DD hinting at being trans, I'm horrified but I need a specific piece of assistance please

[PeggyGuggenheim]

I've been aware of the trans disaster brewing for several years, alerted by rad fem friends almost a decade ago.

I'm now living the nightmare as my pre-teen daughter is heavily hinting to me that she thinks she may be trans.

I haven't handled it perfectly; she's always known my views so it's naturally very difficult but we have a strong relationship so we're just about managing, as long as we stay off The Subject.

However, I obviously can't just bury my head in the sand. She watches a lot of YouTube, and is on Instagram where she follows plenty trans people, so I am at a distinct disadvantage.

The specific help I need, is to be able to show her / share with her, some material that offers a counter-view to the one she is consuming.

I know there is LOTS out there for gender critical parents and I can quote chapter and verse on all the reasons why the trans ideology is harmful - but none of the sites out there are suitable to share with her.

The tone of voice of these sites is very often angry, exasperated, withering, with huge amounts of sarcasm and irony. Absolutely guaranteed to harden her in her thinking.

All the trans stuff online is so happy and fluffy and affirming, I know it's an unequal contest because what can we offer as a corrective?

Statistically she is most likely to turn out to be gay which is obviously fine but somehow "trans trumps gay" in the kids' minds now. So I can try to find cool lesbian novels / comics / sitcoms but I don't know how effective these will be.

I think other parents will be seeking this too. And for anyone else going through it, I feel your pain intensely because it is an utter, utter nightmare.

Thanks

PS everything crossed that Women's Hour manages to cover this properly tomorrow!!!!!

Re internet use, it may be worth talking to school about what's permitted and how they use technology. My daughter's school brought in a total ban last year - phones go off and into bags as soon as they're on school property and are confiscated if seen. We thought that was utterly draconian at first, having lived on the internet since the 90s, but it's turned out to be beneficial - we've a much better chance of monitoring what she's got access to, and school don't have to deal with tons of online bullying.

And yes, thoroughly support involvement in sports. If you think there are underlying body image issues, Charli Howard's novel Splash is a great read for Y5-Y8.

Many of these poor kids get their notoriety and validation for being 'trans' - often aided and abetted by foolish schools who have swallowed the Mermaid's line of 'celebrating' and having assemblies etc to acknowledge a child's transition. It's so insidious.

Anything parents can do to ensure that their child sees themselves a child, daughter, son, sister, friend, dancer, gymnast, scientist, reader, writer, horse rider, footballer or anything that is emotionally grounded and healthy. Enable them to grow, keep them away from the toxic online groomers and ensure that as they develop and face puberty they do so from a sense of self and not using a warped adult 'performance' of masculinity / femininity as a reference point. And if that means restricting / monitoring online and switching off the router, then do it - especially for pre teens.

Has the op not been back?

And avoid getting a referral to the Tavistock which is the road to blockers etc.

I should have a good conversation with her. Some girls do not want to be boys, they just don’t particularly want to be girls and would rather not bother with all that it entails (busts, periods etc). Embracing an androgynous look might be the way forward.

I just don't understand why girls feel this way.

The world is so much more open to women these days - the opportunities that we didn't have when we were young because we were girls. I think that people are more accepting of gay/lesbians than before (if it's 'cool' to be trans then being gay is probably a bit boring then).

Maybe it's over sexualised social media and plastic pop stars to blame?

Being a woman is cool. You can be a welder or engineer. You can dress like GI Joe and take MMA. You can dress like Barbie and train to be a welder. Why not? You can be gay or straight, you can date men or women or both. You can change your look every day - ten times a day - why not?

I just don't understand why girls feel this way.

Laura Bates said that across the country schoolgirl rape victims were being put back into classrooms with their attackers because schools did not receive guidance telling them this should not be done.

Ms Bates told the Edinburgh International Book Festival that a rape a day in term time was being carried out in British schools

“I went to school recently where they had a rape case involving a 14-year-old boy and a teacher had said to him “why didn’t you stop when she was crying” and he looked straight back at her quite bewildered and said “because it is normal for girls to cry during sex”.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/playground-sex-assaults-are-becoming-an-epidemic-wcxh63tll

F*. That's horrific.

But this doesn't explain the tsunami of girls knocking on the doors of doctors and clinics adament that they are boys.

I think it's partly that ie the "rules" for gender are more strict than they have been for a long time.

Plus kids are being groomed online, if you're a bit of an outsider, a bit odd, you can have every aspect of yourself validated online by people who will tell you that you are trans and that is why you feel out of place. You are an outsider because you are trans and special, not because there is someone wrong with you.

Back in the day you because a goth, punk or skinhead.

Back in the day you because a goth, punk or skinhead.

Exactly. It's just the same now, except that the body modifications will leave more than just a few piercing holes.

Gender roles are really rigid at the moment for young girls in this country. How many girls aged 10-15 do you know with short hair, for example?

Peggy,

I would like to introduce myself. I am a 30 year old trans woman. I am not here to gloat, argue or admonish. I am here with a heartfelt message that will hopefully help you.

Whether your child is transgender or not, by pushing a certain ideology on her will make her feel like you believe it is bad and wrong to be transgender. If she truly identifies herself as trans, it will strain your relationship. I have been in your daughter's shoes.

It is better for you to be open and honest, but at the same time make her promise to be open and honest with you. Talk to professionals together. Doctors aren't as keen to move things along as people will have you believe.

The worst thing you can do is make her feel like she is alone, and whatever your intentions, pushing your beliefs onto her will not feel like it is coming from a place of love.

And always remember that your relationship is more important than your beliefs. Give her the space to discover who she is and keep asking open questions. "How are you feeling?", "Why do you feel that way?". There aren't pro-trans answers to this on the internet.

I hope everything works out for you. I wouldn't wish being transgender on anybody, and without the right support transgender issues can tear the closest of families apart.

This is an open, honest and solemn pledge: If you have any questions about what to expect, get in touch.

All the best

X

Kimberley I was wondering how many pre-teen or teenage girls you are currently raising?

I have an 8 year old stepdaughter living with me. I've known her since she was 1

Sorry if I've missed it but does she say that she wants 'boys' clothes, haircut, name, activities? That doesn't make her a man/boy - this was my sister when we were kids.

I'm thinking of mini Nicola Adams.

OP Nicola Adams is a fab role model for a non girly girl.

Isn't she great? Such a great character and role model for girls (and women).

I have been in your daughter's shoes.

Honestly, Kimberley, you haven't. You are you, a person born a boy who wanted to be raised and treated as female. The societal pressures on girls are very different from those on boys. I imagine you could offer good advice to a little boy in the position you were in, but not a little girl.

My sister was that kid. She is gay. Just boring old gay.

If you'd had offered her the chance to be a boy when she was 8 she would probably have taken your arm off. Now she is being told that men can be lesbians and (women) lesbians ought to have sex with men. I can't repeat what she says about that! 🤬

The little sister of a school friend was that kid. She was, I always assumed, going to turn out to be gay. Just boring old gay.

Now he’s a balding man, the spit of his (misogynist) father.

And a boy in my year - everyone assumed he was gay, boring old gay. He's now married (to a woman) with a handful of kids. So he was just very briefing old straight.

Kids eh?