Important to be aware of how gaslighting works in coversations both in real life and on social media forums:
'50 Shades Of Gaslighting: Disturbing Signs An Abuser Is Twisting Your Reality'
(extract)
Gaslighting in Conversations
What does gaslighting look like in day to day conversations? It usually involves some form of the following:
Malignant repetition of falsehoods. As noted previously, repeating a lie frequently enough can become a way to reinforce and cement it as truth. Whether these lies are seemingly innocuous or potentially damaging, they can overwrite existing perceptions.
“You flirted with that guy. I saw you.”
“I am such a nice guy/girl. I treat you so well.”
“I told you, I was at work. You need to stop with these baseless accusations.”
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
Minimizing the impact or severity of the abuse. This is when the gaslighter has committed a serious offense against you and instead of acknowledging it, minimizes the impact the abuse had on you or the gravity of the abuse. Tell-tale signs someone is minimizing verbal, emotional or even physical abuse may sound something like:
“That wasn’t even abusive. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
“I didn’t hurt you that badly. You’re just being a crybaby. There’s barely a scar.”
“I didn’t raise my voice. You’re just misinterpreting things.”
“So what if I cursed? Are you a child? Do I have to censor myself?”
Projection and generalization – The gaslighter diverts the claim back to the victim, claiming that he or she is the one who “always” creates trouble, when in fact, it is the gaslighter who is perpetually creating chaos and refusing to validate the victim’s claims. The gaslighter then generalizes all of the victim’s claims and assertions as ridiculous or characterizes them as attempts to create conflict, as if conflict did not already exist in the first place. Common examples include:
“You’re just so sensitive.”
“You take everything so seriously!”
“You’re always causing trouble.”
“You just love drama.”
Withholding information and stonewalling – The abuser is unwilling to engage in the conversation at all and often shuts down the conversation any time a claim is made against him or her about their behavior. This might look like:
“I am done discussing this.”
“I am not going to argue with you, this is pointless.”
“This conversation is not going anywhere.”
“That doesn’t even warrant a response.”
“The fact that you’re accusing me of that says a lot more about you than it does me.”
Questioning their memory, emotional stability and/or competence – The abuser avoids accusations and conversations by questioning the victim’s memory or ability to comprehend the situation in an unbiased way.
They may say things like, “I don’t remember that. Are you sure you’re remembering that correctly?” even if the event just happened a few moments ago. They may call into question a victim’s awareness, or, if they’ve engaged in substance abuse coercion with the victim, may use that against them to ensure that no one would believe them by asking things like, “Have you been drinking again?” or “Are you off your meds?”
Other common phrases include:
“You really have some issues.”
“You need to learn how to trust people.”
“God, you’re crazy.”
“You need to calm down and think about this.”
“You’re blowing everything out of proportion, as usual.”
Bringing in a third party/the triangulation maneuver. Triangulation is the act of bringing in another person into the dynamic of a toxic interaction. While we usually talk about triangulation in the context of manufacturing love triangles, when it is used in gaslighting, it can manifest quite differently.
Triangulation (in the context of gaslighting) can be used to confirm the abuser’s version of reality and shame you into believing that you truly are alone in your beliefs and perceptions. It fuels a victim’s sense of alienation when another person (or a group of people – such as the narcissist’s harem) agrees with his or her distortions.
Malignant narcissists are prone to recruiting what the survivor community refers to as “flying monkeys” to agree with their perspective. They may bring these people in physically to confirm their point of view (“Hey Sandra, what do you think? Isn’t Laura being paranoid?”), or even mention them in passing (“Even Sandra agreed with me that you’re being a bit paranoid, Laura”). (continues)
thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/11/50-shades-of-gaslighting-the-disturbing-signs-an-abuser-is-twisting-your-reality/