Should I change my last name?

[lavenderlove]

Hi,
I'm getting married really soon and it's just sort of dawned on me that my last name is assumed to be changing.
I was ok with this at first but now it's getting closer I'm feeling a bit weird about it. I've brought it up with my OH and he seemed a bit put out that I wouldn't want to adopt his name.
I would feel more comfortable hyphenating my name with his name. Sounds silly but I don't even know how it works. Once your married do you write the name you want to go by on your marriage certificate? Or does that come at a later date?
Also I would love to hear the reasons you changed/ kept/ hyphenated your name.
Thanks

lottapianos

Plus, you'll hear women say (including on this very thread), oh, I don't like my name, my husand's is so much more exotic etc etc etc.

I mean... every woman has the right to her own choice obviously, but an approximately equal number of men will have those same 'unlikable' surnames and will marry women with 'exotic' surnames. But you'll never ever hear a man so "Oh I didn't like my boring surname. So I took my wife's more interesting name instead." It just doesn't happen. At the very most a man will take his wife's name in addition to his own but even this is rare.Almost never will a man give up his name in favour of his wife's.

So whether or not women want to admit it, it IS a sexist practice and it IS a gendered decision. Very obviously so.

The thing that makes me is when women change their name across social media etc literally the day of the wedding.

I don't particularly like my surname but would never change it and my DH never wanted or expected me to. If he had, he wouldn't be DH. He would be a sexist idiot that I would have nothing to do with.

When somebody says they "can't wait to be Mrs Such-and-such" I just hear that they can't wait for their husband to own them. They are entitled to want this for themselves but I can't empathise.
I kept my name. My dh said he would change his at first but then got cold feet before the wedding day, which I am still slightly miffed about nearly 20 years on.
I recently went to our solicitors to drop in some docs for my husband. I introduced myself as Shelley Lloyd. They took away the docs, which said his name, James Carr, on them, and came back and addressed me as "Mrs Carr". Fuming.

Further on the point of my name was too boring/exotic/horrible, it always interests me when a woman changes her name on marriage to something that's objectively much worse. So the usual joke surnames like Cockburn, Smellie and Boggs, names that rhyme with yours leading to Jenny Penny, Simone Jones and even names that just don't go together.

I understand to some extent people doing what they think is the default, but it seems like there'd have to be a different thought process there to be willing to accept a name that you must realistically be aware is worse than your own. Possibly one that will lead to you and maybe your children being the butt of jokes. And I have come across examples of each of these, though I used different rhyming names. I don't think it can be especially uncommon.

viago

God yes - major cringe! My sister in law had changed her name on FB almost before she's made her vows! I genuinely don't understand this mentality. Do these women see marriage as some sort of 'achievement' and can't wait to announce to the world that they've succeeded in getting a man?

It does come across that way IcedPurple, like they've finally made it. I can't think why the urgency otherwise.

I once knew someone who had her married name (e.g. Mrs Smith) on her pillows...

Another one here who changed as she didn't like her maiden name. Dh never expected me to, he knows me well enough to know that if I hadn't wanted to I wouldn't have. Though we'd had the two DCs beforehand and had a conversation already about which surname to give them. He did want them to have his in there somewhere. My maiden name does not double barrel well at all though, and my dislike meant I veered away from it.

I am also not Mrs dh name though. I'm Ms dh name. I've been ms for as long as I was able to declare my title. Dh knows that will only change if I somehow get a doctorate or professorship etc highly unlikely

There's no reason to be a Mrs or change your name if you don't want to.

For all these people saying they wanted to have one family name, why couldn't that have been your (woman's) name or a completely new name? Why default to the man's?

As others have said, a man who expected me to change my name would not be a man I'd marry. Keep your name. It really dismays me as well when people do the name change on social media hours after the wedding.

He keeps saying "most people say I can't wait to be Mrs surname" when they are getting married

tell him to marry one of them so.

Married 28 years and I didn't change my name. DS has my name as middle name and sometimes he uses both names. Only MIL has an issue with it and addresses me as Mrs DH's initial and second name but she's an old fart!

I explained my reasons earlier re the 'family name' and choosing his. I would imagine there are a lot of people with similar versions of that story. There's also an element of personal history with H's family, that isn't mine to share on a forum, that made me more inclined to lean that way.

But mainly because he accepted it was genuinely my choice and whatever we did we would be in It together regardless. That made me want to choose his name more.

I took my DHs name over 20 years ago,and regret it. It still doesn't feel like my name, it's shit

For all these people saying they wanted to have one family name, why couldn't that have been your (woman's) name or a completely new name? Why default to the man's?

Well, quite.

I suppose there are some practical advantages to having a single family name, especially if you have children (though mind you other cultures manage quite well without one).

But all of those advantages would be gained equally well by having the entire family take the woman's name.

Keep your name 100%

I explained my reasons earlier re the 'family name' and choosing his. I would imagine there are a lot of people with similar versions of that story.

Presumably you mean a lot of women with similar versions of that story.

No matter what the 'story' or family history, almost no man would ever consider abandoning his family name in favour of his wife's.

We were all set for DH to change his name to mine. He told the ILs just before the wedding and all hell broke loose. At that point they had 3 sons and 2 grandsons so it was hardly as if their name was going to die out.

So we spent 2 years each with our own name with no issues apart from comments from all sides of both families about what was the point of getting married if we were going to have different names.

Then with the first DC on the way the issue raised its head again because there was no way my child was having a different name to me. No internet back then, but I bought a book which explained that you could call your child whatever you liked - even a surname with no connection to either of you - but if you couldn't agree, and you were married, then the father's wishes took precedence. If unmarried, the mother's took precedence.

After what happened before I wasn't taking any chances and we agreed to all double-barrel. Hisname-Myname made a stupid phrase so we went with the other way. We went to a solicitor who told us she would be proud to take her husband's name (she was a Miss) and insisted on interviewing DH alone in case I'd coerced him . It was farcical.

The Deed says "I take this surname for myself, my wife and future issue". I did not have to sign it, so officially I have never actually changed my name at all. Children all registered as Myname-Hisname.

After years of records being filed under different letters at the GP etc, the ILs sending cards to Mrs and Mrs Hisname and Miss Hisname, one day I overheard DH on the phone say "It's Mr Hername here" and realised that he is known at work as just my surname. He uses just my name when he is booking anything. The only time he uses both is if he is doing something with the bank or booking holidays that have to be the same as the passports.

Children now grown up. One is married. DIL took on full db surname, to my surprise, but has taken to calling herself by just DH's surname. DGC coming and DS says it will have full surname, so will wait and see.

DD only uses my name and was very angry in her teens when the ILs sent her things in the wrong name. That stopped them doing it for the rest of us. She says that if she ever gets married she will be Mumname-DHname.

I have not and will not interfere in what they choose to call themselves, as that will be entirely their decision, just as it was ours.

When we got married we had been together for a decade already; changing names seemed superfluous and to be honest I don't think we even discussed it.
Our two DC's have his surname, we discussed it briefly and it was what made us both happy, as they were born 'out of wedlock' (what a funny phrase!) it was something concrete that linked them to him. And now I'm especially happy as none of DH's surviving family share his surname any more, apart from our children. He has a much stronger association with his surname than I do with mine, which extends no further back than my father.

I changed my name and then spent six months miserable so I told DH I was changing it back. It was really important to DH that we both had the same name and that any future DC would so we both changed our names to hyphenated. Feels so much better now :)

We wanted the same name, to all have the same name if we had children etc.

So we both changed it to a surname with a connection to both sides of the family - not one used by immediate family on either side, though. More way back in history.

I loved changing my name - we partly chose the new name as it was a really nice one, couple of syllables, sounded better with both our first names. Really loved the feeling of starting a new family, changing names, new beginnings!

HOWEVER. No way would I have felt like that if I'd changed to his. Or indeed, if he'd changed to mine. Would have hated taking his name - i get to do the new thing, be the new 'me' with a whole new 'family' - but he didn't? He gets to just go on the same, with the same public 'markers' of who your family are? As if it's a watershed moment for only me? No way. Totally unbalanced and depressing, as if I'd made a new start but he still cleaved to the old him.

As it was, us both changing really made us feel we were in it together. And we both had a new surname we really liked. Great experience.

'Do these women see marriage as some sort of 'achievement' and can't wait to announce to the world that they've succeeded in getting a man?'

Well yes, clearly. And society views marriage that way too. Only in relation to women though. Men are expected to just be going along with it all

Men are expected to just be going along with it all hmm

Even though self-reported happiness levels rise for men after marriage, but the opposite is true for women.

And women are twice as likely to initiate divorce, and half as likely to express an interest in re-marriage.

But yeah, marriage is all for the woman's benefit. Sure it is.

Plus, you'll hear women say (including on this very thread), oh, I don't like my name, my husband's is so much more exotic etc etc etc.

How bad must the bride's mother's maiden names have been if they (the mother) was grateful to take on these awful names that the bride is in such a rush to discard?

You'll also hear women say the opposite! My name was foreign and I wanted an English one etc.

How bad must the bride's mother's maiden names have been if they (the mother) was grateful to take on these awful names that the bride is in such a rush to discard?
In fairness, if my DHs name had been awful I would not have changed. Nor given my DC it.