My neighbour Steve

[xxnamechangexx]

I live in a block of flats.

I've been in my flat for a long time now. It's nothing overly fancy, but it's mine and I worked pretty hard to get it and I've done a lot of work on it making it into a space I can call home.

Across the hall from me is a flat where a group of guys live. They have a lot of friends round and there's always different ones coming and going. I don't really know them but I've had a lot of issues with some of them. Comments, pushy behaviour, that sort of thing.

Not all of them are like that of course. One or two of them even seem quite nice, but some of them have been a nightmare. One or two them of them make me quite glad when I've locked the door behind but you learn to avoid eye contact and get inside sharpish. No big deal I guess.

Some time ago another guy, Steve, moved in with them.

Steve is a bit different to the others.

Most of the men he lives with are fine about that but a couple of them have been pretty dickish about it. He's had some trouble with a few of them and one of them was violent towards him a while back. I feel for him because I know what they can be like. Not all of them - most of them are fine as I say, but one or two of them are pretty threatening and aggressive and I can understand why Steve doesn't always feel safe.

I don't know Steve that well but I've supported him where I can with this. We've talked about how awful they can be and I've given him witness statements when the violence happened. It's settled down since then but sometimes when there's a lot of them or they've been drinking I know he feels unsafe.

So anyway, sometime I said Steve could come to mine when he wanted to. I wanted him to be able to come into mine if it was kicking off again or if it was getting lairy or he didn't feel safe. I know I was taking a bit of a risk here but Steve seems pretty harmless and I understand what these guys are like - after all I've been getting shit from them for years.

So, now Steve sometimes comes into my house. It's not a formal arrangement and to be honest we didn't even really discuss it. I just kind of let him now he could when he needed to and he seemed to understand. We don't really talk, he doesn't bother me he just sometimes uses my space when he doesn't feel safe.

Some of my friends think I'm a bit crazy letting him do this, but it's worked for a while now. I've never had any trouble and in any case, if anything did happen it's my house, I can tell Steve to leave.

I've never needed to though and it's worked fine for ages with no problems.

Until last week.

Last week Steve told me that he was no longer happy with just being able to come in. He said it made him feel like he didn't really belong in my flat. He told me he feels he's more like me than then men in his flat.

I was completely taken aback. Of course, he doesn't really belong there - it's my flat.

So I suggested to Steve that he got his own place. It seemed like a good solution to me. After all, he wasn't comfortable where he was and whilst I didn't mind him using my space it still made me uncomfortable sometimes. I mean it's my flat after all. I’ve worked hard for it.

Anyway, Steve didn't like that idea. He didn't see why he should have to get his own space just because these of the way these men behaved and he really liked my place and he felt comfortable there. He also said he had a lot more friends who had the same issue he was having with these guys and he needed them to be able to use my place.

Steve had a solution.

Steve decided that what I should do was remove my door lock. That way he could in whenever he needed to. As could anyone else who needed to hang out in my place to avoid these men. Locking my door wasn't fair to him he said. He wanted to be able to come in any time he liked. He felt like he belonged there and he was entitled to be there.

Obviously, my jaw hit the floor at this point.

I pointed out to Steve that this was insane. Without a front door lock how the hell would I safe? Anyone could come into my flat at any time. How would this make Steve safe? The very guys he came to my flat to avoid could now just wander in unchallenged.

Steve assured me they wouldn't do that. He pointed out that if they really wanted to come in and hurt me, a lock wouldn't stop them, they would just break in. So, taking the lock off didn't make any difference. The only people who would come in, he told me, was him and people like him. People who didn't want to do me any harm.

Obviously, I told him to fuck off. This was insane. At this point Steve got really upset and starting saying I didn't trust him enough to remove my lock and I clearly thought he was some sort of pervert or threat. I’m not threatened by Steve, but I'm clearly not going to take the lock off my front door and let anyone come in. That's just crazy.

The more I said no the angrier Steve got. The more he accused me of hating him and not understanding how threatened he felt. I couldn't get my head around this. Clearly, I didn't hate him - in fact I always thought I was a bit of an ally. Not to mention I'd been getting shit off these guys for the last 20 years. I wasn't threatened by him, I was threatened by opening up my flat to anyone who wanted to come in. And without a lock, how could I even challenge people. I'd offered an open invitation.

I told Steve it wasn't going to happen.

To be honest, at this point, given the vitriol of his reaction I wasn't even sure I wanted Steve coming in my flat anymore. I told him to go.
I was pretty stunned but I thought that was the end of it. I was wrong.
Steve went to the committee that manages the flats. He told them about how threatened he was and how he needed a safe space. He explained why he didn't want his own space but how mine was perfect for his needs and he belonged there. It was his right.

The committee agreed with him.

Steve, they said, was getting such a hard time from the guys across the hall that they agreed I should remove my front door lock so he could get access to my flat.

I told them about all the issues I had had and how unsafe I would be but they wouldn't listen.

I told them that if I took of my lock the very guys Steve wanted to avoid could just walk in.

That won't happen, they said.

You're hysterical, they said.

After that things got a lot worse. Steve, his friends and the committee started telling me how unfair I was to Steve.

They said I clearly wished him harm and they made up new words to insult me. Every time I told them I wanted Steve to be safe but I didn't want to open up my flat to anyone I was shouted down, told I was a bigot and told I was hurting Steve.

Steve rang my employer and told them I was bullying him and I nearly lost my job. Even some of my friends turned against me.

Next week the committee are meeting to decide if I have to remove my lock. I’m not invited to the meeting. The only people there are Steve and the committee. I’m told this doesn’t affect me so my view doesn’t need to be heard.

Today I heard Steve’s running the committee.

I don’t think I’ll be getting to keep my lock.

And since when is I don’t mind, I don’t have a problem, a good enough reason to override people who absolutely do mind and do have a problem.

A) Shall we go to the cinema?

B) I don’t mind.

A) Well I really don’t want to go.

B) But you have to go because I don’t mind.

???

Bravo xxnamechangexx. I think you should try and get this published more widely.

Menthol and that is your choice to make, but you have to understand the majority of women don't have a problem with Steves or Andrews so it's unfair to try and ban them from public spaces we all happily share.

It really isn't. It's a consent issue. You can go and lobby for a third space for you and all the Steves and Andrews. And it isn't the "majority". They do, when they understand the full extent of it. They have been duped.

Generally, in my flat mate experience, these things are a veto situation - the vote has to be unanimous to let them in.

YY. As a survivor of male violence, I am asking for male free spaces when I am in a vulnerable situation. Please respect my feelings, my boundaries, my right to feel safe and comfortable. Its extreme sexism that you only respect the feelings and listen to the demands of males.

Datun it's only natural to stick up for your pals when they are being bullied for simply being who they are.

How are they being bullied, perfectly?

I’m not bullying them. How is maintaining spaces segregated by sex, bullying?

It’s the other way round. Claiming that women do not need sex segregation, all of a sudden, despite having needed it for the last century, in order to validate someone’s subjective identity, is bullying.

I wasn't expecting there to be more posts on this thread and I think perfectly has missed my point but I am now crying at 'Not all Steve's are like that'

I'm going to use NASALT loads going forwards, I love it

Just for perfectly's sake - I didn't have any issue with Steve, it was the wankery men he wanted to avoid I had a problem with.

I only developed an issue with Steve when he started being a CF a demanding a right to my space with no regard to my feelings or safety.

Up till then, me and Steve had been fine.

And if Steve said 'actually you're right, there's got to be a way we can both be protected and safe and my rights don't trump yours' we could be friends again.

But now Steve is claiming he actually is me so therefore he owns my flat as it's his name on the deeds. Cheeky fuckery.

It is. I feel very bullied by the aggressive, overbearing trans activists and their female allies like perfectly, who don't give a shit about other women's feelings.

Quite frankly I think Steve is as much of a sexist wanker as they all are. He's barging in because he can. He's using his male privilege to shout down women who object.

#NASALT

I agree it's the wankery men that are the real problem but my Steve tells me lots of people are accusing him of being a wankery man as well as a deluded pervert. He's getting quite upset TBH.

I asked my Steve to have a word with your Steve and tell him to stop being such a CF but my Steve told me not to be so daft, he doesn't know your Steve just because he's called Steve.

I see how you can easily defend Steve's entitled nature, perfectly as you feel entitled to speak for all women.

ConjugalHoliday I'm not defending the OP's Steve, I'm defending my Steve! I wish everyone would stop thinking they are the same person just because they are both called Steve. Anyone here got a DH called Steve? Does he behave like the OP's Steve?
#NASALT

perfectly, do you think that the op should let your Steve live in her flat, just because you say he isn't like her Steve? How is she to know your Steve won't let all his friends in too?

If you believe all your Steve's can occupy anyone's flat just because Steves, in general, are feeling a bit vulnerable, what is the point of ownership at all? Can't we all go and live in anyone's flat - and claim ownership of it, call them cis-owners, and accuse them of bigotry and expressing cis-owner-privilege if they object?

I called him Steve because my 3 year old nephew names all of his toys Steve for some reason. Steve the bear, Steve the truck, Steve the bike.....

I will never look at his toys in the same way now

My DH is called Steve, and he is very nice indeed, but he's happy not to enter female spaces because he knows that a lot of dangerous Steves are looking for any excuse to barge in, and that the women in them are not to know that he's one of the good Steves.

This is the whole fucking basis of sex segregation. Good men don't shout 'but let me in, you can trust ME'. They know if they are out walking alone at night and there's a woman also out alone, that they need to not walk up behind her - and ideally will cross the road - so that she doesn't feel threatened. They don't walk 2 paces behind her and shout 'how DARE you assume I'm a rapist?'

My Steve sometimes needs to use the ladies, I know he looks scary with his big muscles and facial hair but he's still having periods from the days he was known as Stevie, he is unable to use a urinal, sometimes the men's cubicle is out of order.

Oh you mean the female Steve. Come in Steve - you're welcome.

Nuffaluf OP's Steve is the female Steve. My Steve is male!

If your Steve is having periods he's female.

But how would you know? He doesn't look female?

There are far more men's toilets than women's toilets so perfectly's Steve should be ok.

I have no problem with anyone who is having periods using the women's - after all, that's where the sanitary bins are. Indeed, if you don't have a penis, fair enough to use the non-urinal toilets.

I don't care if whether this new hypothetical female-bodied Steve wants to be called she or he, or whether turn up with jeans/doc martens/facial hair/no boobs (like many women, especially those of us who are getting on a bit, with our lack of makeup, our bristly moustaches and our comfortable clothing), they are still welcome.

To be honest, I wouldn't notice most Steves in the women's toilets (apart from the ones who act like Travis in Top Shop), it's the Steves who are determined to be noticed that I mind. And the fact that I can no longer object to any male who wants to pretend to be a Steve following either Steve in.

I don't understand why you don't understand that.

Maryz how would you tell the difference between my 'legitimate' Steve and someone pretending to be called Steve?

That's the whole point, perfectly? I'm pleased you get it now.

At the moment, if I see someone in the women's toilets who makes me uncomfortable, I can question it (ask the manager at a swimming pool, mention it to the supervisor in a shopping centre etc). At present, a man pretending to be a male-bodied Steve (pervert dressed up as a woman to access a women's facility) would be asked to leave. Under proposed legislation even asking the question is transphobic, and considered by many to be hate speech.

A woman with a beard can show she's a woman. A transman living as a man can use the men's. Or can tell the supervisor/questioner that they are female-bodied and use the women's. If they don't want to say they are female but can't use the men's, they can use gender neutral/disabled/single cubicle toilets - I'm happy for everyone to campaign for more of these.