Male entitlement at a bar

[villandrychat]

I've been mulling over this event since it happened on Friday and wondered what other people thought.
I was out for after work drinks with some girlfriends on Friday, ranging in age from mid 40s to mid 50s. We were having a great time, when some random bloke came over and started trying to chat us up. He sat next to me and draped his arm round me, which I pointedly removed. He proceeded to hog the conversation, and started off telling us an "amusing" story (his definition of it). He was blocking my way out and I was needing the loo. I asked to get past him, and he said just listen to the end of this, it's good (so good I can't even remember what it was ). I was desperate (middle-aged bladder!) and asked him a further two times, and he said, no, you just sit here until I've finished telling you this. At this point I lost it, and said I'd already asked him three times, so if he didn't get the fuck out of my way right now, I was going to get security to kick him out. He very huffily moved, and I squeezed past him. I was so angry that he thought he could just override my requests like that, his sheer entitlement made me furious. And the fact that people seem to put up with men like him. I feel like I've overreacted, but part of me felt like punching him! It made me realise why I hate bars - I put up with so much shit like this as a teen/20s, and I'm now a menopausal angry woman who won't take shit from anyone!

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

How did you restrain yourself from whipping the book back out of his hands and twatting him with it, LonnyVonny?

SDTG I'd LOVE to say I withered him with one fell glance, stopping only to twat him on the head with my hard back as I swept out of the bar accompanied only by the sound of the cheers of every other woman there, but it was one of those situations where I completely goldfished. I actually told him politely that I also had a kindle! Twat.

Loving OP's librarian indignation too #solidarity

[ToastyFingers]

Urghhh, I just have wasted so much of my life listening to men spout shit.

I have a 'lesbian haircut' and resting bitch face now and no-one bothers me, it's great!

[Juells]

@ToastyFingers

I have a 'lesbian haircut' and resting bitch face now and no-one bothers me, it's great!

🤣

[MinaPaws]

God Juells your mother and my dad sound similar. I once pretended I'd fainted to see if he'd notice I wasn't listening. Seven minutes later he noticed. He wasn't even old then.

Lighthouse I notice their micro expressions - that means you're not at all like the men in bars. You're just enthusiastic.

[LighthouseSouth]

oh Mina, I wasn't comparing myself to men in bars!

I was just thinking maybe your son gets that enthused about his music.

What did your dad say about the pretend faint?

[MinaPaws]

I know, Lighthouse, I was just joking about you and men in bars.

I think he eventually asked if I was OK and when I said I was, he just cleared his throat and continued. Hopeless case.

[Juells]

@MinaPaws no wonder you're worried about the DS, in case it's in the genes!

[MinaPaws]

Yes Juells - exactly. It does worry me. I joke about it but it does actually worry me a bit. He's a lot lovelier than my mad old dad though.

[womanformallyknownaswoman]

He was basically holding you captive against your will, swearing is the least he deserved.
I can never get my head around a man thinking that they should seduce a wonan by showing they have no regard for the woman's physical boundaries or consent.

It's better I've discovered to react to the first boundary violation with a fuck off/call security - he's basically seeing who's going to give him the benefit of the doubt and then will zero in on them - best to send the full force signal straightaway of NO - he'll go elsewhere then.

Were some of you on the look out for single men or just appeasing him - not judgement just curious?

[ThisIsTheFirstStep]

I’ve never been one to politely engage with strangers when they bother me, I just don’t see why I should. Even when I was young, it got my back up that men thought I owed them my time. If they’re a laugh or if they fuck off when asked, no problem. But I never got why my friends entertained guys they weren’t interested in.

It’s just rude to invade someone’s space uninvited, so no problem being rude back to them.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

Was one of your friends into him? As a group of adult women, I don’t understand how none of you have learned to tell a man to go away. I (and my friends) figured that out at 18.

[AngryAttackKittens]

a bloke came over to me twitched my book out of my hands and started to mansplain the concept of Kindles to me

One time a bloke reached over and pulled one of my headphones out of my ear, then attempted to stick it in his own ear. Nearly punched the cheeky fucker!

You were restrained in the circumstances, OP.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I remember when I was younger, if I was meeting a female friend in a bar we always met outside, at the bus stop, or in another spot. We never, EVER met inside the bar.

And I was quite famous for being the one willing to be 'the first' woman at the bar who would wait for the others. I had a few years of being blonde with big breasts under my belt and a very loud (and yes, sweary) mouth. I would wait for all the other women. It's really saddening that all my friends would text/call and see if I was there. Because they were all scared. Totally justifiably.

[Breakingthewaves]

Sat on a train recently headphones in - 3 men drunk sat way down the carriage. One came up and poked me and told me to tell his friend some bollox. Told him to fuck off and when I got off the train my suitcase had been nicked...

[Breakingthewaves]

It happens all the time - I go to pubs sometimes and there's always some socially inept misfit who intrudes. Sometimes I get told off by my friends for being rude and a few times later in the eve when they're hanging around and trying it on I'm the one who has to tell them to do one....doesn't go down well. Rejection makes them rather angry

[villandrychat]

No, none of us were on the pull! My friends also asked him to let me past but he ignored them (I've just realised I've put asked and that's part of the problem - told, demanded, ordered would be more appropriate actions!)

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

One time a bloke reached over and pulled one of my headphones out of my ear, then attempted to stick it in his own ear. Nearly punched the cheeky fucker!

I was stuck on a level of Angry Birds on the last train once (tend to keep my head down and on my phone) and the guy sitting next to me took my phone off me and passed it down the carriage to his mate who 'is really good at Angry Birds'.

Worst thing about that is when I told DH he was all 'why did you let him take your phone' - even the best guys don't always get that actually, in a train full of drunk men when you can't escape, just nodding and smiling along is sometimes the best approach.

But I must stop letting men take things out of my hands! That's twice on one thread.

[AmazingPostVoices]

(I've just realised I've put asked and that's part of the problem - told, demanded, ordered would be more appropriate actions!)

Villandry asked should be enough, however I have found that the kind of tone you would use on a misbehaving 12 year old (the tone that brooks no nonsense!) works very well in these situations.

[SleepingStandingUp]

You were utterly unreasonable.

The first time he'd have refused to let me past he'd have been told to move before I peed on him or got security. My bladder would not have lasted three refusals.

I'm only surprised one of your friends didn't back you up. We regularly do the pretty friend shuffle when out dancing so the creepy guy ends up next to the fat plain one (me) and loses interest

[BastardMs]

You were very restrained OP. I would like to comment along the lines of "i'd have told him to fuck off after the first time" but actually, I probably wouldn't have because I'd have been fearful of his reaction.

Having read through this thread, and read peoples experiences, i'm reminded of the times similar things have happened to me. I was out with girlfriends over Christmas and the men on the table next to us in the pub just decided to pull up their stools and ask to share our mulled wine. I was furious and made it known, so they called me moody and a 'cow' and spoke over my head to my (so-called!) friends the rest of the night. I've been on nights out where we have worn things on our heads, just silly head-band boppers for birthdays/St Patricks day etc. and the amount of men that think it's acceptable to just pull them off your head and walk off with them is colossal. They would never steal something off the head of another man. I wonder why that is

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant didn't it.

[PratRocket]

Oh dear, what a prat! why the need for the swearing though?

Swearing!

keep a pint of water on the table just in case.

Alcopop better, Stickier.

[villandrychat]

Pratrocket but are they worth the waste of the price of a drink?

[Ereshkigal]

My mum and I both look considerably younger than we are. At Gatwick airport we got chatting to a (married) man on the next table to us on an overnight before flying to Dubai. All perfectly innocent. Later on he propositioned us for a mother-daughter threesome!

[MinaPaws]

My mum and I both look considerably younger than we are. At Gatwick airport we got chatting to a (married) man on the next table to us on an overnight before flying to Dubai. All perfectly innocent. Later on he propositioned us for a mother-daughter threesome!

Wow. Some men see women purely in terms of their own sexual gratification. He must be in a state of perpetual porn-fixated arousal to thinkit's OK to ask that. It's weird and frightening.

[Ereshkigal]

It was. I explained it to my mum (it was in a phone call to our room) who was horrified. I kind of shrugged it off. But then told a female friend who was horrified too.