DD hinting at being trans, I'm horrified but I need a specific piece of assistance please

[PeggyGuggenheim]

I've been aware of the trans disaster brewing for several years, alerted by rad fem friends almost a decade ago.

I'm now living the nightmare as my pre-teen daughter is heavily hinting to me that she thinks she may be trans.

I haven't handled it perfectly; she's always known my views so it's naturally very difficult but we have a strong relationship so we're just about managing, as long as we stay off The Subject.

However, I obviously can't just bury my head in the sand. She watches a lot of YouTube, and is on Instagram where she follows plenty trans people, so I am at a distinct disadvantage.

The specific help I need, is to be able to show her / share with her, some material that offers a counter-view to the one she is consuming.

I know there is LOTS out there for gender critical parents and I can quote chapter and verse on all the reasons why the trans ideology is harmful - but none of the sites out there are suitable to share with her.

The tone of voice of these sites is very often angry, exasperated, withering, with huge amounts of sarcasm and irony. Absolutely guaranteed to harden her in her thinking.

All the trans stuff online is so happy and fluffy and affirming, I know it's an unequal contest because what can we offer as a corrective?

Statistically she is most likely to turn out to be gay which is obviously fine but somehow "trans trumps gay" in the kids' minds now. So I can try to find cool lesbian novels / comics / sitcoms but I don't know how effective these will be.

I think other parents will be seeking this too. And for anyone else going through it, I feel your pain intensely because it is an utter, utter nightmare.

Thanks

PS everything crossed that Women's Hour manages to cover this properly tomorrow!!!!!

I have absolutely no experience of your situation but one site I have seen suggested is transgendertrend.com

I have 3 teens, none of them as "pre-teens" would get unlimited access to the internet. My 18 and 15 girls did not get a smart phone until they were 15 for the eldest and 14 for the younger one.

If you wouldn't invite these you tubers in to your home to sit on your couch and pontificate why is your child getting unmonitored access? You are allowing her to be brainwashed when her critical thinking skills are just not developed yet.

I think you are absolutely right that there is a gap where factual but gentle GC resources for yoing people should be.

I would suggest looking at Lily Maynards blog. Her daughter went through the same as yours but desisted. They both wrote a blog post together with both of their perspectives. I think you might be able to share that safely without it alienating your daughter.

Here it is

lilymaynard.wordpress.com/2017/11/06/my-first-article-a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia/

I’m afraid I agree with those saying she needs to be kept away from the internet.
Even adults struggle to filter the quality from the crap online. How is a child supposed to?

I also wonder why she has been able to see all this on YouTube etc.

Can you find healthy pre-teen things for her to do? Netball? Volunteering? Scouts?

I monitor everything my dd11 watches on the phone she has just got. Why are you letting your dd watch this stuff? Say no, you can't watch it.

You will get some excellent advice and similar stories from the Gender Critical Support Board set up for parents by parents.

I think you’re right that one of the major problems for parents of GNC children is that trans is so trendy. I would think seriously about limiting social media access - if she’s pre teen you really need to gain control over this. ROGD, as you’re aware, escalates quickly, and a major factor in how quickly is social media usage.

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/7362652/changing-gender-new-anorexia/

Lily Maynard features in this article as well as an interview with a young woman who detransitioned.

Bloody hell some responses are so unhelpful!

Other people will be along in a minute but as a starter for ten can I suggest the sites of cool young feminine men? One is called something like Feonne Orlander?? There is also a super-cool makeup artist whose name I have forgotten.

What is you fear? Drugs/surgery? Can you go along with everything else? After all it has always been normal and natural for a young * womanto go through a phase of insisting on being called a boys’ name...

Thanks for the blog recommendation.

I am not as good at internet rationing as I should be, and I know that's why we are where we are.

I do need to try and find extra curricular activities for her.

I think there are a few female detransitioners that have done videos talking about confused feelings leading them to identity as trans. Obviously you would need to watch first to see what was said.

4th wave now have some good pieces. I remember one was a detransitioned girl and her mum although they might be a bit wordy for a pre teen.

Otherwise I think you have to ride it out as with any other teen troubles by staying supportive by refusing to allow anything irreversible, dangerous or medical under 18. Clothes, hair pronouns and even an unofficial name change are not the end of the world and allow space for her to figure out if it's really that good of an idea.

I'm not suggesting for a second you bring up any of the above as suggestions but if she initiates a change I think those would be my boundaries as to what can be done as a minor.

There is a MNetter on here who has experience and I'm sure she will have some better advice.

No experience but hadn’t heard of lily Maynard. Very interesting blog- thanks!

There is a cbbc documentary that might be helpful. It is called 'what's a girl' and features a fifteen year old girl who doesn't conform to gender stereotypes. www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01rc1dy/my-life-series-4-5-whats-a-girl

This is the programme summary ...

A film about gender fronted by 15-year-old Shelby, who is not a 'girly' girl - and very happy that way.

She likes having short hair, lives in trousers, hates wearing make-up - and can't stand pink! Shelby never wanted to be a boy but, though she's confident now, being a different kind of girl hasn't always been easy. So what does it mean to be a girl?

In this film, Shelby explores her experiences growing up. While reflecting on her own childhood, her image and her life at school, she embarks on a journey, asking 'What is a girl?'

To find out, she meets different types of girls - toddlers in a nursery, who think girls have long hair; sport-mad Laila, who calls herself a tomboy; Meg, who adores ballet and dresses; and seven-year-old Anna, who loves skateboarding and dreams of being a pirate! These children are very different, yet each wants to be accepted simply for who they are.

Shelby concludes that a girl is someone who can stand out or fit in, who can wear what they feel comfortable in and shouldn't have to change their style to please others, and who's happy in her own skin.

How many hours a week is she allowed online and is her access unsupervised? I have a similar aged child and they have no access to the internet, unless we sit down together to research something, which we rarely need to do. As well as the advice on helpful resources mentioned on this thread, I recommend getting out of the house together and doing something outdoors. Get her out of her room and away from the screen. I know it sounds a bit trite but she is so young and it is a scary world online. I work in Tech and I am raising technically illiterate children. Deliberately.
I hope some of the resources others have posted are helpful. Good luck.

I’d dig out some good TV shows featuring awesome women (and specifically lesbians) that you can binge together. Buggy, Xenia, Supergirl (though only seasons 1-3), Grey’s Anatomy.

Lure her aware from the internet with TV and ice cream.

X posted XP and I see you’ve already acknowledged the internet issue. I would try to replace it with fun/interesting stuff rather than make a big deal about limiting it right now.

gendercriticalresources.com/Support/index.php

This is the board I’m talking about - sorry if it doesn’t come out as a clicky link. You need to register with them as they try to screen out trolls.

You know your daughter best and you probably have a good feeling of what will work, but with my own pre teen, as I said, I’d step away from
social media - even the positive stuff - as having all the answers, restrict the internet, and have some long chats in deep woods!

I have every sympathy for you and understand as well it’s difficult not to catastrophise - I did as well, but it’s a long road to the kind of horrible possibilities we discuss freely on here.

I know it's easy - but remarkably difficult to prise young children away from social media. If she's pre - teen then she's 11 / 12?

I know you've asked specifically for one piece of advice OP but if you don't mind, there's another suggestion that can be really helpful. AS far as is possible, get your daughter involved with anything possible 'hobby' / interest wise. She's still very young and is being exposed to age inappropriate concepts. So even though it means you may have to devote many hours doing things that you don't want to do fill her spare time with activities.
If you can't get her to join activities by herself / clubs, then start actively involving her with cooking, walking the dog, retail therapy, join a gym that accepts children, cinema / netflix, weekend trips, day trips - anything that gets her away from online life and places her firmly back in real life and in the family. So if that means more family activities, then so be it. That is where she will grow and learn her values and move out into the world from. She's too young to filter the pressures from online influences so you need to encourage her back into the family.
That way you don't have to specifically address anything about this yet - but it builds your relationship and most importantly her sense of self as well as giving her an alternative to online life.

Ooops - cross posted with lots of people including the OP

... sorry, meant to end, and my daughter came out the other side without harm. Yours will too.

speakingwoman Is the super cool feminine man you mean John MacLean?

My kids just didn't have free access to the internet at a "pre-teen" age. You can download apps which will show you everything she is looking at online and you can block it. Why is she getting free access to YouTube? Everything is on there. This is how social contagion is happening because parents are cluelessly letting their kids wander blindly into some of the darkest areas in terms of the ideology out there.

Please immediately take control over her internet use, my kids are still very oblivious to trans issues as they are very busy with athletics and socializing they just did not have access to the internet at that very vulnerable age and now they are well into their teen years so don't have time to sit staring at YouTube for hours.

The parents on transgender trend that had the most success at protecting kids that started thinking about transition was by completely separating them from their internet addiction.

There is a cbbc documentary that might be helpful

I'll second that recommendation - it's not too bad at all.

I think previous suggestions to find some detransitioned YouTubers might be a good thing (although check for suitability)

Also check her understanding - she might think trans just means dressing in boy clothes and doing boy things. You can support her in those no problem at all.

Sport?. Any chance of her getting interested in say girls football. You get all sorts of girls playing, including plenty of tomboy types. It’s a pain taking a child to training but anything that keeps them out of shopping malls or off the internet is good.