How can I have it all without doing it all?

[ButterflyWitch]

Like many others I feel a bit conned with all the feminist messages I got growing up. Yes I got a higher education (PhD), a good job (I'm the breadwinner) married a good guy who's happy (theoretically) to treat me as an equal, had my 2 kids etc but 'having it all' has mean that I've ended up doing it all and I'm knackered!
I'm at a point in my career - recently returned from mat leave - and my company is undergoing a huge restructure. It's an opportunity for me to get a new job and potentially a more senior job (think senior manager to associate director). I'm more than qualified for it - and my feminist balls are quite happy to go for it - but in practice how can I manage a more demanding job when I'm barely managing as it is juggling the kids and the house and all the 'wife work' that automatically falls to me.
I would LOVE to go for a more senior job but I just can't see how I could manage at home? I guess the extra pay could pay for some help (cleaner etc) and DH could maybe drop some time at work if my salary increase would cover it?
I hate how these aren't considerations a man has to take.... :-(
I should add that atm I'm ft but over 4 days (8-6), luckily work from home with some occasional travel - but I still do the majority of school/childcare drop offs and pick ups. A more senior job would mean I would probably have to do more travel, back to 5d/week etc.

I just don't see how it's possible? Or do I suck it up for next few years and then spread my wings when kids are older??

Tbh I think that the ‘have it all’ myth was an attempt at proving that women don’t need men. The result is a generation of women who have unreasilstic expectations of themselves and screw up their lives as a result. My parents had it all. They grew up i the ussr. They had no choice but to have high flying careers while trying to support a family because the government wouldn’t pay a reasonable salary and there was no free market private sector. It was shit. Children grew up with limited parent input. Parents were completely exhausted. Even with the help on grandparents and hired help people were barely scraping by. It’s not a way that any reasonable person would want to live. I just don’t understand it. Why would you want to put yourself in a position where you are forced to do everything in a half arsed manner?

Husband out, au pair or nanny in. Job done :)

More seriously your DH is being an arse. A lazy thoughtless self absorbed arse.
You have more earning power by the sound of things so he should step up domestically. It's so bloody obvious tbh.

I'm wondering tho if you're on a senior manager salary plus his income, how come you can't afford any support? Is your mortgage vv high? Or commute vv costly? You might find it easier to manage if you free up some cash for a cleaner or nanny.

I worked Ft as did my DP when we had DTwins and only managed it with a live out nanny. But that still left shitloads to be done and my DP did his fair share without demur because they were his kids living in his family home.

Oh and take the bigger job.

I don't know I think 'have it all' was setting women up to fail
In order for women to get a better deal men will have to make concessions and they don't want to

I predict that the next thing will be women being told they have to get to work and have babies or the human race will die out
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-46118103
There has been a remarkable global decline in the number of children women are having, say researchers.
Their report found fertility rate falls meant nearly half of countries were now facing a "baby bust" - meaning there are insufficient children to maintain their population size.
The researchers said the findings were a "huge surprise".
And there would be profound consequences for societies with "more grandparents than grandchildren".

Husband out - nanny in

We’re skint cos of a tough few years- difficult life shit led to ££££ of lawyers fees and house moves to get away from aforementioned life shit. (Also 2 lots of mat leave). We’ll be ok long term but incredibly skint for now

You must be paying for childcare now?

I’m not advocating you leave, but a discussion on what would happen if you were to leave and have joint 50:50 custody might be enlightening for him? Say one week withvthe kids each, alternate week. He’d need to do everything.

Could he maintain his job? Does he them see how your presence facilitated his career? Does he think the setup is fair?

For the second time today: this thread ...www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3082251-Men-whose-lives-are-facilitated-by-women-how-did-this-happen

Is enlightening.

If he can’t do basic childcare, that’s worrying and a bit pathetic. It’s also strategic incompetence- do it badly so no one will ask again.

So yes, a gigantic kick up the arse in order.

Yes - pay for nursery and childminder for before/after school

Thanks will read the facilitated men thread

With a more senior job it might be more cost effective to have a nanny for slightly longer hours. 8.30-6.30 is not unusual.

That would cover DH's hours.

Some great advice from others here.

One thing I would say though, if he’s out of the house 8-6.30 you’re not “the breadwinner”.

You may be the higher earner but you are downplaying his role in working and bringing in a wage, so be careful not to crush his spirit entirely when you talk about him cutting back his hours to facilitate you.

It’s not a gendered thing, for anyone working long hours, regardless of whether or how much they earn, they want validation that their work is valued.

You will get a better response from him by valuing the contribution he makes than by belittling his work because it doesn’t pay as well as yours.

Even as a SAHP it’s hard to hear that your work isn’t valued. For someone who’s out of the house for a full day it’s just insulting to be told they’re not the “breadwinner”.

I do think you should go for it and buy in help where you can to make both your lives easier but you also need a frank conversation about what he brings to the table at home and about contributing equally in any way you are both able.

It might be that your new role includes some travel, in which case he will need to step up with the parenting. There are breakfast clubs, childminders etc to assist with school run, but that shouldn’t be INSTEAD of him pulling his weight, but as well as.

guy who's happy (theoretically) to treat me as an equal

What does that actually mean?

If he’s treating you as an equal then it’s not theory. It’s reality.

I work more hours than him and earn double - why does that make him the breadwinner!?

I don't think women can 'have it all' to be fair, depending on what you consider 'having it all' means. I don't think you can have a shit-hot, high powered, high wage earning, long hours working job and be the mum you might want to be. But that's just my opinion.

He had the option of flexible working but chooses not to. He could wfm regularly and reduce his commute but chooses not to. He was meant to have applied for flexible working to cover drop-off and pick ups on Friday and hasn’t. I’m grtting annoyed...

Ginger good point but why can men have the big job and still parent as they wish?! (Cos the wife work is left to us!!)
But agree I need to decide and prioritise what’s most important to me

Sorry I’m not replying to every comment but it’s all appreciated

Maybe I should sack DH and get a wife ...

He's choosing not to cope with the kids. Working nicely for him.

OP I empathize so much. Am in a similar situation though with my husband he can watch our kid indefinitely... he just can't be bothered to do literally anything else around the house unless A) I specifically tell him exactly what to do AND B) he happens to be feeling great at that moment.

He has mental health issues. Stress, anxiety, depression. But ultimately I do think learned helplessness contributes. I wasn't born being able to cook and tidy - I had to learn to do it and I still struggle to do it all on my own (especially since he adds to the mess). And I am losing hours I could be spending on my career instead.

My long term plan so that I don't fall flat on my face in my career is to wait for him to finish his retraining and start making income again, then outsource house cleaning, quality childcare, and order out food more often.

One thing to think about is if you were divorced or separated would he refuse to watch the kids his days/weeks because he couldn't handle it? If you dropped dead? No he would step up, I imagine, or hire a nanny at least. Or maybe he would he move back with his parents because he can't handle the "wife work"? That seems to be the new thing...

Good luck. It's increasingly difficult to find capable people to share your life with I think. I would take the job. Tell him that you will need him to step up and take over some task. If he's not able to watch the kids without MH issues, then he can cook or tidy more to make up the difference.

Except you are not his equal.
You are better than him.
You earn more, you do more at home and you are more capable.

Even as a SAHP it’s hard to hear that your work isn’t valued. For someone who’s out of the house for a full day it’s just insulting to be told they’re not the “breadwinner”
Maybe the problem is that we still use the term breadwinner?
It carries the meaning that the highest earner is the top dog

@ginger you can....but it only tends to work in dual career couples who both place the same emphasis on career and who share household responsibilities equally. Well, that's what the research shows ( there's quite a bit of research on career theory and women)

It requires serious buy in from both and compromises along the way. It doesn't work well when people place salary as the most important aspect of their career. That can create a power imbalance.

He's really staying away from that working from home option isn't he
he really doesn't want to be thought of as a person who is available to do domestic work