Would you still cut your long hair short if your Husband/partner said NO!

[Londonhilary]

I would just like some opinions from other Mners, I am married to a loving husband who is a great dad and I am really happy in our relationship. I have long highlighted sandy blonde hair which I now wear pulled back most of the time so its easy and out of the way, I have my colour done every 3 months ish and the ends trimmed. I am 29 and havn''t ever really changed my look but with 2 DD's and full time work I dont have much time. Last week my stylist who is my cousin and I have known all my life came round to do my hair and she suggested that for New Year why don't I do something radical with my hair as she feels I do nothing with it anymore. She feels as I am small and petite I should be brave and chop the lot off like Michelle Williams and bleach it white blonde.
Michelle
She says it will be a fresh new look and short pixie hair is quite in, think Katie Perry and she feels it would be funky sassy and vibrant rather than just tied back. I quite like the idea as I think I will suit it and a radical new look sounds fun rather than just carrying on the same, so I mentioned it to DH, I was rather taken aback, he was so against it, he was quite nasty and said amongst other things that he didn't want his wife to look like a middle aged mum, which that style is certainly not. I was so upset and to be fair he did apologise but he still said things that upset me but did not say that I should do what I feel is best with my hair.
The question is should I go ahead and cut my hair short or just forget it and stay as I am now......what do you suggest?

It sounds a bit like you're getting railroaded into this haircut by your hairdresser because it's something SHE fancies! The whole feminist issue of whether or not your dh gets a say is an interesting debate but in your particular case it's a bit of a red herring.

Do you really want that haircut? Do you think Katy Perry looks better with a crop than with long hair? I have to confess I think very short hair is very ageing for women!

I wouldnt like it if my husband came home with a skinhead so i suppose he would have a right to say something if i was going to do something radical to my hair?

^This

My DH prefers my hair long. It was short when we met and I’ve gone long to short and long again over the years we’ve been together. When it’s short, I straighten it and it’s very groomed. When it’s long, it’s thick and curly and wild because it takes too long to arse about blow drying and styling. Its very long at the moment but I’m pregnant and I will be getting the chop at some point before the post-natal moulting starts!

I keep it long because I know he likes it and it’s no skin off my nose but when it becomes inconvenient to me I cut it. It’s my hair and he’d never expect me to have it long just for him, just like I’d never expect him to shave his beard or change his hairstyle for me.

If you genuinely fancy a change then go for it, it will grow back!

In answer to the OP: Screw. That. MY hair, MY body, MY choice. But I agree that you should consider the motivations of your hairdresser and the horrible tone your DH used. I would not tolerate anyone speaking to me like that.

I have almost waist-length hair (and I am a middle-aged mum, partly lazy and partly rebelling against the stereotype of short hair on older women). It gets cut twice a year purely so I can fit it under my swim cap. I've always been low maintenance in terms of hairdressers - have never been able to stand the chit chat or justify the cost. Some years ago I had the lot dyed deep mermaid green, just for fun and well before it was fashionable. Someone asked my DH why he had let me do that. He just laughed and said "Why on earth do you think I should - or could - stop her?". Tbf he also gives that response when people find out I swim outdoors through winter, spend hours in the dojo or run at night

These days I am going white disgracefully after a few months tussling with the idea of having to do maintenance and concluding that I'm far too lazy. It does get washed a lot due to sports but really doesn't take long to dry. I couldn't stand the upkeep for short hair.

Probably.

I had cropped hair for most of my life and the first 10 years of our relationship and every now and then he asks me when I'm going to cut it short again! I will at some time, though at the moment I think having it long looks better. But I think the time will come for cropped again, though I'd like to do something funky and asymmetric in between.

I once told DH I fancied cutting my hair short, he said he loved my long hair. It didn’t dissuade me. I cut it short.....I looked like a boy

Awful that your DH turned nasty, it is your hair. Have it how you want. Although be warned, it is a lot easier to tie hair back than have to style short hair every day.

Hi everyone, thanks for your opinions, it looks like I will be having the big chop!
To be fair to my cousin I do not pay her to do my hair, we are as close as sisters and as a Thank You I always give her a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc!
Once I am short and I need monthly trims she will just do it when she comes round. If DH would have said something like Honey I love your long hair I probably would have stayed long but I was so shocked and feel so strongly about it I am going to arrange for Cuz to cut it all off just like MW's between Christmas and New Year when DH is working, I do think it will be so much easier for me short especially as maintenance is much easier for me than most of us. I am not going to tell him on the morning I'm having it done but I will text him during the day saying that he is coming home to a sassy new cropped short wife. Do you generally agree that this is the best thing to do........

The comments on upkeep are a little misleading actually. I go to the barber every 6 weeks and pay just £12 for a good cut. Then I bleach it myself (which is easy when your hair is so short) and I top up the bleach monthly.

In terms of daily style, I wash and condition it and run a little coconut oil through it. That's it.

There is no faffing at all. And even if the roots are showing it isn't a problem - it looks fine because there isn't a clear parting.

Cheers for the fattist comments. You know what, there is no specific right hairstyle for fat people. you do understand we are all different, right?

I think going for a radical cut is a bad idea, it feels you are doing it because your cousin tells you (it was not your idea)and to "rebel" against your husband

Just do it for you, not for (or against) them

Personally I think extreme pixie cuts look awful 90% of the time

Don't do it just to make a point OP. But do it if you want to! Hair grows back, if you decide you didn't like it in the end I personally don't think it's a biggie

I also don't think uou should do it to spite him and make a point. Do it if you really want it, but the upkeep will be way more than you do now. Don't kid yourself.

I have cut my hair radically short before. I suspect OH at the time wasn’t overwhelmed but he honestly said do whatever you like it’s your hair.
If it’s not a permanent body modification (e.g tattoo) or painful (piercing) or surgery... I see absolutely no reason to do anything other than mention it to DH and then do whatever the hell you like. It will grow back! He will get used to it. I’m suuuure at some point he will do something with his hair/ beard/ clothing style that you aren’t a huge fan of. You can be supportive without something being your favourite!

I agree with the others

Do it for you and not anyone else

My DH loves my long hair and would hate it if I got it cut.
That doesn't make him controlling or creepy.
If I did get it cut or it fell out, he would still love me.

I can imagine a row if you just go and get it cut and then 'surprise' him.
I'd just talk it through with him, and tell him that's what you are going to do. There is an under-lying issue here - which will have to be dealt with at some time or other.

It just confirms how much is compromising about certain aspects of male/female relationships - that we end up playing roles that don't feel right or natural to the self.

I'm not really aware of the 'older woman short hair' thing...from what I see most women tend to cling to the socially accepted hair/clothes uniforms that they have been adopting since youth.

I first had my hair cut short age 9'ish - and loved the ambiguity, and thought it interesting that some people assumed I was a boy. I then cut it short for my 12th birthday - and loved the feeling of defying convention that elicited.

I've had it long, middling, black, blonde, purple, and all sorts in between, but always have returned to short. It's just me. I'm quite 'shapely' - but do have a long, slim neck, nice ears, and nice shoulders - so have always carried it well, I guess. Don't feel the need for big earrings or anything - but do like pendants and stones.

I like the not-conforming bit the best, though - and for me having short hair says "I'm me". "I am my own person". I don't exist just for men to fancy me. I like the feeling of liberation that comes with that.

I'm 53 now, but most people are surprised when I say that. The short hair and the feeling of personal integrity that helps to solidify, is a large part of the reason for that, I think.

Hair is a very personal thing for most people, and a large part of how we express ourselves and our values.

Do what you fancy. Your husband sounds young and immature in certain respects, but you obviously love and value him. He should also love and value, and even desire you, with short hair too. If he doesn't, then I'd say that there is an issue there which needs exposing.

I’ve never consulted my partner about my hairstyle. It wouldn’t even cross my mind. It’s my hair and I get it done to suit me and me alone.

This is my issue but I find the amount of men who like long hair on women to the point they’d be annoyed if they cut it a bit weird and creepy. Mind you having never had long hair ever it’s unlikely I’d have attracted a man like that in the first place

One day you will look like a middle aged Mum. What happens then?

One day, you'll be a middle aged man with male pattern baldness, so hair care won't be such an issue for you will it?

Not sure what bearing your snide comment has on whether she chooses to cut her hair now, but I'm sure you believed you were relevant.

I know that there are certain things about the way I look that DH prefers (glasses / no glasses, certain style dresses, heel height etc) and sometimes I take that into consideration when getting dressed.

But he also knows that I will wear what I want, and wouldn't dream of trying to stop me (partly because he knows how effective that would be...)

In terms of what to do, yes, I'd just arrange the hair cut and text DH during the day - maybe a photo of the work in progress...?

Do whatever YOU want with YOUR hair. It doesn't matter what your dh/hairdresser/hamster or anyone else likes, it only matters what you like.
FWIW I had long hair when dh and I got together and very short hair now. I've no idea which he prefers as I've never asked. He married me, not my appearance,

As soon as an OP starts with

"My husband is really loving and a great dad, etc"

I immediately bet my entire life savings on the rest of the post describing ways he is not loving or great, such as

"I mentioned it to DH, I was rather taken aback, he was so against it, he was quite nasty", etc.

That's why I'm a mumsnet trillionaire.

I'm currently contemplating a short hairstyle. I last had it short a few years ago and I did look awful - it was a cross between Clare Balding and Wincey Willis, and everyone said I looked really butch. DH didn't stop me and won't stop me changing my hair now, even though he prefers it a little longer. The fact he is trying to convince me to wait until after Xmas makes me suspect he has bought me a Dyson Airwrap, and knows I would regret the chop.

The pp who asked about chemotherapy and if your partner lost his hair, how it would affect your attraction to them - I hate DH's hair the day he has it cut, because I think it's too short. It starts to look better a few days in when it starts to grow back. When he was having chemo and it came out in handfuls, the last thing that I was thinking about was his hair. Even though he had bald patches, which he has never had, he was far more upset about it than I was. My attraction never wavered, despite him looking so poorly and much worse than when he has it cut short. It's only now that he has started to cut it again- after his last chemo regime he didn't cut his hair for 6 months because he was so happy it was growing back.

I wouldn't like it if my husband came home with a skinhead so I suppose he would have a right to say something if I was going to do something radical to my hair?

Bear with me ... there's a point to this somewhere, I promise:

A couple of years ago, my utterly adorkable but sometimes not perfectly socially aware boss decided to do just that. Well, he came to work rather than home; we don't live together.

I had to take the poor man aside for a moment to explain that - unintended as it might (and would) have been - any bloke would look rather like a neo-nazi sporting that particular do, but that his distinctively Germanic looks were not precisely helping. Poor sod wouldn't have looked at all out of place at a Blood & Honour event. He rather sheepishly admitted that his wife had said the very same thing the night before and that a colleague deeming the hair situation worthy of a "can we have a chat" moment settled it for him, but that he couldn't exactly grow the stuff back overnight. We spent the next month making excuses for why he regrettably couldn't make client appointment X and introduced the internal "mulled wine & business talk at the Christmas Market - in coats, scarves and, crucially, hats" meeting. The whole thing was pretty hilarious for the rest of us, actually.

The slightly serious thing about the whole Nazi-boss story, though, is this: appearances kind of have meanings. That doesn't mean you're definitely a neo-nazi if you're sporting a shaved head. You're also not necessarily a lesbian if you're a woman with a buzz cut or a hippie if you're a man and your hair is long, greying and frizzy. But people may assume that you are.

In that sense: I get why people might mind somebody else's hair. I wouldn't have been particularly keen on attending a meeting in my capacity as "underling of definitely a Nazi". It made me feel uncomfortable enough to point it out. And I wasn't even married to that man as well as fully aware that he's actually a Labour voter and most definitely not a Nazi.

This is obviously not to say that spouses should get to dictate their partners' hairstyles. They most evidently shouldn't. Spouses get to leave if they're sufficiently unhappy. Or to refuse to be seen in public with the other person until the air is sorted out. Or whatever they deem necessary which doesn't infringe on the other party's self-determination. I'm also not saying that there is not a component of sexism involved in whether or not women should have long hair.

What I am saying is that, yes, your hair can affect the image you project and this may make others more or less likely to want to be associated with you. It probably shouldn't, but that's kind of a moot point.