Does "dropping the ball" work?

[vinegarqueen]

Keep on seeing idiot posts in the Guardian comment threads along the lines of:

"I'd do the washing up/look after the kids/do laundry, but I'm not allowed and my wife gets there first."

Yes, stupid women for actually doing jobs. I always wonder how long these blokes leave these jobs before they are done by their OH.

Out of interest, has dropping the ball (ie, just leaving household chores till male partner does them) worked for anyone on here without some serious conversations beforehand -and a cattle prod- ? My partner does do a lot of chores but it's taken a lot of explaining that he can't just choose to do the washing up three days later as it makes me suffer the mess and it is worse than nothing, etc etc

I found myself in emergency last July followed by 4 weeks in hospital. Surprising no one but himself by day 4 the children were arriving at school not in full uniform and the entire household imploded.

All of that is why I didn’t ‘drop the ball’ and let him get on with it earlier. He couldn’t do it in an emergency situation and in a non emergency situation he wouldn’t have stepped up.

Also, he now does do some of the things I used to. But he’s resentful and absolutely believes I’m unreasonable wanting the kitchen cleared after dinner rather than washing up/stacking the dishwasher from dinner while the kids eat breakfast.

Emerence my dad is like that. We weren't left with him but if left in the house by himself for any length of time it looks like a troll has been in there, dog not walked and fed on leftovers.

It wouldn't occur to him to do the dishwasher and he'd resent the idea that he wasn't pulling his weight even though he literally had to just wash his own dishes and look after an easygoing dog.

And Emerance sorry about your medical emergency. I'm a luddite but I'd send if I could work it out..

The only thing that works is not shacking up with a misogynist in the first place, sorry.

If he thinks it's your job, nothing you can say or do will convince him otherwise.

I think it can work for some things but my dh isn't "that" bad ie he does the washing up, clears up etc. He does do some things to a very low standard, however! When I was in hospital, one meal for DS consisted of - a piece of ham. (I mean - at least put it in some bread and make a sandwich??) He is a bit better on the food front now but needs checking up on regarding "his" jobs. Recently, a failure to deal with paperwork led to us overpaying a bill by 500 euros which I was furious about so I feel that in some areas "dropping the ball" just means we will all suffer the consequences. To be fair, I have my own failures too!

I also feel very strongly about this as my dad didn't/doesn't do anything around the house and it has always been a source of tension - even more so now that my mum is not in good health but feels that she cannot let him do anything without creating more work for her.

Agree 100% with Luglio.

They are adults - if they cannot perform basic adult tasks without being prompted, they do not deserve to be in an adult relationship.

Yes, my DH is a committed feminist but he is rebelling against a very traditional (read: sexist) family and when we had DD some of those observed behaviours from his own father threatened to creep in (ie - leaving me to deal with baby related stuff and assuming I was 'better' at it than he was).

I absolutely let him work things out for himself - like the first time he took DD out by himself to let me catch up on sleep he forgot several key things like wipes and a change of clothes. So she pooped everywhere and he had to figure out how to deal with it. It was stressful, yes, but after that he always knew exactly what needed to go in the change bag and where the nearest baby change facilities were!

Of course it's not that easy and is an ongoing process but it does work if you have a partner who respects you and genuinely considers marriage and parenthood to be a partnership.

I think it can do but if done in a spirit of 'that'll teach you' it's not ideal. How else can it feel though.

I don't regard doing the dishwasher in the morning as a bad thing though. There is stuff that must be done and there are different standards - the difference is quite key.

What is the issue with leaving the dishes to the next morning though?

My husband was made redundant six months ago - it was a complete surprise. I was working part-time but upped it to full time but was still doing the majority of the kids' stuff (though he took on the school runs). That continued for a few months until I finally, absolutely lost it at him. I had supported him and helped him through his new job search for so long (which was really stressful as I only earn a third of his salary) plus was continuing to do all the house- stuff on top of full time and work!

He has completely taken on everything. Everything. Kids' lunches, kids' therapy, all the school runs, been scouting out after school activities and has honestly been 50/50 with me as we plan for handling everything as we both work full time from next week (he has a new job). So it's been two months of DH doing all the 'wifework'.

I didn't drop the ball as such but I think he realised how close I was to the edge. I was so so angry. Of course I shouldn't have had to do it, but that's how it went. Let's see if it lasts.

I don't have a problem with dishes left til next morning. Three days is just my OH's acceptable time limit. In fairness to him, he absolutely would not mind if I left them that long, either, or if I chose to do no housework, but in fairness to me we live in a country where armies of cockroaches and ants will invade if your kitchen isn't clean.

Personally, if you have different attitudes to cleanliness or chores, I just don't really get how just leaving a job without discussing it first can work.

Totally agree standards of chores is also a problem - when loads of men expect applause for doing a job at all and not being lazy, doing it well must be less of an issue. Why try hard when you're going to get a medal anyway?

I've found it has to be a mixture of spelling it out and ball dropping, and developing routines. I'm more at home now so he's just not as tuned in. Differences in standards can clash (both ways actually!)

It caused a lot of arguments though as I'm from a very matriarchal family, he's from a very patriarchal family. It's made me realise how progressive my father was! Though I think mum had to spell it all out for him (a bit too much imo).

For example, when my mum wasn't working, my father always washed up and sorted the kitchen. It appears dh's mum did all the house work and cooking while his dad just worked. It actually now annoys me that since fil retired he 'took over the cooking' and mil washes up - but I've noticed at family things therefore he gets the praise and discussion about how it was cooked etc while mil is in the background sometimes producing a cake. He puts his feet up after dinner as he always did while she flaps around clearing up. He's apparently never touched a dishwasher in his life. I may be being a bit harsh but little subtle things like that have been bugging me.

Also I should add, I don’t think the way your parents did things necessarily has much influence on the way you do things as an adult. My DP’s dad does nothing at home but my DP always regarded this as a generational thing and was incredulous at how little respect he must have for his wife. Neither of us knew how to do anything remotely domestic when we moved in together, but we just googled the various tasks and split them between us, job done! Out of interest, those saying their DH needs to be told to do chores, is this an age thing ie perhaps 40+, as my friends my age (late 20s) have never mentioned this being an issue.

Out of interest, those saying their DH needs to be told to do chores, is this an age thing ie perhaps 40+, as my friends my age (late 20s) have never mentioned this being an issue.

I would say it’s more of a post-children thing.

I think there is an age divide insofar as I've come across a lot more men my parent's age (early 60s) who would be shocked to think they were expected to tidy up or whatever. For example my FIL once had an enormous tantrum because I didn't make his lunch one day (hadn't known he was even in the house, but wtf even so?).

Whereas most of the men in my age group would be ok if they were asked to do them, one of my brothers being a notable exception in that he expects to be waited on so long as there is a woman in his vicinity. However I still think a lot of men do keep the blinkers on. It's great those posters who've had a good experience just letting things go, though!

There's an age / generational thing and there's an impact from parents in how parents were respected etc. Theres many factors. Dh is 42 this year, his parents are 70. I'm similar as are my parents. My grand parents were born in 1911 ish so there's a big generational spread reaching pre women's vote in only 3 generations.

Dhs family are very religious and focussed on traditional gender roles, including character, who knows more about life, politics etc (men.) Mil is very good at doing herself down. (Utterly lovely but her female socialisation to be a wall butterfly is enormous. Not into makeup etc though). Fil is very well respected in the community and by his sons. - I think that's the other key; all Boys. Fil has no siblings.

Dh is actually quite different to him in practise, totally got stuck into changing nappies etc but I did notice an underlying assumption at times that ultimately he was 'in charge' - despite not actually doing some of the lesser 'menial' jobs like toy tidying - when we had a child which I slowly worked out and pointed out to him as not really him fully participating. He desperately wanted to do night times etc but in reality couldn't cope very well and had much less patience with a very clingy child. That kind of back ground experience impacted him; in his family they seemed to be very pro cry it out. We weren't.

However, as I said, my mother was definitely 'in charge' (even all the pets knew that) so I think sometimes that part rises in me, but I do suffer from female cross examination (which Dh doesn't, I think due to the very masculine upbringing) and have had to get better at asserting myself.

I didn't pick it up in the first place. Husband was a fully functioning adult when I met him. Our son was our joint responsibility to look after.

Also cultural factors.

A colleague told me her now husband who is around 60 noticed a big difference in attitudes and sexism in this northern city area compared to the area down south that he'd come from - in business and just day to day living. Which I'd agree with.

My DH is a bit of a lazy so and so. I wouldn't ever leave him with everything as the fallout would affect me and DS.

I have though stopped bothering about sorting his stuff out. He was surprised one morning to find he had no clean underwear but quickly found the washing machine.

Desperately trying to ensure DS doesn't end up like it.

I did this when I first lived with (now) DH. It was pre-kids so less fallout. I liked him and thought the relationship could go the distance, but not as his unpaid housekeeper. I was interested to see how bad things had to get before he noticed jobs needed doing. I stopped washing up, I stopped doing his laundry etc. We had a phase of eating out every week because there was clean crockery and the “no clean boxers” day was a turning point. He got his act together and still pulls his weight. We’re not far off our 25th anniversary.

no clean crockery

Re the age thing there is a particularly nasty attitude amongst many of the men in their 20s/30s that I notice (I am early 30s) where they think “equality is sorted” so that they can’t possibly be sexist and yet they have a latent expectation that they shouldn’t have to pull their weight or be in charge of household jobs when there is a woman in the vicinity. They have been brought up by parents (or mothers at least) who expect them to do household jobs but society is still sending another message to both young men and women.

So they get very hurt (and can react nastily) if it is implied that they aren’t practising what they preach, and it’s hard to tackle. This comes into sharp focus after children when the whole parental leave/pay gap stuff becomes a reality for more people, and when the number of jobs around the house increases - it’s easier to hide when there are only two of you

Women of any age still have to be vigilant about equal stuff in the home - it’s still our responsibility overall