I did a compulsory gender and feminism studies module at uni as part of my media degree. 20 years ago. We were asked whether we would ever use our sex to advance our career. The context being in any way including sleeping with someone. It was a particularly prestigious degree with the department being proud of its record on graduates being successful and going on to have good careers despite it being such a competitive field. Many of those on the course had well connected family members.
My group had 20 in it. Only one man. Would you like to guess how many said they would use their sex to get a competitive edge?
I learnt a lot that day. And not in a good way. It goes a lot against the #metoo narrative as well which makes me feel uncomfortable about telling the anecdote.
Yet it's what a bunch of 18 year old media wannabes were saying - perhaps very naively - and perhaps boastfully as a power thing, not realising what power they were giving up saying that. Certainly the sense was that if you wanted to be competitive as a woman, you had to be determined to do 'whatever it took'.
I do wonder what happened to them all and where they now work and how many did make it.
When I think of women in power now, I have moments when I consider what they compromised or gave up - which men didn't - to get to where they were. That's not to take away from their ability and talent. Indeed they more often than not are superior to their males peers. They had to do something more to prove themselves though. It wasn't good enough to be good, you had to be 'better'. That competitive edge...
It's a hard one to say, as it goes against what I'd like to believe. It pains me to acknowledge something which sounds like it's straight out the MRA handbook. And yet... I was there. I can not deny the reality of my experience. It put me off the idea of feminism as a concept for a very long time. "Hey Girl Power!"
It didn't sit right and well with me. I never fully reconciled with what they said and what I felt. Incredibly disappointed and as if I never would have a change to exceed just by being me. At the time I was having a bit of a crisis about being a woman full stop. I hated it. I starved myself. I was hugely depressed. All my interests were 'male' interests. And I didn't like the way I looked. Yet I had 'perfect' hourglass figure I deeply resented. I had a real lack of confidence.
I tried for a long time to do whatever to fit in with others. I over compensated at times. Threw my heart and soul into friendships and got burned when it didn't get appreciated.
I don't really know where I'm going with this post. It made more sense when I started it.
I guess my point is what route did Ruth take? Did she feel the same conflicts and pressures I did? Did she feel she had to over compensate in certain areas? Did she have to prove herself more than other? Did she have to 'sell out' or compromise herself? Maybe none of these. But I still wonder...
She is a woman, a lesbian at that, who works in a high profile media facing role in a male dominated arena.
I shouldn't be even pondering this, 20 years after that tutorial session. If we had equality with men it would even be a thought in my head to have. Its not about those 18 year old kids at uni. Nor is it even about Ruth's spinal rupture. It's about the reality of being female and not ever being able to escape your sexual availability and how it's currency in the workplace.
It's inescapable regardless of how good, capable and deserving you are. And that hasn't changed in 20 years.
You just have to switch on a reality TV show to know that. Any. Without exception.