Should I change my last name?

[lavenderlove]

Hi,
I'm getting married really soon and it's just sort of dawned on me that my last name is assumed to be changing.
I was ok with this at first but now it's getting closer I'm feeling a bit weird about it. I've brought it up with my OH and he seemed a bit put out that I wouldn't want to adopt his name.
I would feel more comfortable hyphenating my name with his name. Sounds silly but I don't even know how it works. Once your married do you write the name you want to go by on your marriage certificate? Or does that come at a later date?
Also I would love to hear the reasons you changed/ kept/ hyphenated your name.
Thanks

@happymummy12345

Deed poll is not required to change your name.

OP you can change your name to anything you like, you can change your name on your driving licence a propos of absolutely nothing.

When I made my name double barrelled as a teenager (so I had my Mum's new name as well as my Dad's) I just did it. Changed it at college, using it as my name when going for my first jobs. Just started using it. I can't remember but I'm pretty sure I changed it on my bank accounts before I got the statement of oath.

At some point, can't remember why, I went and did a statement of oath at a solicitors. You can get the wording from the internet and type up the statement all ready.

When you get married your name does not automatically change but if you want to make it double barrelled you can.

Having made my name double barrelled as a teenager I changed it to my first husbands name but in separating he first thing I did was change it back - I went and got another statement of oath so that it was easy to change all my ID back again.

When I got married for the second time, I just kept my double barrelled maiden name. Because it's my name.

I’m getting married soon too. We are both going double barrelled. There was no way I was losing my name but he wanted us to have the same surname. He did consider taking my name as his relationship with his father is not great but ultimately I think it was just too radical for him so we’ve come to a compromise.

To say his dm doesn’t understand is a bit of an understatement.

If my fiancée had the same attitude as yours then there would be no wedding for it to ever be a problem.

The problem with all the children being given double barrelled surnames is what happens when they grow up and get married and have children. Do those children have four surnames? And one day those children will grow up and have children.....

He keeps saying "most people say I can't wait to be Mrs surname" when they are getting married.

Most people? He means, 'most women'. So yes, it's an ingrained cultural sexism.

I changed my name - I'm afraid I didn't really think about it (I'm 57, so while women were starting to reject namechanging it really was the default then). But maybe I still would - my birth name was a very common and quite ugly one whereas DH's is quite distinctive. And at this point in my life, various attitudes and behaviours among some of my family members make me prefer to have his name rather than theirs. (I've only just realised that, it's a bit sad but true).

I changed my name to my Hs but not just because it was assumed. We wanted the same name as a family, we toyed with a double barrel but I didn't like it, we toyed with a totally new name but could only agree on Mr and Mrs Awesome which was a bit of a stretch.

I ultimately decided I was happy to take his name. I quite like the sound of it and I'm ok with it.

I also never felt like I was being pushed to do so or there was an assumption I was obligated to. It was a genuine joint discussion and choice.

I took DH's name on marriage. We did give other options some thought but in the end that's what I/we decided. We wanted to have the same name so that when we had DC we would share a family name. Our names sound truly awful double-barrelled or blended. So then it was just a case of whose name to pick.

Good example of the patriarchy in action but in all honesty it was different cultural expectations that swung it in favour of DH's name. I'd had a lifetime of just expecting that I would one day get married and change my name. Yes, when it came to it I seriously considered other options for feminist reasons, but me changing my name was expected, not going to offend my family or his, not going to be seen as unusual. His family would have seen it as an affront, and just like I'd grown up expecting that I'd change my name upon marriage, he'd grown up expecting that one day he'd have a family of his own, sharing his name. I'm not defending that choice, just noting that, like many people, even when we considered the alternatives we went with the status quo. I think the social conditioning is so strong that I was prepared to give up my name without any upset and DH would have found it a much bigger deal.

'The problem with all the children being given double barrelled surnames is what happens when they grow up and get married and have children'

The Spanish manage this just fine

Not married, but if we ever do I wouldn't dream of changing my name. It's been my name for 36 years, I like it, and I dislike the patriarchal assumptions surrounding women changing their names. If we have children they'll have my surname.

Any man who had a problem with this would not be a man I'd consider marrying...

But Lotta Spanish children don't have 20 different surnames so I assume as each generation is added to a name must be 'dropped'?

Spanish children are given one last name from their mother and one from their father. So Sonia Alvarez Marillo and Juan Cruz Leandro might have a child called Sofia Alvarez Leandro (made up names!)

I was bloody overjoyed to take DHs name - I had no connection to mine whatsoever. I already changed my name by deed poll to my stepfathers name since my mum had used it for us throughout school. Definitely didn’t want my father’s name. I was glad to move away from all that shit. I guess I would have felt differently if I had a better relationship with my father / stepfather.

The Spanish system sounds confusing. How do parents decide which one of their two surnames they pass on? Genuine question. I am curious.

I didn't change, and am Ms Dibbler. Ds is myname-dhsname, and if he chooses to marry someone in the future, I'm sure that he and any partner will sort it out for themselves.

I never saw myself as Mrs Anybody, and our relationship is far stronger than the concept of sharing a name

bookmum the Spanish system is not confusing at all, there is a default way of doing it that 99% of people follow.
It's always the first last name that follows. So it's still the male side that always gets passed down, but at least it's 1 from dad's side and 1 from mom's side.
e.g.
Pedro Alvarez Garcia and Laia Martinez Iglesias has a child Pablo Alvarez Martinez.

FWIW I'm British but my husband is Spanish so I kept my own last name, so that our childrens' names work properly, e.g. if I took his name, our kids would have had the same last name repeated. Also people would think I'm his sister! It's strange here to change name at marriage.

Thanks spanishwife that makes sense. When young Pablo has a child it would be Firstname Alvarez Mumspaternalsurname ?

bookmum Yep exactly. It's always the 'first' surname from each side which is the fathers. I loved keeping my own name too - so much easier!

In that sense it's no less 'sexist' - but still nice that people have something from both sides and you have your identity from birth til death. Not sure if it makes much difference but my partner feels very associated with both parts of his family, whereas I feel like a 'smith' rather than a 'smith jones'.

If you're not bothered, why not keep your name - every woman who doesn't change her name contributes to shifting the cultural expectations for others.

I only married a few years ago, in a central London Register Office, in an unfussy way (us, toddler, two witnesses), and the first thing the Registrar said was, "congratulations Mr and Mrs Plantagenet!". We replied simultaneously, "I\she's keeping my/her name", to which the Registrar said, "oh - I thought you would!" (so why did he say that...)

We weren't too bothered, but if it had been in front of a crowd, it could have been a bit jarring and awkward at the climax of the service. So make sure whoever conducts your marriage knows what you are doing!

I kept mine, never seriously considered changing it and no way was I going to use Mrs. I don't even remember discussing it with DH. I don't think he considered changing his either. I do actually like his better than mine but I don't think that's a good enough reason to change it.

I got married over 20 years ago and did not change my name. In my mind my name is/was my identity so why would I change it? I have not changed my mind in that time and the only person who has not respected that is my SIL who still addresses Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs X!! [smile sweetly]

Interesting thing that occurred to me on this. Of all the couples I know who sat down and had a discussion about what they’d do about surnames before getting married, almost all of them ended up with the woman changing her name to the man’s. (One couple both double-barrelled.)

(I didn’t ‘discuss’ it with my husband at all - I let him know that I wouldn’t be changing it, he said he wasn’t expecting otherwise, and that was that.)

I have to say that I'm genuinely dismayed by the number of women who take their husband's name on marriage.

Dress it up how you will, but it is a relic of an age whereby marriage represented the transfer of a woman from her father's ownership to that of her husband.

If something is done almost exclusively by one sex and not the other - in the absence of an obvious biological reason (quite rare in practice) - then clearly it is sexist. Not even the most 'right-on' man would ever take his wife's name and abandon his own. Yet women do so all the time. I genuinely do not understand why.

Totally agree Iced. The argument that it's just a choice like any other falls apart because, as you say, men fail to make the same choice in any kind of numbers at all. It's also frustrating to see how many women on these threads talk about their names not really being theirs, but their father's. No one ever says that to men.

I kept my name, because it's my identity. I'd no more have changed it than I would have expected DH to change his.

DH wasn't overjoyed with the idea that I wouldn't be Mrs HisName, But he couldn't offer a reason for me to change, beyond tradition, which for me was actually a big part of the argument for keeping my own name, so.... we compromised, and I kept my name but agreed any children would have his. A marriage is often about compromise, after all!

There were heavy hints from the in-laws that changing your name shows your commitment to being a family unit etc, particularly after DH's brother got married and his wife changed her name....But guess what? 13 years on I'm still here, whereas BIL and Mrs BIL got divorced (and she reverted to her maiden name) after 3.

DH has got used to not being irritated when utility companies or plumbers call him "Mr MyName" when he answers the phone.... and I've got used to gritting my teeth smiling sweetly when MIL addresses my birthday card every year to Mrs HisName :-)

I kept my name, cos it's my name. My husband wasn't bothered at all, and no-one has raised any eyebrows (at least not in my presence! Though we do get Christmas cards addressed to Mr & Mrs Reality's Husband from his grandad).

The more women who keep their names, the more normalised it becomes.

Keep your name OP, or ask him if he'll take yours if he's so keen on a family name.