Does "dropping the ball" work?

[vinegarqueen]

Keep on seeing idiot posts in the Guardian comment threads along the lines of:

"I'd do the washing up/look after the kids/do laundry, but I'm not allowed and my wife gets there first."

Yes, stupid women for actually doing jobs. I always wonder how long these blokes leave these jobs before they are done by their OH.

Out of interest, has dropping the ball (ie, just leaving household chores till male partner does them) worked for anyone on here without some serious conversations beforehand -and a cattle prod- ? My partner does do a lot of chores but it's taken a lot of explaining that he can't just choose to do the washing up three days later as it makes me suffer the mess and it is worse than nothing, etc etc

Hmm. "I can never do it your way so there's no point trying" is the mantra isn't it?

OK, speaking as a woman with fairly basic standards, my way is:
Regularly changed bathroom towels and sheets
Clean clothes
Not too much crap piling up ( eg empty toilet rolls and junk mail
Washing up done the same day
Sink cleaned sometimes
Fridge cleaned out about monthly
Bin cleaned out sometimes
Vacuum every other day, and sometimes even under furniture.
Bathroom done weekly
Weeding done
Windows cleaned yearly monthly
Get rid of dust when it becomes very obvious
Send birthday cards to loved ones.
Sort kids dinner money/ take to sports pragtuce/sign letters/help with homework.

That's it really. If another human being cleans my bathroom I don't much care if they don't put the shampoo bottles back in the exact order I do. I'm just happy it wasn't me.

My husband has much higher standards than me and he will do the work that needs doing.
But he does it sooooooooop slowly and meticulously that we end up not having any free time together or not going out as he has to do whatever chore, so in reality I just do it because then we can craic on with our lives when we are together.
It takes him 2 hours to hoover our perfectly normal semi whereas it takes me 30 minutes tops. His job is the washing and you would genuinely think no one has ever had to wash clothes before he makes such a meal of it.

We sometimes argue about it but it’s normally ok because I’m just in a routine now.

We had a blazing row once when he told me that my make up drawer was untidy and I should organise it better.

Does anyone else feel that replies that basically state that 'women should just avoid being in a relationship with this kind of man' are a bit sexist?
That they put the onus on women to solve the problem?
Or have I been reading these boards too much?

(Btw Dairy I hope you didn't take offence at me giggling about how garbelled autococonut had rendered your post? )

Possibly Hugo. It's a bit "well it's your fault for picking one like that" - whereas I think the patriarchy a good job of pulling the wool over many young women's eyes.

My dh has always been perfectly capable with the dc and house stuff, but since having dc I have always done the vast majority of it because I have been part time. Although he's perfectly capable of any individual task and is organised, I don't think he understands how much time it takes to do all of it all the time, or how much admin/mental load it involves, aside from the actual physical housework.

I'm looking for full time jobs now the dc are older, and I think he'd find it pretty tough to suddenly be given 50% responsibility for stuff at home while still doing his (admittedly stressful) job. He's said in the past that we'd get a cleaner. But I wonder if he thinks that a couple of hours' cleaning a week would really sort everything!

'*there's not enough man teachers'

No they are too busy being fast tracked into head roles.*

As a teacher of 17 years, don't even get me started on that one....

There's a saying I heard about 10 years ago: "bodge it and scarper." (Actually in relation to some teacher's approach to some tasks)

My Dh will often do a task in a way that I deem a bodge it and scarper way. There's variation; cutting corners that I'm probably ott about but then there's really doing a half arsed job which clearly says I don't care. But my perfectionism can also be my undoing as some jobs I avoid for ages as I know how much time I'll put into them. Which similarly frustrates him.

Getting a cleaner did help in that half of it is the tidying. When the tidying was a bodge it and scarper job, she couldn't do such a good job cleaning. Took a while but Dh worked this out. So it's worth him being there when the cleaner or agency points out how the cleaner having to tidy results in less cleaning.

So the night before the cleaner comes manic tidy is a fairly joint jobbo; I'll have done what I can.

My dh does nowhere near enough imo. But he does 100% more than his father did. I wonder how many generations it will take for 50/50.
I envy very rich people who never think about housework. I can see me having the perfect marriage if i didn’t have that to argue about.

Having a cleaner is magic. But why did I have to organise?

I think the idea of not dating a crap artist is flawed as (as PP have rightly said) it puts the onus on the woman to be hyper vigilant at a time when everyone's on their best behaviour anyway, and you don't necessarily notice one until you have kids or a crisis. Chores are really insidious which is why I wanted to know if dropping the ball worked.

I don't understand why it is apparently a female job to look after birthday cards etc. When my MIL started texting me with birthday hints I complained, as my fam did not start giving my OH the birthday calendar six months after we started going out.

Yy that “well just don’t marry one of the crap ones” puts the burden on women and ignores how well things get hidden and how much they can change. I’d rather none of us married the crap ones either, but that’s not the world we live in.

Reminds me of the advice new mothers get to make sure Dad is involved from an early stage: don’t hog all the baby stuff, don’t set yourself up as an expert, don’t micromanage his nappy changes, don’t jump in before he has a chance to work out what needs doing. It’s not bad advice but it does sound like saying “you have to take this exact right series of complicated steps to unlock Bloke Does Parenting, and if you do it wrong then oh well only yourself to blame.”

you’re right about the mental load.

My husband believes that doing the washing is an equal job to doing the cooking and the shopping, without taking into account that I have to plan meals and keep a constant stick check in my head as well as keep a budget and work out nutrition.

He once proclaimed to his family that being vegan was easy and it’s not a bit of trouble to come up with nutritious and exciting meals if you’re vegan. Me and his Mam pulled him up about that and explained that actually it is only easy if all your meals just appear but in reality it takes a lot of planning.

To be fair to him once it’s pointed out he’s great at changing his ways but he just doesn’t see it until it’s pointed out.

I stopped doing his laundry

Why did you start doing it in the first place? I really, really do not understand this. If both of you work and being the stay at home housekeeper isn't your job as it were what poseses women to start doing other adult's laundry?

no one got a single birthday card or present in the whole time

I don't get this one either. Apart from my mother in law (and only because she forces my hand and gets me something) I have never bought a present or sent a card to any of my husband's family or friends. I do so for mine- what he does for his is up to him.

Do you have separate washing in your house? How does that work do you have seperate washing baskets?

When I ‘dropped the ball’, dh was as shit at all the stuff as I was when we first got married and became parents.

But, just like me, he learnt quickly and improved his skills/raised his standards. It was either that or admit that he wasn’t quite as right on and feminist as he claimed.

My DH could (and has) run the house efficiently.

Ok the food would be basic ( mostly egg or beans based) but it would be hot. He can do shopping but he likes a list as I plan the meals.
Washing and ironing are his jobs anyway. He is happy to clean and will do the loo etc. he is king of The 'I must clean out THE drawer' when the rest of the house needs hoovering .
The only thing he fails on is the 'emotional' stuff - he is crap at remembering birthday etc and needs reminding to send relatives cards and flowers etc.

He is nearly 60

Sort of did for me. We had a massive row once because he said I did nothing all day. So that's what I did for a week, the only things I carried on with were the food shop for my DS and general taking care of DS. I did no washing of dishes, no laundry (mine or his but I own way more underwear so was fine for me) no cooking unless for DS. By day 3 he was doing dishes, but only if he needed them and making meals for both of us after working for 8/9 hours. By the end of the week he was apologising for saying I do nothing and grovelling for me to wash his clothes as he didn't know where I kept the laundry powder! Said he didn't mind the cooking but its 'hard to do every single day' (ha!) Now we alternate so neither of us has to do cooking everyday.
He's gotten better at tidying as he goes as well rather that leaving a room looking like a bombs gone off but I'm quite happy to keep the clothes and dish washing for myself - at least then I know it's been done right!

Are there other situations where people 'drop the ball' to get other people to contribute?

If I want my teen daughter to do something, I tell her why I would prefer her to do it (because I'm late in etc) and she does it. The same in reverse if she would prefer me to do something. It's just about love and respect.

If you have to 'drop the ball' to get something achieved, is that because the person you live with just doesn't really care that much about you?

Or am I missing something?

It’s the other way round in my household. DH does more housework and remembers birthday cards and buys them for me and brings them home, where I forget to write and post them. I think my secret is that I’m lazy. If people are coming round I’ll clean in a blitz, but I don’t care if the bathroom is grubby in between. Actually, the bathroom is on a rota, I mostly cook (and plan most meals) and the person who cooks doesn’t have to wash up so DH mostly washes up. However, DH also does the bins, recycling, food shopping, puts most of the clothes washes on/hangs them out (I separate my own washing as he can’t tell delicate things but he separates his own, and I’m in charge of washing said delicates as he has none), notices when lightbulbs/toilet rolls need replaced, pays bills (those that aren’t on direct debit), and deals with car MOT etc. We both will change the bed occasionally (not as frequently as planned) and I do all dusting, but probably only once every two months or so, and we split hoovering but don’t do it that often (it can be 3 weeks but will definitely be done if we have visitors). I will leave my clothes piled up (clean) for weeks and then finally put them away, and his are usually put away straight away, but neither of us think we should do each other’s. My mum is like this too, she’s a great cook and decorator but my stepdad is the clean one. My dad used to split chores between the family fairly, so I never imagined that women should do more. So it’s partly upbringing, DH’s as well as mine (but his brothers aren’t nearly as tidy), and partly laziness and laidback attitude on my part and tidiness on his.

After a few years of marriage and 2 DCs I found I’d slipped into the role of the ‘grown up’, it was all my responsibility. He would say the classic ‘i would have helped if you’d asked me’
It was tough to completely stop, I couldn’t leave the DCs unfed till he decided to do something about it, they needed clean uniform every day. I stopped all th wifework though and he didn’t like it at all.
I used to think it was as my fault for ‘allowing’ the situation to go on, but now I realize he’s just an entitled lazy arse who thinks the world revolves around him.

Are there other situations where people 'drop the ball' to get other people to contribute?

Yes, I did so in a Mum’s group when I noticed I stayed every week putting away equipment while other people made a quick exit.

Also in the PTA when I stopped being quite so efficient and all of a sudden the ridiculous 1130pm texts stopped.

I don’t have to post his family’s birthday cards, he deals with those entirely alone, but he buys them for my family too whereas I wouldn’t remember.

If I want my teen daughter to do something, I tell her why I would prefer her to do it (because I'm late in etc) and she does it. The same in reverse if she would prefer me to do something. It's just about love and respect.

I do think there is an extreme lack of respect once you get to this point, but I don’t think love is quantified by whether or not your partner does the dishes.

My money would usually be on the woman to blink first, but his should not be read as an insult. One day science will prove that living like a slob is some Male survival instinct that just needs to be treated like an appendix.

(I can purchase milk with bad hair and no makeup first thing in the morning. This is actually underappreciated. )

Dropping the ball works before you have children (and yes sometimes its easier than reminding/asking for the 100th time).

Its harder to drop the ball knowing that your child is going to school without her library book (again)
or isn't getting invited to birthday parties or playdates (because no one has bothered to reply to or keep in touch with other parents)
or can't have her birthday party where she really, really wanted it (because someone failed to book it early enough) and her friends can't make it (as someone failed to invite them early enough).

Without me dd would be fed (relatively healthy food), clothed (in clean, correct clothing) and homework would be done. The house would be fine. Dp is perfectly capable of that.

But I can't bring myself to drop the ball on stuff that on the one hand is minor but on the other hand means a lot to a 5 yr old.
Maybe dp does care a bit less than me in that respect as that sort of stuff doesn't seem to bother him.

Do you have separate washing in your house? How does that work do you have seperate washing baskets?

No but I only deal with mine and he deals with his and he deals with all towels and sheets. I don't want my clothes going in at whatever cycle he uses for his. Some of my stuff is hand wash only and goes nowhere near the basket. A small amount of his stuff is hand wash only-he does it himself. It isn't my responsibility.

I've never changed sheets or duvet covers. Not once in over 30 years together. I didn't take on the responsibility and he hasn't asked me to.

That they put the onus on women to solve the problem? well yes , up to a point. If you take on all this burden up to you to do something about it if you don't like it.