Abusive relationship 30 years ago

[DorisTrellis]

In counselling now about difficult relationship with grown son I realise his father was abusive to us both. How to feel strong and powerful now when I was so manipulated and powerless then? I need to forgive myself for not protecting my son as a child to move on with him now. Anyone recognise this?

I just want to jump in and say thanks to everyone for sharing their perspectives.

My sister is over a decade in to an abusive and controlling relationship. A few years ago she realised this (I don't think she's quite got a handle on how bad it is yet) but she wants to ride it out for the kids (and partly, perhaps, as a punishment to herself for - as she sees it - getting them all into the situation). Sorry about all that parentheses.

Anyway, apart from worrying about her and the kids and how they're coping, I have worried about what happens after and whether it will be possible for her to heal from all the years and years of it This thread has given me a lot of hope for the future and helped me to think about how I can encourage her to get help when she's ready. Thank you all.

This is an amazing thread, especially your posts katara

I need to forgive myself for not protecting my son as a child to move on with him now.
How could you protect your son when you didn't know what was happening? Your ex-h was telling you he loved you, you loved him, society was telling you marriage is hard work and your ex wasn't behaving lovingly, blaming you. So you worked hard to "fix" the marriage as you've been conditioned to believe is the right thing. But it didn't work.

The problem is your ex was abusive but while you are in the marriage you love them and believe they are trying as hard as you. So you experience cognitive dissonance and deal with that by denial. It's more comfortable not to face the fact your husband isn't who you thought.
medium.com/zero-infinity/cognitive-dissonance-3e6f63c36a

The denial is your subconscious trying to protect you. You couldn't help it. And because you were in denial, you didn't realise the impact on your son.

I'm concerned though that you are still carrying responsibility for your ex-h. You didn't cause the damage to your son. Your ex did. You did the very best you could at the time. This is all on your ex's shoulders - you need to try to make sure you don't carry his burdens for him.

Also - you don't say much about your son but your son may be unwittingly replicating coercive behaviours he saw modelled by his father when he was young. So the difficult relationship has been caused by your ex, not you. That's not your sons fault but neither is it yours. Might be useful to think if there's ways you can respond differently or talk to your son about it.