Does "dropping the ball" work?

[vinegarqueen]

Keep on seeing idiot posts in the Guardian comment threads along the lines of:

"I'd do the washing up/look after the kids/do laundry, but I'm not allowed and my wife gets there first."

Yes, stupid women for actually doing jobs. I always wonder how long these blokes leave these jobs before they are done by their OH.

Out of interest, has dropping the ball (ie, just leaving household chores till male partner does them) worked for anyone on here without some serious conversations beforehand -and a cattle prod- ? My partner does do a lot of chores but it's taken a lot of explaining that he can't just choose to do the washing up three days later as it makes me suffer the mess and it is worse than nothing, etc etc

Oh and I don't take his suits to the dry cleaners either. I might ask if he wanted anything dropped off if I were going anyway but I wouldn't go just for him.

I've never ironed a shirt for him. Shirts are ironed by the cleaner when we have one or the person who wants to wear them when we don't.

I think “dropping the ball” only works so to speak if you do it early on.

As the PP said she let her do work it out for himself with he baby early on.

We are conditioned to step in and be helpful. Don’t do it in the first place.

If you are in a relationship and start doing all the shit work then it will continue as they know that eventually you will do it. I couldn’t remain married to someone who couldn’t feed and water his kids in an emergency. I couldn’t. Imagine if something happened to you . It’s pathetic. These men would never dare be so useless at work.

I’m also astounded at an adult living in a house of his own who doesn’t know where the washing power is kept. Genuinely.

I'm sad for anyone that never discovers, once you "get your own place and settle down", that you'd rather have a rat than a rota on the wall. It would just feel like all hope of reason had been lost every time you saw it, and remind you what sharing a hoover was like. Plus, it would be your turn.

When my MIL started texting me with birthday hints
I just tell mine that I'll let DP know, and carry on with my day - she's slightly in awe of me, and slightly baffled by me, and probably slightly frustrated by me, but she's also really kind, and clever, and will know exactly why I reply that way, even if she doesn't agree with it herself...

I don't agree that you can't drop the ball later - I actually had 'the big box of things DP is too important to tidy up' and put everything in it that he left lying around for ages, in everyone's way. Eventually one of these things was his new driving license (he got quite cross when he had to rummage through crisp packets, socks, and dirty coffee cups for it, but it had been sat on the coffee table - in a house with 2 kids) for over a week, so actually, he was lucky it was in the box, and not lost) - and now, when he starts leaving stuff again, I walk around and take pictures and message him (I work from home). It's childish, but then, so is never taking your cup to the kitchen - he may be out of the house, but the rest of the family isn't, so it's thoughtless. It is only partially affective, but at least I feel better.

We were OK in the beginning. We were OK when the DC came along. We had a System that worked. I did the laundry, he did the cleaning. We did the shopping together. He put out the bins, cleaned the toilets, mowed the lawns and took the cars to the garage. I did the paperwork, managed the finances and the insurances and paid the bills. We worked around the DC so there was always one of us there.

Then they were teens and they would unpack the shopping, load the dishwasher etc. Suddenly anything not done and it was "the boys were supposed to do that" and I didn't notice that DH was doing less and less and less. He was still cleaning the toilets, running the vacuum round the lounge and putting the bins out at that point.

Then we had a bonus baby and I had 9 months off on Maternity leave. I suspect that's where it started to go wrong. A couple of years later we had to relocate for my job and that's definitely when everything collapsed.

We've been in this house nearly 10 years and I can count on one hand how many times he's cleaned the toilet. He was moaning once that "nobody puts the bins out" and was quite shocked when I replied "that's because it's your job". He's stopped moaning but manages to "forget" on fortnightly bin day and doesn't put the bins out.

He moans that I don't put the shopping away but doesn't see that I am the only one meal planning, shopping and cooking most of the time.

I had cancer a year after we moved and just dropped everything. Thought that if he couldn't be bothered I'd play him at his own game. We went seriously overdrawn, bills didn't get paid. The house descended into the sort of tip that takes several people months to sort out and has never recovered. He "tidied up" by putting everything in boxes. We have stacks of boxes in every room. I have no idea what is in them.

Unfortunately when he tidies he just puts everything in the box, so there will be important documents we've been looking for, newspapers, crisp packets, odd socks, tea towels, books, probably china, photos, pens, cheque books, hairbrushes, DVDs all mixed together in each box. You can't say this is the box of newspapers so I'll just throw it out. I tried that once and mixed in with the newspapers was the folder with all the original copies of DD's birth certificates in. Lucky I checked it. I'd really rather he just left it all where it was. It's so much easier to tidy as you go rather than ending up with a stack of boxes to check.