A temporary cessation of hostilities

[ScarletBegonias]

I know how serious all this is – but there may be no harm in a little light relief from time to time.

So - has anyone else found themselves watching the football and fantasising about a game between Trans Rights Activists (or whatever they’d like to call themselves) and … shall we say … a Mumsnet Team of Everyday Radical Feminists? (Or maybe a team called Spartacus?) After all, there was a temporary cessation of hostilities at Christmas 1914 during which English and German troops apparently played football with each other.

Here are some extracts from how the commentary might go:

“That was a dangerous run by Munroe Bergdorf, neatly blocked at the last minute by AngryAttackKittens.”

“Keeper Jane Fae has put the knitting down in the corner of the net as Datun steps up to take the penalty.”

“SwearyGodmother has been shown a yellow card for something she said to the referee.”

“Bowlofbabelfish, Spontaneousgiventime, and LangCleg are in the wall as Paris Lees gets ready to take the free kick.”

“We can see how important the preparation was, with R0wantrees briefing the team on the opposition’s tactics in previous matches.”

“The referee is running over to an incident involving the realposieparker and Lily Madigan.”

You can paint your own mental pictures of what the spectators might look like!

Okay. Back to reality.

It’s getting heated now as team Sportacus are crying foul. Again. It seems that Jane Fae, turning up for all the teams as it means Jane gets to be on telly, is subbing for Mermaids and has skewered a FPA on their knitting needle. The FPA doesn’t deflate as all the hot air is retained by its former host. Jane runs down the pitch with it and lobs the FPA, knitting needle and all, at goal. So many of team Sportacus are complaining to the ref that there’s a chance it might even the score...

Yes let's all laugh at the trans people.

Everyone is screaming for a level playing field but big pharma - the financial clout behind Team Mermaids - will have none of it. They are bringing on a new player, Tess Tosterone, who is being used as a last minute boost to the team's chances.

Oh wait, is it going to be a save? In an interesting turn of events sanctimonious handmaiden steps in to fight for women and girls. Saves what could have been a game changer.

And the Reddit team step up.

Confusion abounds as they try to introduce American Football rules, staring outright at Team Sporticus who are necking the gin.

Both teams make it through the anarchy to agree on the pronunciation of the word "ball" - but whats this? Yes. Yes I'm hearing a time difference - and they're gone again.

And now... someone's trying to change the ongoing game completely, into a cricket match. Sportacus supporters cheerfully start plying them with a variety of teas and cakes as tea is the only discernible point of cricket.

Then Team Mermaids' captain tries to make it less confusing for Team Sportacus by explaining it is like a beauty pageant with wickets and spherical objects.

No one is the wiser. Burns gives a withering look.

The Handmaiden team is beginning to arrive. They will say and do anything to get the ref to change his mind. The VR has more balls though.

A dutiful moment's silence for all those soon to be lost in action after three strikes or participating on this thread.

A rousing rendition of God Save The Queen-King-and/or-MultiNonGenderedMonarch, since no one dares question Their Majesty as to their Innate Gender Identity.

And we're back!

...The cameras are zooming in on some commotion in the crowd now. A team Mermaids supporter has grazed their knee on the bleachers when they were getting up to grab another beer. Naturally, the blame falls onto team Sportacus. It is abundantly clear that despite no Sportacus fans being directly involved in the incident, they deserve be punched for having the temerity to be at the match.

Drs Christian and Adrian immediately attend the scene. The injury requires one whole plaster. This is, of course, a human rights violation on par with torture. They lead the Mermaids fans in chanting: "Mermaids are the winners! There is no game!"

In the commotion no one notices the score is 3-1 to Sportacus.

Would this game take place at Millwall?

Ok well it's going to penalties.

Both teams take a much needed break.

Officials are being bombarded by requests for humour suppression by new entrants to the ground and in an attempt at distraction introduce new rules.

1. Oranges soaked in gin are not allowed. Needless to say this had not gone down well with team Sportacus (their pearls have already been confiscated FFS)

1. Use of a penis beaker is banned; some members of team TRA are in uproar

On the upside, sales of Pombears have saved the company from potential bankruptcy and we've heard from very credible sources that a contingent of Elderly Korean Ladies believe they've never had so much fun since watching a shed being dismantled.

The injury requires one whole plaster.

Meanwhile, in the neighbouring stand, someone's feelings get hurt - someone calls 999 and a full helicopter ambulance complete with a medical team, lands on the pitch. The local A and E is cleared and it's touch and go whether they will make it.

Team Mermaids' captain Green takes the opportunity to network with Dr Christian about procuring pharmaceuticals.

Mimmy has decided to take the opportunity to try to chat up the VR. SF sees what's going on and shrieks exterminate, exterminate. The Sporticus team hear this and hide.

The handmaidens lead a hunt for team Sporticus, but get hopelessly lost in the stadium because directions are social constructs...

"Elderly Korean ladies/shed"

I'm LOVING this thread.

❤️ Sweary.

This is the funniest thread I've ever read on Mumsnet! Anyone mind if I try to edit it into a cohesive narrative? We need to publish this it's hilarious!

SwearyG
Is forever cemented in the Sporticus Hall of Fame

And the officials are in meltdown by that tackle from Sweary.

It's going to a VR and we've heard that super ref Justine is going to make the final decision.

Sportacus supporters are now threatening to leave the grounds if the red card is upheld.

The Twitter, Mewe and Reddit sports leagues are actively putting in bids for Sweary and we wonder if the Mumsnet league can withstand the recent losses of so many high ranking players....

This is truly hilarious.

Ohhhhhhh. Germaine has turned up. We eagerly await her wise words about the proceedings...