How can I have it all without doing it all?

[ButterflyWitch]

Like many others I feel a bit conned with all the feminist messages I got growing up. Yes I got a higher education (PhD), a good job (I'm the breadwinner) married a good guy who's happy (theoretically) to treat me as an equal, had my 2 kids etc but 'having it all' has mean that I've ended up doing it all and I'm knackered!
I'm at a point in my career - recently returned from mat leave - and my company is undergoing a huge restructure. It's an opportunity for me to get a new job and potentially a more senior job (think senior manager to associate director). I'm more than qualified for it - and my feminist balls are quite happy to go for it - but in practice how can I manage a more demanding job when I'm barely managing as it is juggling the kids and the house and all the 'wife work' that automatically falls to me.
I would LOVE to go for a more senior job but I just can't see how I could manage at home? I guess the extra pay could pay for some help (cleaner etc) and DH could maybe drop some time at work if my salary increase would cover it?
I hate how these aren't considerations a man has to take.... :-(
I should add that atm I'm ft but over 4 days (8-6), luckily work from home with some occasional travel - but I still do the majority of school/childcare drop offs and pick ups. A more senior job would mean I would probably have to do more travel, back to 5d/week etc.

I just don't see how it's possible? Or do I suck it up for next few years and then spread my wings when kids are older??

In your shoes I would be very cautious about passing on opportunities to progress and earn more both now and more in future because your lower earning DH is entitled and lazy. The long term gain may be worth short term pain of sorting things out.

I've always said that every working mother needs a wife

Take the job. Buy in help. Give DH a kick up the arse to take advantage fo the flexible working options available to him. Tell him he owes it to the other parents in his company to set an example (as well, obviously, as what he owes you and your DC)

Other than breast- feeding nothing in running a home or bringing up children falls automatically on one person.

This bears repeating. NONE of this is inherently man work or woman work unless it needs a lactating breast, or a penis, and despite what many men seem to think, a penis is not needed to operate machinery.

The only tasks dh has to do in our house are ones I’m physically unable to due to current injuries from birth - heavy lifting basically. The only thing he can’t do is breastfeed the baby.

He comes from a culture where men are more equal and we spilt the load equally. Our work is one full time equivalent each. When we are home we split the rest - not each task down the line, but an overall half half split.
Equal leisure time, equal domestic input. If one partner finds themselves working and doing an extra shift at home while the other puts their feet up something has gone wrong. If after discussion of this, and a try at working it out, it doesn’t change, that’s when you ask if life would be easier without another dependent.

Working and raising kids is hard. It’s too hard to have an extra man baby in tow.

For me I would have to consider the change of working from home to being back in the rat race as such. You're working 5 over 4, how would you feel going back to 5 days a week? In an office, travelling, for me that would be too big a change but for the right money I'd do it! What is your price? Would you be paying all your extra income out to help with childcare/housework and would your husbands face be worth it at the end of the day if it was tripping him lol?

That's my factors to consider. Your husband is maybe a different issue but you seem like a really nice fair wife who is trying to help him cope as opposed to facilitating him. I do not facilitate my husband and he is on the verge of divorcing me because of it...... sigh

Sounds like you have an extra child in the form of your husband.