Daughter with ROGD - issues with school

[Hoggirl765]

My daughter presents with ROGD. Her school is going forward with affirming this by way of calling her by her boys name and male pronouns. That's all so far. This despite our repeated requests to step back and watch and wait - to go at our pace as a family (basically back off). She has had a lot of emotional upheaval in her short life and has always found it hard to fit in. We have found a wonderful counsellor and that's all we're prepared to do at present. She is just 14 and at present is very enthusiastic and keyed into her school work and in general seems happy. No self harm etc. The school have caused us as a family so much unnecessary stress and then said that's it you'll have to wait til September now. If it wasn't for the excellent teaching we would be moving her. Has anyone else has experiences with unsupportive, insensitive or unsympathetic schools?

If you can monitor the use of the internet thats fine, but tha may be harder than it sounds

Most schools use something like this

www.rm.com/products/online-safety-tools/rm-safetynet

I would hope schools can recommend something equivalent for home Internet connections.

And there's another threat.

THE MOTHER HAS A CARE PLAN.

THE SCHOOL SHOULD BE CO-OPERATING WITH PARENTS AND THERAPISTS ON THAT CARE PLAN.

End fucking of.

If you don't have advice on how to get a school to act co-operatively with a parent with a care plan, you have no fucking business being on this thread.

Stop bringing ideology onto this thread. It is a support thread for a mother with a specific problem.

watching and waiting doesn't mean affirming though.
A teenager being treated as their gender choice is not going to help them work through a difficult period of time.
It's not possible to change sex. It would be incredibly harmful to allow anyone to think that humans can change sex because they want to. I would argue that going along with their wishes would be far more harmful when the info they're getting is from dubious, grooming adults on the Internet.

According to who?

The Royal College of Psychiatrists who say that no child should be pressured to behave in line with the gender assigned at birth.

Refusing to respect a child with a gender identity which doesn't match that assigned at birth is clearly applying the sort of pressure the Royal College advises against.

If you don't have advice on how to get a school to act co-operatively with a parent with a care plan, you have no fucking business being on this thread.

Totally disagree. So far as I am reading on this thread the school has followed watch and wait guidance. Why do you believe the school is wrong?

I am reading the book TRANS: Exploring Gender Identity and Gender Dysphoria: A Guide for Everyone (including professionals)

There are very useful introductory chapters by Dr Az Hakeem

There are also essays by a number of people with different perspectives. One of these is a transman Luka Griffen who set legal precedent in Australia:

In his essay Luka describes the discomfort felt as a young person and then as a teenager during puberty and the associated physical changes

Luka identifies the internet and YouTube specifically as been how he made sense of his feelings. referring to
‘How I knew I was trans’ , ‘Quiz: are you trans?’ and a YouTube video called,‘ How I knew I was transgender (and some advice on coming out)’ by Skylar Kergil which Luka describes as resonating completely with all of his feelings.
Luka describes a moment of epiphany,
"I felt so much relief. Because somebody actually knew how I was feeling, it helped give me a new understanding of myself. Some of the confusion, frustration, and anxiety was easier to deal with, just knowing there were other people in the world who felt like me. It was like a light had been turned on in my mind. I knew I was a transgender man, and I knew that I didn’t want to be called by my birth name."

Having read this essay, I searched YouTube 'Am I transgender?'.

Many of the top rated videos are by young transmen. I watched a few and was struck by how many said, 'If you're asking the question, you probably are'

There are also a great many similarities in these young people's YouTube narratives and advice including 'try out the pronouns and see what happens'. This may primarily be about how the young person feels but would also include the response that they got from the request / requirement of others.

Presumably a follow-up by many might be 'my friends / school / family' won't use my preferred pronoun what should I do?'

source:
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The book was mentioned on the thread & I recommend it (profits are for a MH charity):
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3303573-This-is-what-the-Portman-Clinic-had-to-say-about-Gender-Transition-in-2002

Snappity

For a child who thinks they are trans, how about........

Some people feel alienated from their sex for a short period of time, others for longer. For some people, using a different name and pronouns helps them feel more comfortable. At the moment, we don't know if the alienation you are experiencing will be short or long lived. Until we do, it is worth keeping all options open.

Apologies, source of photos is
www.amazon.co.uk/TRANS-Exploring-Identity-Dysphoria-Pulling-ebook/dp/B079NKJ22B?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Snappity, I know basic comprehension is an issue for you, but just really, really try to understand that the OP isn't being pressured to behave in line with a 'gender'. I appreciate that your religion teaches that everything should be seen through the gender lens, but a parent helping an actual female child accept her sex while presenting however the heck she likes is not a parent forcing a gender on a child.

Now we've cleared that up, do piss off with the creepy threats, there's a love.

Snappity The Royal College of Psychiatrists who say that no child should be pressured to behave in line with the gender assigned at birth

You won't hear any criticisms on this from GC feminists!

If my school-aged child was on incel forums I would be taking action to stop them, if my school-aged child was on pro-ana forums I would take action to stop them, if my school-aged child was on forums for a cult that required changing your name, how you look and body modification I would take action to stop them.

I would be horrified if my child's school supported them in being involved in these groups however much my child identified with the actions of these groups.

It's called "parenting" and it's not illegal, no matter how much unrelated adults on the internet would like it to be.

Some people feel alienated from their sex for a short period of time, others for longer. For some people, using a different name and pronouns helps them feel more comfortable. At the moment, we don't know if the alienation you are experiencing will be short or long lived. Until we do, it is worth keeping all options open.

Totally agree with that.

I think that calling a child by the incorrect pronouns amounts to affirmation.
This is not cautious. The op is rightly terrified that their child will be put in the position where it is more difficult to change their mind, as we know so many children do.
The end result would be to put the child on a course of lifelong medication. I'm sure that no one wants this for their children.

You won't hear any criticisms on this from GC feminists!

Except it seems in terms of things like gender pronouns.

What ever happened to supporting their child? We should be listening to what our children want to do and make our decisions based off that.

Yes, and that decision is often going to be "no fucking way".

Of course it is, Eresh. In a rational world (and not Planet Snappity)

Except it seems in terms of things like gender pronouns.

Recent thread re gender pronouns on FWR board.

OP Snappity wrote:
"The Talk Guidelines have done little to improve things. The majority of threads are about trans matters and very few, if any, positive. Misgendering is increasingly rife. "They" for a trans woman is as bad as "he".

Even the sex of trans women with female birth certificates is not respected.

There is post after post that trans women are not women and that sex is biological and cannot be changed (totally ignoring that many aspects of sex can be changed).

Then increasingly material from elsewhere which is anti-trans is being linked.

While individual comments are fair enough, the sheer volume means that FWR is a thoroughly unpleasant place for the majority of trans people and those of us who have trans family members."

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3305954-FWR-more-unpleasant-than-ever

I think minimising and/or stopping the internet working over the summer is a very good idea. It is certainly not ‘abuse’ - and it doesn’t need to be framed as a ‘punishment’ - but as something you do as a caring parent which would be the same as not letting children just eat cereal all day (I say as DS watches tv and I Mumsnet). The social contagion element of this seems huge to me. Anything you can do, OP, in the off chance you are still reading, to try to get your DC out of their head and into the world where ‘gender’ isn’t everything, could be very helpful.

This is not cautious. The op is rightly terrified that their child will be put in the position where it is more difficult to change their mind, as we know so many children do.

It is wrong, I think, to ascribe a view on that to the OP.

But taking the point in generality, isn't the key to accept the gender identity a child puts forward quickly, completely and without any fuss while saying that if s/he changes his/her gender identity in future that will also be accepted immediately, completely without any fuss. Doesn't the acceptance of the first expression of a gender identity give a child confidence that anything will always be accepted?

Isn't the danger if a child comes to believe that a parent won't be flexible? Isn't that what might build in a fear of de-transition because the child doesn't want the same fuss and objections they encountered in the past?

Silly Eresh, mums aren't allowed to say "no", they're women!

Also I have to point out that Lang has very clearly asked Snappity not to engage with her further multiple times, including asking not to be directly quoted as that's obviously intended to provoke a direct response, and that boundary is still not being respected.

Genuine question for Snappity.
Given that so many children change their minds, and that the drugs involved have so many terrifying side effects, no to mention the prospect of surgery to remove healthy body parts, breastbinding and its harmful effects on breast tissue, etc -
Why would any adult not advise caution?
Why are you so keen to see children propelled down this route before they are even old enough to drink?

What are the many aspects of sex that can be changed?

Children come up with a lot of daft things. Parenting includes not indulging them.