know about the subject and you have made your mind up. BDSM isn't compulsory.

WeRiseUp · 29/03/2019 09:52

Suffocation = restricting breath around the mouth and nose.
Strangulation = restricting breath at the larynx.

What 'breath play' involves neither of these things?

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