Should I change my last name?

[lavenderlove]

Hi,
I'm getting married really soon and it's just sort of dawned on me that my last name is assumed to be changing.
I was ok with this at first but now it's getting closer I'm feeling a bit weird about it. I've brought it up with my OH and he seemed a bit put out that I wouldn't want to adopt his name.
I would feel more comfortable hyphenating my name with his name. Sounds silly but I don't even know how it works. Once your married do you write the name you want to go by on your marriage certificate? Or does that come at a later date?
Also I would love to hear the reasons you changed/ kept/ hyphenated your name.
Thanks

There is already a thread about this. I kept my name because it is my name.

he seemed a bit put out that I wouldn't want to adopt his name

Ask him if he'd be happy to change his name to yours. If he wouldn't be thrilled to do that, then he doesn't get to be put out at you not being thrilled either. And if he is thrilled to do that, then you're sorted!

(I kept my name. Reason: it's my name! Changing it would feel as weird as changing my first name.)

Your name on your marriage certificate will be the name you use prior to your marriage, and therefore you will sign it with the name you use prior to marriage. (Unless you change your name by deed poll before the wedding date, your marriage certificate is your proof of name change, so your name can't change until you have that (obviously that's based on a woman taking her husbands name solely. Deed poll is required for all other varieties of name change- hyphenating, combining names, same sex couples).
Personally I always knew I'd take my husbands name. It's just something that meant a lot to me. We'd discussed having a baby and getting married. We were lucky and found out we were having a baby. We then agreed we wanted to be married before the baby was born, so we were engaged for 3 months and planned the wedding in 2. I had my second scan after the wedding and the first thing I did was change my name so the scan pictures reflected that (I was gutted the first ones don't as we weren't married then).
I love being a mrs and having my husbands name. To me that's part of being married and I don't see the point of getting not sharing a name. I don't see it as just my husbands name, it's our family name.

Sorry @LassWiADelicateAir I didn't see the thread. I agree, it feels weird to change my name.

happymummy12345, out of interest, did your husband ever consider changing his name to yours?

Keep your name OP. It's your name. And don't listen to any claptrap about your name being your father's name, not yours. No one ever says that to men.

@53rdWay he would in no way be happy to change to mine or hyphenate! Which I think is ridiculous as he's expecting me to do this. He keeps saying "most people say I can't wait to be Mrs surname" when they are getting married. As if I'm somehow wanting marriage less than them, because I want to keep a connection to the name I've grown up with.

he would in no way be happy to change to mine or hyphenate!

Then ask him to come up with a reason that isn't pure sexism.

@happymummy12345 thank you for the explanation! I totally understand why that is important to you. I would love to share a surname with my son. Unfortunately due to having him pretty young I wasn't wise enough and gave him his bio dads name, who I split up with shorty afterwards.

I kept mine as couldn't bother changing everything and this is not used in the country I come from; however this is a very English thing and I sometimes get referred as Ms. at children school instead of Mrs, which annoys me slightly. Still wouldn't change it for that reason. Children have both last names but mainly used the first one which is husbands one.

I kept my name, it was mine for 40 years, why would I change it?
DP had no opinion on the matter. His family on the other hand make a point of mis- naming me!

It may be that technically you're supposed to use deedpoll for more complex name changes, but we just applied for updated passports with marriage certificate and used those as proof for everything else. We went from Jane Baker and John Smith-Wainwright to Jane and John Baker-Wainwright (not real names, obvs).

No, of course not. Because it's my name and it's not part of marriage.

Hi OP,
I did when I got married 13 years ago... and within a few weeks, I had changed it back by deed poll! So embarrassing... My DH just laughed and said he didn’t know why I had changed it in the first place.

It was my parents! They can be v conservative. And liked the idea - as did I, I suppose - of us all having a family name, if we had kids.

I wish we had double-barrelled but it would be five syllables.

So I am Ms Macaroon and he is Mr Bourbon. Ds1 has my surname as second middle name, ds2 has my MIL’s maiden name as a second middle name, ds3 has my DM’s maiden name as a second middle name! Fecking complicated.

Double barrel. Or keep your own and double barrel any children you have. I wish we had elided ours! We could have been Mrs and Ms Macabourbon.

Trust your instincts

Keep your name! I honestly never considered changing mine for a second, and why would I? I'm not going to throw a strop if my kid's teacher calls me Mrs Myhusbandsurname for example, and I probably wouldn't even bother correcting her, but my name is my name. It's the 21st century. If you don't want to, don't.

I wouldn’t want to marry a man who wanted me to change my name.

I wouldn’t want to marry a man who wanted me to change my name.

This.

We discussed variations of using either my last name, his last name, bizarre hybrids and hyphenated. DH didn’t really mind what we did, I was the one who wanted something that sounded okay. I’ve never ever liked my own last name and I really liked his, so it was easy.

I repeat what I said on the other thread: in my personal case:

I took my husband's surname because his surname is a lot less commonplace than my father's surname. Before I married, I knew, personally, at least three other people with exactly the same name as me. Taking on my husband's surname meant I'm the only one on google with my name.

I did have a think about it, before committing - the implications - and I made my own choice. Thirty-odd years later, I still think that my decision to change my name was correct, for me. Your Own Mileage May Vary!

'Also I would love to hear the reasons you changed/ kept/ hyphenated your name.'

I changed my name to my husbands.

I did it because I really liked his name and didn't like my maiden name (at all), I wanted to have the same name as my husband and as any future children, we have two, and my attachment to my name (which was father's family name, and not my mum's name before marriage) was minimal.

For me a name is not that significant but if it feels/is important to you then go for the name you want.

I got married over 20 years ago. I use both surnames, mine first, and then his, without a hyphen. He chose to just use his own surname but was not bothered whether I took his name, kept mine or combined.
Our DC has both surnames.

I never contemplated changing mine when I married 40 years ago, as it is an integral part of me. I often get called Mrs My Surname, though, which I find irritating. DH sometimes is called Mr My Surname, which he isn't bothered about, but which bothers me.
I also don't wear a wedding ring as I consider it an outdated symbol of male ownership. (Rather similar, in fact, to name changing, which was symbolic of change of 'ownership' - or 'family' if you are being diplomatic - of a woman from father to husband.)

I kept my name. Mostly because it's me. Partly for professional reasons. Partly because DH's surname requires spelling all the time.
Oddly I'm not fussed by people calling me Mrs DH on envelopes or at the dc's school.

Just to answer your practical question, OP, in my experience NOT changing your name is the simplest option by far. You sign the marriage certificate with your current name ... and then do absolutely nothing. No passport, driving license, bank, utilities, savings, email addresses etc to change, what an almighty load of faff avoided.

My DH and I kept our birth names and I was and am Ms. DC is double barrelled. It really annoys me the suggestion that you're somehow less married if you don't change your name. We are a very happy, loving, united little family. Do what feels right to you and if your DH is so keen on all having the same name he can take yours!

I did it because I really liked his name and didn't like my maiden name (at all), I wanted to have the same name as my husband and as any future children, we have two, and my attachment to my name (which was father's family name, and not my mum's name before marriage) was minimal

Same here. I was also relatively young when I got married, so hadn't established a long professional reputation, for example. DH didn't push me into it or anything.

I think now I might consider not changing my name, but I've become more radicalised as I have aged in many ways...