Celebrating being female

[Redonionricedpotato]

Feeling quite despondent about the state of the world and how tough it can be to be female in 2018. So I thought I’d start a positive thread, to remind myself of all the positive things about being female. What are yours? Doesn’t matter if they seem trivial, please share!

Despite all the shit... periods, PMT, pregnancy/infertility, hormonal contraceptives, misogyny, domestic/sexual violence by people we know, menopause, lower wages, more likely to be doing housework and house admin, carrying a heavier load of child/elder etc care, more likely to suffer bereavement if we live longer..., we get back up again.

I love this thread

And also on the resilience of women - a couple of corking posts there too!

BlindYeo have you heard of "Testosterone Rex" by Cordelia Fine? I've not read it yet, but I think it should be fascinating. It looks at all the scientific evidence around the impact of testosterone and whether it is such a huge biological driver as we think, or not.

It's on my list to read this year!

I also hope the bull rescuer doesn't end up gored angry!

Sorry that should be PMT

The moment when I had my first 12 week scan was mind blowing. Not even 12 weeks, because the first 2 are before you've conceived, so 10 really - in those 10 short weeks my body had built an actually recognisable, tiny human, with arms, and a tiny face and rudimentary organs of its own.

10 weeks. I could barely start learning a new language in ten weeks, and my body had just got on with creating a whole new person that was wriggling around in there just from two building blocks.

Biology is incredible. I can marvel at male biology too, which can do things I can't and will never do. But this thread is for recognising uniquely female marvels, and creating, nurturing, growing, supporting, birthing and nourishing a whole new human is most definitely an amazing achievement.

Don't get me started on breastfeeding. I also think that is incredible biology.

www.metro.us/body-and-mind/women-stronger-than-men-hardship

Seems the right thread to link to an article about this new research

the pinnacle of womanhood

Eh? Obviously there isn’t one. There is no ‘best female’ competition.

Thanks for all these wonderful replies, they have really lifted my spirits

I think the most amazing thing about women is that we don’t just survive, we thrive.

Most men will never have to go through life in an almost constant state of fight or flight, will never have to risk their lives to create new life, won’t be growing up and living in a society that deems them the less important half. As women, we live through all this and more, and we are still here fighting.

Compared to the male of the species, women are living in wartime conditions, constantly. And that’s something no man can ever really understand.

This is such an interesting thread. For me, the best thing about being female has been carrying, delivering and raising my children. That's been the best thing FOR ME. I'm not saying it's the pinnacle of womanhood for all women.

I work in an almost all female environment and at times I feel blessed. The support I've received from this diverse bunch of women is amazing. We talk about everything and have so many experiences to share.

I truly love being a woman. I love the solidarity between women, the depth of emotion. I would hate to be a man.

Compared to the male of the species, women are living in wartime conditions, constantly. And that’s something no man can ever really understand.

Maybe that's why men start wars and we don't! We are already there!

The solidarity of other women

I’ve told this story before, but I had a boss who was known for being a bit tough on staff. Lovely woman, but took no prisoners, ykwim? While I was working there, one of our staff hired a man who had raped me to work for one of his companies. I was in a role that would expect to deal with all workers frequently. I was a tad upset when I first saw him and spoke to my boss. He was let go the next day and a note put on his file not to hire him for anything else.

I don't believe my having given birth is the pinnacle of my womanhood.

But. There was this moment, in the minutes after giving birth, after i'd seen my child and started to process all that had happened, where I suddenly knew, for the first time in my life - I was powerful.

I knew suddenly that I could do extraordinary things.

Giving birth empowered me to change my entire life - not because I was suddenly at the apex of womanhood for having gone through a pregnancy, but because I finally understood I was a powerful person.

I had a psychic roar the day I gave birth and that roar has filtered into all aspects of my life - especially in areas that are quite unconnected with motherhood.

This is an amazing thread.

Like so many others the biggest thing for me is also childbirth, because it was the first time that my femaleness was utterly all consuming, it was inescapable, awe inspiring and also utterly terrifying.

I'm loving all these responses! SockGoblin - just thinking about your psychic roar makes me feel happy!

This is how I see it - control of a woman's reproductive capacity is the basis for patriarchy. It exists so that men can control private property by means of heirs. That's what patriarchy is. And that's why everything to do with pregnancy, childbirth and nursing has been devalued by men. We, as women, are doing patriarchy's work for it when we sneer at women reclaiming this value.

It's fantastic that women now have reproductive rights so that we can control when we conceive and whether or not we continue with a pregnancy. These are vital advancements for women so that we can live the lives we choose to live.

But, underneath that, is the patriarchal devaluation of human reproduction. It doesn't matter that some of us choose not to have to children. What matters is that we reclaim the magnificence of women's bodies - not as individuals but as a sex class. Without us, there would be no human race. Without the gobsmacking capabilities of our bodies to gestate fully-formed human beings, we would cease to exist. Our bodies are capable of feats men's bodies are not.

It's not a coincidence that the first deities were fertility goddesses. And it's not a coincidence that the earliest patriarchal religions had rites and rituals that represented the violent appropriation of birth (eg the Aztec priests donning the flayed skins of sacrifice victims then bursting out of them to "prove" that men now held power over birth).

(Points up)

All of that. Just because men have spent millennia trying to convince us that because we can give birth that's both worthless and all we're good for doesn't mean we have to believe them.

This is how I see it - control of a woman's reproductive capacity is the basis for patriarchy. It exists so that men can control private property by means of heirs. That's what patriarchy is. And that's why everything to do with pregnancy, childbirth and nursing has been devalued by men. We, as women, are doing patriarchy's work for it when we sneer at women reclaiming this value.

Separating out the types of oppression that women as a class encounter based on reproductive capability from women who are known to be mothers, doesn't mean you are sneering nor does it make you a patriarchal agent (yes I'm the infertile handmaid, with a big ERROR sign on my bonnet.. or perhaps just a Martha).

I'm glad that women who have found understandable empowerment through their positive birth experiences. If the thread title was "Celebrating (biological) motherhood" then I would have enjoyed reading the experiences of the women here, like I do in a professional capacity. Unlike my work, where there is no place for my own personal situation (I would never dream of discussing my own health issues to the women I have looked after), I discussed here how it's exactly my female biology that has caused me suffering. A comment was made that women that don't experience childbirth will never experience the true strength and power of their female bodies. That's the type of judgement and female-deficit that's placed on me by other women, who say I've lost this sacred, female essence of growing and birthing life. It's the type of comment that I will challenge through my feminism.

For what's it worth:

Andrea O'Reilly's matricentric feminism:

"..what needs to be emphasized here is what mothers need is a feminism that positions their needs and concerns as the starting point in theory and activism on and for women’s empowerment.

This is not to suggest that a matricentric feminism should replace traditional feminist thought; rather, it is to remind and emphasize that the category of mother is distinct from the category of woman, and that many of the problems mothers face—socially, economically, politically, culturally, psychologically and so forth—are specific to women’s role and identity as mothers. Indeed, mothers are oppressed under patriarchy as women and as mothers. Consequently, mothers need a mother- centred or matricentric mode of feminism organized from and for their particular identity and work as mothers. I would argue further that a mother-centred feminism is urgently needed and long overdue because mothers, arguably more so than women in general, remain disempowered despite forty years of feminism"

mommuseum.org/aint-i-a-feminist-matricentric-feminism-feminist-mamas-and-why-mothers-need-a-feminist-movementtheory-of-their-own/

Mind you, reading the thread about the pp who is concerned she may be pregnant from "globby fingers", sperm is also pretty impressive stuff.

I have found that as my children have grown, it is not only the giving birth, but it is the living. Giving birth has been my path as a women and I have had disappointment in my career which went down the pan, and things have not been as plain sailing as I expected with the DC. My friend who did not have DC had to deal with disappointment with her exDH, health and surgery and no children as a result but a sparkling career. I am in no doubt that she would have gone a lot further if she had been a man though but we came together, from very different pathways, at a point where we were both searching for new meaning. We found we weren't that different after all and share a lot of aspirations. Her's was as much a woman's experience as mine and shaped by her biology, just as mine was.

Well it's difficult. OP asked for all the things that make you pleased to be female. Mostly I don't really think about being female, I'm just a person. I notice my femaleness through my biology. Im not pleased to have periods. Or boobs or curves that make me immediately obviously female and treated as such. The aspects of my biology I am pleased about is that I grew, birthed and fed my children.

My other thing I'm pleased about is that I have such strong female friendships.

I'm not trying to be mother centric or dismissive of women who aren't mothers, just saying those are really the only two positive things my femaleness specifically brings to my life.

Quentin That's it, there are plenty of things in my life that are positive, but these are the only ones that are due to me being a woman.

Agreed.
My analogy would be this:
Just because some people don't choose to run or some people can't run, doesn't mean that people who are really into sprinting and feel that its the ultimate buzz - where living in the human body comes into its own, should be made to feel bad or like they are not being inclusive enough for celebrating what they love. Yes some people don't choose to run or have a health condition that means they can't do it, but that doesn't mean they are less human for it, or less capable of personal fulfilment.

And to get back to women and motherhood I think the confidence and power it gives women is something patriarchy goes to lengths to suppress. All the 'unspeakable female biology' bs is an attempt to block women from owning it.
I want to own it and celebrate it.
Women rock - mother or not!

I do think that talking positively about female biology seems to attract more negativity. I was never really aware of it until I became a mother.

One aspect which I've found completely polarised is breastfeeding. For context, I had a difficult birth which ended in an emergency c-section and had a tricky start to breastfeeding (including an abscess). However, once it was up and running, I really enjoyed it. I was totally amazed at the process and the response of my DD to it. However, I feel like I can never discuss it positively because other people perceive you as a member of the 'breastapo' (horrible term!) and that you are implicitly criticising bottle feeding. It feels like walking on eggshells and it made me feel quite isolated as a new mum.

I really get the 'psychic' roar mentioned upthread too. There was an article in the guardian a while ago about how women are the 'stronger' sex in terms of survival.

The 'It's wrong to make me feel lesser/excluded just because I haven't had or done x/my experiences are just as equal as yours' line of thought is very topical in our culture and needs unpacking.

I was always told in late teens/early 20s especially at work 'until you're a parent you will never really get it.' Hated hearing that. Hated it. It felt patronising and exclusive and belittling, although it was never meant that way. Then I had multiple mmcs, including one late one. Never succeeded in having a pregnancy to term, but I had those few weeks of sharing my body with someone else whose heart was beating, and was socked in the face by the visceral, primal emotion connected with it. I never in my life realised it was possible to feel so powerfully, to be willing to do anything at all for that little life. Or how it would feel being separated even when the baby had died, when everything in me was screaming that I had to be where the baby was. Not logical, not rational, not a whole lot of thought involved, just physical pull and instinct.

I have zero desire to silence other women about pregnancy or motherhood, or to separate myself from women whether they are mothers or infertile, because of them being 'triggering'. Any feelings I have of exclusion because of my infertility are my responsibility to process and manage, not for others to protect me from. Of course I'm not 'lesser' as a woman for not having successfully given birth (that's the patriarchy calling, only women churning out perfect, able bodied sons to inherit are worth anything) but my experience as a woman does not include motherhood. That's the reality, there is loss and disappointment in that which is mine to process and live with, and my respect for other people's experiences and sharing of them can't be conditional on them managing my reality to be more comfortable for me. And the people who supported me through the losses, the grief, the medical procedures, shared their own experiences of how to move on, held my hand in an operating theatre, wrote my son's name in a children's chapel book when I couldn't, all of them were women. Because infertility is also a women's experience and only really understood by women who have lived it.

The women who told me I wouldn't get it until I had a child were absolutely right, they were sharing a life experience I couldn't understand on a rational, informational level from other people's experiences. Those few weeks were enough for me to realise I barely had a taste of what a woman must feel when a pregnancy comes to term, experienced birth, fed and raised that child - I don't have a clue. I can't possibly. I just know enough to know that I really don't know.