The mother of Tom Daley's child

[Pratchet]

Congratulations on a healthy baby! Hope the birth went safely and that you are recovering well.

I just hate surrogacy in case you can't tell

My sister was a surrogate for our brother and his partner, was the kindest thing she could do. I'd have happily done it myself but I struggled just to have DD.

I don't see the problem, everyone is happy and I think my sister is a complete superhero! Neither she nor my bro ever had any problems as a result and my niece is very well looked after. I can't see how anyone could say that was wrong, my sister didn't feel like a 'rent a womb' or whatever. DS and DB are closer as a result imo.

Just my anecdotal experience of course but a good one!

And don't start blaming it on some ridiculous "primal wound" crap
I'm not convinced about that theory in the form it's usually presented but the idea that your birth parents couldn't get their act together to put you first/society forced them to give you up/your legal parents didn't think your other biological parent was important is going to be a source of distress really, now, isn't it?

Starlive

Your nieces/nephews will know who their biological mum is, and dad. Your sister wasn't paid I presume, or wasn't JUST paid, she did it from love.

Totally different.

Star But in your case the child will grow up knowing their genetic mother, and having a relationship with her.
That is very different from having the mother on the other side of the Atlantic. A link can be forged if both parties are committed, but it won't so easy.

Starlive what your sister did was the definition of true altruistic surrogacy. This was commercial surrogacy where they deliberately chose a different country to circumvent UK laws so not a comparable situation.

I think you are deliberately obtuse Lass. GC isn't a term for 'woman', it's a term to describe her particular role in this process.
If you don't want to talk to me, that's your prerogative - I have thought about everything you have said and reserve the right to disagree with you.

Your brother and his partner would have considered your sister, talked it over looked into it. Your brother and partner didn't go through an agency to rent a womb and they did't go on record as saying the UK surrogacy system was flawed meaning it didn't suit them . I think what many posters are saying is the buying a womb space without acknowledging the woman is unethical and dismissive which is what I think

The woman is the mother. As simple as that.

I am thinking of the comments which seem to think that children will be traumatized by being cared for by anyone except a biological mother, or that not giving a child breastmilk is some sort of abusive act.

It’s not so much ‘not being cared for by bio mum’ as ‘not having to suffer the loss of’. There is a significant amount of evidence for the ‘primal wound’ type damage.

In adoption circles, everyone is very clear that even babies relinquished or taken into care at birth suffer significant trauma and loss. Quite why that’s unsayable in surrogacy circles, I’m unsure. (Well, I’m not at all unsure, it’s because it doesn’t fit the desired narrative.)

I have been a surrogate, twice.

Nothing vulnerable about me...

Does Tom Daley’s baby have a mother? If you were to ask the two men, what would they say? Is there a mother?

How would you feel if you knew your parents had bought you from your mother? Because that is the reality.

@NonSuchFun
I am a relatively wealthy woman (double income household takes us over £100k pa) and I had two babies for my friends.

Littlest is just over 1 yo and the eldest nearly 3.

I did want or expect any public plaudits or shows of gratitude. We shared them in private and I know my friends love me and my family for what we helped them
Become.

I am an out and out feminist and would t have had a baby for a gay couple because my first instinct was to help a sister out.

Not that I think gay/surrogacy is wrong/bad, just not where I was coming from.

So try not to tar us all!

Mine craft: that's different in every way. What a loving and generous act.

Kokeshi123

children will be traumatized by being cared for by anyone except a biological mother

There are people on this thread who have been traumatised by this. Do you think their experiences are statistically insignificant or do you think they are mistaken or lying about their trauma?

The bulk of your post was focusing on surrogacy and outcomes of surrogacy in general. This will include altruistic surrogacy where the mother is known/ family and where re child will be aware of the story and how and why. Very different from commercial surrogacy.

What impact do you imagine it would have on a child to grow up knowing that your mother was paid to grow you and then hand you over?

I am with @Didoandherlament The rights of the child future emotional seem to be little considered in these situations and I am uneasy about this couple, not because they are gay but because I am not convinced they can give a longterm and stable life to this child and are acting out of ego and personal desire.

@kokeshi123
From what I can gather from the limited information I was given:
No substance or alcohol abuse problems in my birth family.
No violence, both middle class oxbridge postgrads with no mental health issues or history, supportive families.
I wasn't "taken away", I came at the wrong point in their career.

It seems unlikely that the very real separation trauma and separation anxiety I experienced from around 5 up until the age of around 20, that caused me to be hospitalised frequently, was due to my inferior genetics.

The many drs, psychiatrists, psychotherapists etc I was in contact with over the years were all independently positive it was BPD caused by separation trauma.

To suggest that loss of ones parents isn't the cause of many problems and great anguish is laughable.

In adoption circles, everyone is very clear that even babies relinquished or taken into care at birth suffer significant trauma and loss. Quite why that’s unsayable in surrogacy circles, I’m unsure. (Well, I’m not at all unsure, it’s because it doesn’t fit the desired narrative.)

YY

Also things don't always go to plan. My adoptive parents received a baby a few months before me. Because of the six week grace period at the time the birth mother decided to take the baby back. The adoption agency desperate to make the situation better pushed my parents back to the top of the list and they received me shortly after.

I think my mother was probably quite traumatised by the whole situation and trying to bond with two different children in a short space of time. I never really developed a great bond with her.

I discovered the 'lost' baby when I found a stack of photos as a child, they had a baby in them wearing the same clothes as I had in the same baby chair in our home. It's something I found very disturbing as young child because it introduced the notion that you could be taken back (although I realise as an adult that's not the case once it's legalised).

Further to this, I tried a few years ago to track my adoption records but the LA cannot find them. The conspiracy theorist in me wonders if something dodgy occurred to secure my parents a new child so quickly after the first one went back.

Some people seem to be forgetting that the baby will be remaking with one of it’s biological parents.

Remaining.

They aren't planning to find out which one of them is the biological father though, or let the child know.

@ovahere The letter from my social worker giving an outline of limited information is full of contradictory facts, and I also reached a dead end whilst trying to retrieve my actual records to seek clarification on some of these points, also a couple of years ago.

Tin foil hat firmly on!!

Interesting @Broadbeans sadly I suspect it's not uncommon in historical adoptions.

Sounds like a terrible set of circumstances for you and your mother too.

How utterly dreadful.

The fathers don't want to know who the biological father is so the child won't know either which is selfish imo